glamerdork

"If you can't fail, you can't do anything."

Dad drove in to town, picked up my things and left (he forgot to book a hotel room for Sat night and refused to stay at my place although I offered him a bed.)

The conversation I had w/ my father was really great. I know I hold his opinions to be the be all end all of life-- just because despite his hot temper, I feel like he is very wise (for the most part.) So I talked to him a bit about my relationship and got some really good advice there. He strongly recommended that in the sit w/ my current bf, we both take some time off to see other people because since we're so inexperienced it's too hard to really appreciate what we have now, even if it is really good-- he said that any relationship strong enough will come back together on its own. He told me that I was probably chasing too much, and that I should let my bf do some chasing for a while, if he wants to, that is. I think that's definitely true. I hate that when it comes down to it I have to play into the idea that I'm the girl, he's the guy, and the guy wants to be the pursuer, the girl the pursued. It seems stupid in this day in age to have to purposely create that scenerio, but I must say, I do believe it works. Eh.

I just wish I had some more confidence, in my looks and intelligence. I really do think that when I get out into the "real world" and have to support myself, confidence will come. Right now I just feel completely out of control of my life. Not having control of anything in my life is hard, because then it makes me want to control- well- people, like, my boyfriend for instance. Not what he does really, but moreso control the fact that he'll be in my life for a while... that he'll want to stay with me. Guess it's kind of like knowing I can pay all the bills on time, get to the gym, do a good job at work and still have time to read on the side. It's feeling like I'm a real adult and not some kid dependent on her parents money and opinions. I hate that feeling. I know I should be appreciative for the great life they gave me, yada yada, and I know that for the most part I am. But I have never had ANY responsibility of my own. Or at lesat it feels like I haven't. And when I have had responsibility for small things, I failed miserably. Not "at work" things, but moreso getting my room clean, taking out the trash bag-- these stupid little bits of what could be considered the particles of autonomous adulthood, and still, thus-far, I've been a failure.

Well, screw that. I'm cleaning my room today. I'm eating some peanut butter for breakfast, hoping this slight sangria hangover goes away, cleaning my room until it's spotless. It's a lot more achievable now that I sent home a lot of the bigger things w/ my dad yesterday. So it's 10:14. I'm going to clean until 11:15. By 12 I need to be up in Lincoln Square so I can get quotes for my feature writing "neighborhood" article. By 3 I want to be home. Doing more homework. But at that time my room will be spotless so I'll be able to focus. It's funny, I bet Mag (my extremely neat roommate) thinks that somehow I function just fine in my mess, while she gets anxious at the site of one thing being out of place. I don't know if this would make any sense to her, but I honestly think I'm like that to, except I've gotten to the point where I've given up. I'm just a perfectionist, I guess, so it's all or nothing with me. Not a quality I'm proud of, and one that I'm certainly working really hard to fix, but something that's-- well-- it's true, despite how hard it is to believe. I LOVE having a clean room. I LOVE feeling in control. Having every last penny in its place. But when there is so much STUFF I don't know how to handle it all. It all piles up and before you know it there's a mess. So I give up. I give up too easily. I don't want to deal with my inability to control my living circumstance, so I do the only thing I know how to do-- ignore it. Stay out of my room, except to sleep. Give up. Meanwhile, here I am attempting to keep my relationship ("clean")/in order. This is terrible to admit, but being in a relationship (not just with my current boyfriend, but with ANYONE) feels like constantly having to clean up a room. Sure, sometimes you hang up some really great picture on a wall and it makes the room look 10 times cooler than it ever did and you think, damn, my room rocks- but most of the time it's having to put away junk that keeps ending up on your floor. So people think I'm crazy for saying that sometimes I do want to be alone forever-- well, I guess this is why. I hate my internal OCD which cases my control-freakishness in relationships, and I don't want to go on believing this metaphor to be true. But I would think it would be somewhat true for everyone... isn't it? I mean, what are relationships, really? We don't get to observe much of them to mimic, except for on TV and in the Movies- which would lead one to have very limited ideas of what problems people in relationships should have. And then everyone keeps the details of their relationships so private that in public it's either- oh, look at that HAPPY couple or-- they really hate each other, they just shouldn't be together. -- it doesn't feel like there is an acceptence in our culture of inconsistancy. We live in a perfectionist culture. America has to be THE BEST (not second best, that's not good enough.) We have to make THE MOST money or live in the NICEST house in the BEST neighborhood. Second best just doesn't cut it. Third best? You might as well not exist...

Of course not everyone can be "THE BEST," but in our country we're taught that everyone should strive for that. Well, I'm striving, but I keep loosing, or so it feels, and I often just want to give up fighting. My dad is such a realist, he knows that I have my idealistic dreams now, but he tells me that I need to just go get a job. Get a job with health insurance. I might want to 'save the world' now, but this will all change once I start making a salary. Will it? I don't know. I'm so confused regarding what I want to do with my life. Although there is the worry that I won't get a job at all, the bigger worry is which I want to really work towards getting. I could go into online journalism, sitting behind a computer all day, updating a site- but that's not going to make me happy. I could become a theatre director, sometimes make great theatre, sometimes make horrible theatre, always try to at worst, make decent theatre. I could become a print journalist, writing about the lives of others, living vicariously through those I write about and never having much of a life of my own. I could go back to school and get a PhD in sociology, spend my life-- probably-- teaching at some community college or third-tier institution to kids who, for the most part, don't care and just want a job. Try to teach them ethics. Hah. It would be great if I COULD do that, but again, I know failure would get to me all too quickly.

Yesterday Mag & I were talking about going into a life in the theatre, and she really believes that you have to be willing to fail in order to succeed. Emma Thompson, at the Gala, said "If you can't fail, you can't do anything." I've heard the concept a million times and I know how true it is. But I'm just terrified of failure. Because if I fail, then there will be my dad saying "I told you so." There you have it-- that's what it really comes down to. If I had parents who, when I failed, would say "That's alright, get back up and try again" then maybe, just maybe I could go after what I really want. But I've been raised to think that once one fails, it should signify it's not what's meant to be. It's not a journey to success. It's either success or you're doing something terribly wrong.

When's my next psych appointment? This shit is deep. Heh.