Emotions. Constantly flowing throughout me, usually I have a way to release this extra "energy". But I have not felt in touch with myself since I was removed from my sons' lives. Now every time I step up to the plate, hoping to hit a home run, I blackout. I panic. I feel love, lust, hate, greed, envy, anger, rage, fear. Mostly fear. I'm not afraid of anyone or anything, but I am afraid of the unthinkable. The unimaginable. And over these past few years, it has grown more and more apparent to me that these are not so far off from being reality. I'm afraid that I'll never see my kids again. I'm afraid to be alone all my life. I'm afraid that I'll never make it on my own. I'm afraid that when my grandparents die they'll leave everything to my mom who will piss it away blowing it on these scam artist fucktwats that she only fucks because they have a big black cock. I'm afraid that in this day and age, going to school isn't even worth it if you're in a poor family, because you can't afford to further your education and without getting a degree, you'll have to work 4 times as hard to make it in life, and that's not counting the unseen obstacles that lie in wait.
I'm sick and tired of being beaten down emotionally. There's nothing I can do about it, but that doesn't mean I'll stop complaining. I worked hard in high school to get the best grades possible so I could go to a good college, only for my mom to go to jail for selling crack cocaine for her big black cock, and then I had to move in with my grandparents, with my brother. I got a D in 10th grade English because my teacher lost a paper that was worth 60% of the final grade (she would have given me an F but I'm pretty sure she knew that I would have lost my shit over it)... What could I do? I was a kid, nobody listens to kids. I had to retake FST my senior year, I took it originally my sophmore year (got A's and B's); because the math teacher at the Math/Science Center suggested I take it again to my counselor; because he didn't like me. He didn't like me because I didn't do homework that wasn't required. Hmmm... Yeah, that's why he didn't like me. Probably jealous of my brain capabilities. I nearly failed Physics because in the middle of the semester, during the hardest part of the course, they decided to do "distance learning".
I could have gotten into the University Of Tennessee with an academic scholarship because of my ACT scores, but I had already joined the Army. So a new chapter in life begins, right? Wrong. People constantly using me as a scapegoat, and you would think becoming an adult would mean that people would believe you and listen to you, but no, nothing changed. So then after the royal fucking of all fuckings happened, I left the Army. Fresh start in life? Hardly. I had to move back home. You would think having just recently left the Army, I would stand a chance at getting a job. Nope. I guess something about me screams "lazy" even though I'm probably one of the hardest workers you could ever meet. This whole time my love life was just screaming Jerry Springer, as I've had the roughest string of relationships ever. A couple times it was my fault but it was mostly everyone else's. So here I am living in Grand Rapids, MI, and I have like 5 or 6 girls that want to be with me, and I can't decide because they all are significantly flawed and I don't see them lasting. This girl that I just started talking to, Brittany (I was talking to three other Brittany's at the time... talk about weird), came online one day really depressed about her most recent relationship, and we spewed each others guts out to each other. I didn't fall in love with her at first (even though I thought she was really beautiful), and since the one other time that happened, I ended up regretting not being with that person, I decided to give it a try.
Well 3 weeks after the babies are born, she screams and yells at me to get the fuck out. No reason really, just it seemed that everything I did, I did it the wrong way. I held them the wrong way. I fed them the wrong way. I changed the diapers the wrong way. I figured maybe she just needed a break, and that I could maybe come back or whatever. Well when I got here, on my facebook I told peeps that I would be at Tiki that Thursday night. First, I guess I should mention that for all things considered, we were broken up. See it however you want, but if someone tells you to get the fuck up out of their house loud as hell, I'm pretty sure that's "I'm breaking up with you." But it wasn't even that. I was going to Tiki to clear my mind, have a good time, and see what friends of mine were still residing in Ludington, if any at all.
That's when I got that nasty long comment, telling me I don't care for my own kids, telling me that I'm a good for nothing liar, cheater, and a whore. And she essentially threatened me, and told me she was gonna take the child support thing to court. So I did what anyone else would do, I deleted the comment, and her out of my life.
But even with all that happening, that was 9 months of the realest relationship I have ever had in my entire life. I spent more time with her than I spent with anyone outside of my immediate family, excluding my brother because my brother isn't really much of a brother, so he doesn't count as immediate family. And in a flash it was gone.
Since then I've had a few relationships, and they've all ended bitterly.
One thing you should know, I have never hit a woman, raised a hand, nor even raised my voice towards anyone I was dating. Ever. You can get up in my face and scream and yell, and I'll talk calmly, and softly, and quietly.
So why is the calmest, humblest, sweetest, most loving guy being treated like this? Who knows.
So what am I scared of? I'm scared that like all the other relationships following her, the next one is going to end badly. I'm scared that I'm going to yet again invest my heart into something only to have things taken from me, and my heart and mind left scarred and abused. I'm scared that I cannot be the man I ought to be, because I am scared. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of being used, mistreated, lied to, cheated on, hurt.
I am not dumb. I am not weak. I am an intelligent adult male, so don't lie to me. Don't treat me like a five year old. You (plural meaning my friends on here) should know me well enough by now that you can tell when I'm just kidding around, or when I'm serious. Unless you're a guy, if I tell you I really really really like you, that's not a joke. I'm serious. I'm always telling the truth, why can't you?
Most of all, out of everything. I want to be loved. For who I am inside. Don't love me and be with me for the sex, or the job I have, or the music I listen to. Love me and be with me because you love to be around me, and nobody makes you feel more comfortable, more powerful, than I.
I'm sick and tired of being beaten down emotionally. There's nothing I can do about it, but that doesn't mean I'll stop complaining. I worked hard in high school to get the best grades possible so I could go to a good college, only for my mom to go to jail for selling crack cocaine for her big black cock, and then I had to move in with my grandparents, with my brother. I got a D in 10th grade English because my teacher lost a paper that was worth 60% of the final grade (she would have given me an F but I'm pretty sure she knew that I would have lost my shit over it)... What could I do? I was a kid, nobody listens to kids. I had to retake FST my senior year, I took it originally my sophmore year (got A's and B's); because the math teacher at the Math/Science Center suggested I take it again to my counselor; because he didn't like me. He didn't like me because I didn't do homework that wasn't required. Hmmm... Yeah, that's why he didn't like me. Probably jealous of my brain capabilities. I nearly failed Physics because in the middle of the semester, during the hardest part of the course, they decided to do "distance learning".
I could have gotten into the University Of Tennessee with an academic scholarship because of my ACT scores, but I had already joined the Army. So a new chapter in life begins, right? Wrong. People constantly using me as a scapegoat, and you would think becoming an adult would mean that people would believe you and listen to you, but no, nothing changed. So then after the royal fucking of all fuckings happened, I left the Army. Fresh start in life? Hardly. I had to move back home. You would think having just recently left the Army, I would stand a chance at getting a job. Nope. I guess something about me screams "lazy" even though I'm probably one of the hardest workers you could ever meet. This whole time my love life was just screaming Jerry Springer, as I've had the roughest string of relationships ever. A couple times it was my fault but it was mostly everyone else's. So here I am living in Grand Rapids, MI, and I have like 5 or 6 girls that want to be with me, and I can't decide because they all are significantly flawed and I don't see them lasting. This girl that I just started talking to, Brittany (I was talking to three other Brittany's at the time... talk about weird), came online one day really depressed about her most recent relationship, and we spewed each others guts out to each other. I didn't fall in love with her at first (even though I thought she was really beautiful), and since the one other time that happened, I ended up regretting not being with that person, I decided to give it a try.
Well 3 weeks after the babies are born, she screams and yells at me to get the fuck out. No reason really, just it seemed that everything I did, I did it the wrong way. I held them the wrong way. I fed them the wrong way. I changed the diapers the wrong way. I figured maybe she just needed a break, and that I could maybe come back or whatever. Well when I got here, on my facebook I told peeps that I would be at Tiki that Thursday night. First, I guess I should mention that for all things considered, we were broken up. See it however you want, but if someone tells you to get the fuck up out of their house loud as hell, I'm pretty sure that's "I'm breaking up with you." But it wasn't even that. I was going to Tiki to clear my mind, have a good time, and see what friends of mine were still residing in Ludington, if any at all.
That's when I got that nasty long comment, telling me I don't care for my own kids, telling me that I'm a good for nothing liar, cheater, and a whore. And she essentially threatened me, and told me she was gonna take the child support thing to court. So I did what anyone else would do, I deleted the comment, and her out of my life.
But even with all that happening, that was 9 months of the realest relationship I have ever had in my entire life. I spent more time with her than I spent with anyone outside of my immediate family, excluding my brother because my brother isn't really much of a brother, so he doesn't count as immediate family. And in a flash it was gone.
Since then I've had a few relationships, and they've all ended bitterly.
One thing you should know, I have never hit a woman, raised a hand, nor even raised my voice towards anyone I was dating. Ever. You can get up in my face and scream and yell, and I'll talk calmly, and softly, and quietly.
So why is the calmest, humblest, sweetest, most loving guy being treated like this? Who knows.
So what am I scared of? I'm scared that like all the other relationships following her, the next one is going to end badly. I'm scared that I'm going to yet again invest my heart into something only to have things taken from me, and my heart and mind left scarred and abused. I'm scared that I cannot be the man I ought to be, because I am scared. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of being used, mistreated, lied to, cheated on, hurt.
I am not dumb. I am not weak. I am an intelligent adult male, so don't lie to me. Don't treat me like a five year old. You (plural meaning my friends on here) should know me well enough by now that you can tell when I'm just kidding around, or when I'm serious. Unless you're a guy, if I tell you I really really really like you, that's not a joke. I'm serious. I'm always telling the truth, why can't you?
Most of all, out of everything. I want to be loved. For who I am inside. Don't love me and be with me for the sex, or the job I have, or the music I listen to. Love me and be with me because you love to be around me, and nobody makes you feel more comfortable, more powerful, than I.