I love how easy I make enemies... on this site and in real life. It seems like no matter how hard I try to be a decent person, I always end up saying things that piss people off. Or just plain ol' freak them out. I seriously think that I'd do much better living alone far away from any human interaction including, but not limited to the internet. I'm too fucking fragile emotionally and every little thing has me falling apart to pieces. It doesn't help that I seem to go out of my way (involuntarily) to be a complete dipshit. I know everyone in the world has their insecurities, but I think I've got more than just my fair share. Why? Because honestly... my insecurities... the billion and ten of them are based in fact. I know that I'm not stupid, but I'll never be smart. Either. But that isn't even the issue here. I don't care whether or not I'm as dumb as someone who has some actually excuse for their lack of mental comprehension or as smart as Einstein... point being, I just don't know how to interact with people. I become obsessed with any number of fantasies where I think I'd be happy but in reality there is no such thing as a long-term happiness, let alone contentment when it comes to being me. I'm not depressed. Never was. I've got a therapist. She doesn't think I'm depressed. None of my therapists/pyschatrists/neurologists thought that. So I must be normal. They all tell me I am. I've got ADD but other than that I'm just average. I'm not insane. I'm fine. Really.
Yea right.
I don't *want* to be insane. It's not like my goal in life is to prove that I'm a mental case. It just seems that everything I do leads me to that conclusion. So what do I do now? I'm uncomfortable in all of my classes within my department at school because I know someone out there (...or maybe more than one person) completely hates me for some stupid shit I wrote in an online diary about some people when in reality all that stuff I wrote was yet another of my little fantasies that I allow myself to live in... in order to provide my life with some awkward form of stability. I know this makes no sense. But it does to me. It also sucks.
In any case... I can't stand being in this building where my department is anymore... seeing the same faces. As much as I get all freaked out being in my classes outside of here with new people all around, I feel so fucking free not being where everyone already has confirmed I'm a complete freak. I'm not even a freak in the accepted sense, unfortunately. Not a punk or some sort of activist rebel politically intellectual yada yada type of gal. Nope. I'm just me. Don't fit in anywhere and never will. Your typical atypical outsider. And no "new outfit" or haircut is going to change that. So I don't get why I keep hoping that I can get a new shade of eyeshadow, some foundation, dye my hair blue and poof- i'll be the girl everyone wants to be friends with. Or-- even the girl that one person wants to get to know better.
...and then... to add to the whole complexity of my life, I am now on the verge of a relationship that would include two other people... one girl and one guy. Or... well... I'm not sure if it would be a relationship, really... but it would be something more than anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not against that sort of thing, but I'm just scared of being hurt. And terrified of hurting someone else. And I am too freaked out about actually living in something that might have previously only existed in one of my little imaginary fantasy worlds...
because at least in my head, I can only get hurt so much. That is until someone else reads about what was in my head and poof I become Ms. psychopath who is going to ruin peoples lives all because I happen to turn respect into... some sort of infatuation. Yup. I'm fucked up. Nothing new here folks. And since I know I'm fucked up to the nth degree, it would be wrong of me to get involved in any sort of relationship now... right? I can't really explain myself... my reasoning why I am so scared of getting involved in this whole thing to this girl without sounding like a total creep. And I've tried to inform her that I'm a freak/creep but she says she just doesn't see it. Little does she know. Little does anyone know... except the people that have read my online journals. Then they know. I don't know how many people out there know. Now if anything is scary, that is. But do I ever learn? No. Not at all. I keep on writing in these online journals... usually the entries are like this. Fucking long versions of "I hate myself. I hate myself a lot. Yeay for me" and the occasional "I think x likes me... maybe x likes me because maybe i'm actually a decent human being with a mind that someone like x would want to get to know... and maybe x doesn't care that I'm a total freak because x is bored with all of the other people she or he has been in social situations with lately..."
And then when I actually do find an "x" (or an "x" and a "y" in this case) in real life, I tend to convince myself that they must be confused/wrong/etc. That no one in their right mind (or even... wrong mind) could actually seriously like me. I thought I'd grow out of this. But I turned 18... 19... 20... and I'm still the same. Maybe even worse. Yup. I'm worse. 20 going on... who knows. I think to myself that I'd be so lucky if I had it in me to just end my life right now because I know for a fact none of this will ever get any better. Not as long as I'm still me and in my head. But I'll never kill myself... I seem to enjoy the tourture of living way too much. Some moments I even find myself smiling and laughing and thinking that life is so beautiful and... that's still what I live for. But it just hurts so much every time I let the world get to me. Every time one negative look or gesture another person makes in regards to something I've said I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. My heart beats fast and... I don't know what to do. I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. Sometimes I think if I just close my eyes maybe... all the pain will go away. And when I open them again...
perhaps I'll be able to see?
Yea right.
I don't *want* to be insane. It's not like my goal in life is to prove that I'm a mental case. It just seems that everything I do leads me to that conclusion. So what do I do now? I'm uncomfortable in all of my classes within my department at school because I know someone out there (...or maybe more than one person) completely hates me for some stupid shit I wrote in an online diary about some people when in reality all that stuff I wrote was yet another of my little fantasies that I allow myself to live in... in order to provide my life with some awkward form of stability. I know this makes no sense. But it does to me. It also sucks.
In any case... I can't stand being in this building where my department is anymore... seeing the same faces. As much as I get all freaked out being in my classes outside of here with new people all around, I feel so fucking free not being where everyone already has confirmed I'm a complete freak. I'm not even a freak in the accepted sense, unfortunately. Not a punk or some sort of activist rebel politically intellectual yada yada type of gal. Nope. I'm just me. Don't fit in anywhere and never will. Your typical atypical outsider. And no "new outfit" or haircut is going to change that. So I don't get why I keep hoping that I can get a new shade of eyeshadow, some foundation, dye my hair blue and poof- i'll be the girl everyone wants to be friends with. Or-- even the girl that one person wants to get to know better.
...and then... to add to the whole complexity of my life, I am now on the verge of a relationship that would include two other people... one girl and one guy. Or... well... I'm not sure if it would be a relationship, really... but it would be something more than anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not against that sort of thing, but I'm just scared of being hurt. And terrified of hurting someone else. And I am too freaked out about actually living in something that might have previously only existed in one of my little imaginary fantasy worlds...
because at least in my head, I can only get hurt so much. That is until someone else reads about what was in my head and poof I become Ms. psychopath who is going to ruin peoples lives all because I happen to turn respect into... some sort of infatuation. Yup. I'm fucked up. Nothing new here folks. And since I know I'm fucked up to the nth degree, it would be wrong of me to get involved in any sort of relationship now... right? I can't really explain myself... my reasoning why I am so scared of getting involved in this whole thing to this girl without sounding like a total creep. And I've tried to inform her that I'm a freak/creep but she says she just doesn't see it. Little does she know. Little does anyone know... except the people that have read my online journals. Then they know. I don't know how many people out there know. Now if anything is scary, that is. But do I ever learn? No. Not at all. I keep on writing in these online journals... usually the entries are like this. Fucking long versions of "I hate myself. I hate myself a lot. Yeay for me" and the occasional "I think x likes me... maybe x likes me because maybe i'm actually a decent human being with a mind that someone like x would want to get to know... and maybe x doesn't care that I'm a total freak because x is bored with all of the other people she or he has been in social situations with lately..."
And then when I actually do find an "x" (or an "x" and a "y" in this case) in real life, I tend to convince myself that they must be confused/wrong/etc. That no one in their right mind (or even... wrong mind) could actually seriously like me. I thought I'd grow out of this. But I turned 18... 19... 20... and I'm still the same. Maybe even worse. Yup. I'm worse. 20 going on... who knows. I think to myself that I'd be so lucky if I had it in me to just end my life right now because I know for a fact none of this will ever get any better. Not as long as I'm still me and in my head. But I'll never kill myself... I seem to enjoy the tourture of living way too much. Some moments I even find myself smiling and laughing and thinking that life is so beautiful and... that's still what I live for. But it just hurts so much every time I let the world get to me. Every time one negative look or gesture another person makes in regards to something I've said I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. My heart beats fast and... I don't know what to do. I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. Sometimes I think if I just close my eyes maybe... all the pain will go away. And when I open them again...
perhaps I'll be able to see?
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
A realtionship is something where you share things with a person you didn't think that you could tell anyone else. It is being open with someone, it is scary. I dun know what you should do, try to clear your mind of all the clouds of life, and find out what you really feel is the right answer ... that is the only thing that you can truly be content with. You are very beautiful, (extermly... utterly, a goddess you are) Try not to get bogged down with life, and just try to have inner happiness. At the very least know that i find you to be an utter goddess of beauty.
Nutmeg