go_lately

so: time to lay bare my dilemma.

i'm not sure i'm going to portland anymore. i've met someone here who i'm truely in love with. also, in portland there's no guarantee that i'd get the firefighting job (it's 1600 applicants for a max of 30 positions and i don't have a ton of experience), and considering i'm on meds i really need to get a full time job with benefits asap. i'm not sure i'm ready to leave my friends here, my lease doesn't end till august, etc. not to mention what the hell am i going to do with my rats?

but i was so looking forward to the firefighting job (40k a year baby!), traveling cross country, and starting something new. i'm also not sure i'll still have a place to live if i wait till august. and should i base such a decision about 60% around someone i love tremendously, but i've only just met?

there's also one other thing - i've been swinging around lately and enjoying it, and i can't do that if i stay with him. it doesn't make him angry, it makes him ill to think of me with someone else, male or female. i've been good since we started seeing each other, and there's no doubt i will continue to be, but i'm wondering long term . . . i don't know if this is a phase for me or an integral part of my personality that i won't be able to subdue indefinately.

*sigh* thoughts? advice? past experiences?