If, for one day, I could be someone else-
a woman, 26... 27, maybe... or 30... 31. If for one day I could be this woman... long hair... beautiful... flowing down to my shoulders... straight hair-- or curly-- blond, brunette or auburn, it doesn't matter... but if for one day I could be her, then maybe, maybe life would tranpose itself fair... because although I'm young now, although I'm 19 and have not met my share of people who will become acquantances throughout my life- I know... I know there will never be another person like her-- and... the opportunity is not there- so it's not like I will ever feel like I missed this chance to find- something-- I'm not missing anything. I see it and I know it can't happen. I know it can't happen not only because I'm not exactly the type of person that she would be attracted to (regardless of age), but also because there IS that age thing... as there always is that age thing...
(before the age thing existed with other boundries... such as the woman I liked was most likely straight (though I can't say for sure.)-- but... here... in this situation... the only boundries are of age and of me being me.)
See- if I was someone else... even for a day... If I was some successful business woman or doctor or lawyer who looked like a model- had perfect teeth- perfect eyes- perfect lips-- and a perfect body... If I was this woman I can imagine I am if I close my eyes and look into the mirror behind my eyelids... her- if I was her-- I'd do anything to make this woman happy... If I had the money, I'd rent out a space and have her start up a theatre workshop program for her to continue working with her particular kind of theatre training and... If I was allowed to- I'd hold her in my arms when she complained of being tired... I'd gently lie her down into bed and massage her from head to toe as she drifted to sleep- softly-- I could look into her eyes forever, but only if I was staring behind someone else's face-
I'd live to make her happy-
If I had the money, I'd take her on a world tour and we'd discover the oceans together- we'd travel into foriegn countries where we were outsiders together- where age is irrelevant... even though... I wouldn't be me anyway- so it wouldn't matter and... If I was this successful, beautiful woman I'd take her to the lake and set up a late night picnic under the moonlight...
Yet all I can do is spend my time imagining the specks of starlight sparkle in her blue green eyes-- perfect... it would be perfect if i was...
not me...
if I was this woman who could win her over- who could give her the world and then some... but I can't. As much as I go on and on about how I can't do x y and z... this is something I really can not do- no matter how much I put my mind to it... no matter how much talent I might or might not have.
Yet I've grown into my skin and I feel like I'm judging this situation-- this... relationship that never will be... in a different, more mature way than how I've viewed other similiar situations in the past. Yea- i know I haven't seen her from every angle... I know she's not perfect.. I know there are a lot of imperfections that I cannot see and will never get to see- but this... feeling.. is unlike what i've felt before. I see her... and I want to see her-- she's so amazingly comfortable with being who she is-- this... sexy... charming... absolutely wonderful human being with a smile that melts my heart and sculpts it back up again. I wrote about her last year in a different way... I wrote about myself last year differently too. -- Now... I only see what cannot be-- life... is unfair. And I know I just have to deal with it. After this summer, I'll never see her again. She'll find someone... and live happily ever after. And I'll remain trembling in the raw trimmings of a fairytale wisking away at the speed of light-- I'll remain, and that's how it goes... that's how it has to be. Too bad I'll never be that woman who can win her heart... not for a year, not for a day, not for a moment--
Too bad I'll always be me.
a woman, 26... 27, maybe... or 30... 31. If for one day I could be this woman... long hair... beautiful... flowing down to my shoulders... straight hair-- or curly-- blond, brunette or auburn, it doesn't matter... but if for one day I could be her, then maybe, maybe life would tranpose itself fair... because although I'm young now, although I'm 19 and have not met my share of people who will become acquantances throughout my life- I know... I know there will never be another person like her-- and... the opportunity is not there- so it's not like I will ever feel like I missed this chance to find- something-- I'm not missing anything. I see it and I know it can't happen. I know it can't happen not only because I'm not exactly the type of person that she would be attracted to (regardless of age), but also because there IS that age thing... as there always is that age thing...
(before the age thing existed with other boundries... such as the woman I liked was most likely straight (though I can't say for sure.)-- but... here... in this situation... the only boundries are of age and of me being me.)
See- if I was someone else... even for a day... If I was some successful business woman or doctor or lawyer who looked like a model- had perfect teeth- perfect eyes- perfect lips-- and a perfect body... If I was this woman I can imagine I am if I close my eyes and look into the mirror behind my eyelids... her- if I was her-- I'd do anything to make this woman happy... If I had the money, I'd rent out a space and have her start up a theatre workshop program for her to continue working with her particular kind of theatre training and... If I was allowed to- I'd hold her in my arms when she complained of being tired... I'd gently lie her down into bed and massage her from head to toe as she drifted to sleep- softly-- I could look into her eyes forever, but only if I was staring behind someone else's face-
I'd live to make her happy-
If I had the money, I'd take her on a world tour and we'd discover the oceans together- we'd travel into foriegn countries where we were outsiders together- where age is irrelevant... even though... I wouldn't be me anyway- so it wouldn't matter and... If I was this successful, beautiful woman I'd take her to the lake and set up a late night picnic under the moonlight...
Yet all I can do is spend my time imagining the specks of starlight sparkle in her blue green eyes-- perfect... it would be perfect if i was...
not me...
if I was this woman who could win her over- who could give her the world and then some... but I can't. As much as I go on and on about how I can't do x y and z... this is something I really can not do- no matter how much I put my mind to it... no matter how much talent I might or might not have.
Yet I've grown into my skin and I feel like I'm judging this situation-- this... relationship that never will be... in a different, more mature way than how I've viewed other similiar situations in the past. Yea- i know I haven't seen her from every angle... I know she's not perfect.. I know there are a lot of imperfections that I cannot see and will never get to see- but this... feeling.. is unlike what i've felt before. I see her... and I want to see her-- she's so amazingly comfortable with being who she is-- this... sexy... charming... absolutely wonderful human being with a smile that melts my heart and sculpts it back up again. I wrote about her last year in a different way... I wrote about myself last year differently too. -- Now... I only see what cannot be-- life... is unfair. And I know I just have to deal with it. After this summer, I'll never see her again. She'll find someone... and live happily ever after. And I'll remain trembling in the raw trimmings of a fairytale wisking away at the speed of light-- I'll remain, and that's how it goes... that's how it has to be. Too bad I'll never be that woman who can win her heart... not for a year, not for a day, not for a moment--
Too bad I'll always be me.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
If you ask me, that is.
I know it is not the best thing to say, sorry. But ultimately, the person above me is right (sorry, couldn't remember how to spell it). Don't wish you were someone else...because it will hold back what you can be.
[Edited on May 29, 2003]