girthy

Ugh, I hate being sick.

But today is a new day. Starting today, I'm going to start doing things differently. Like this morning, I'm writing my journal now instead of at the end of the day. I'm doing this for two reasons:

a) To shake things up.

and

b) To ensure a more positive outlook in my journal.

I'm going to go through on the celebacy idea, it just seems like the best route for me at this time. Also, I am going to stop letting the women pic me, I'm going to persue them. I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to be told that I have to quit smoking, I don't want to be told that I would look better with long or short hair. I don't want to be told that I have to change anything about myself. I like me. My friends like me. This means that the girl that I'm with should like ME, not "who I could be."

I don't want to keep getting stuck in these relationships. The ones where I'm competeing with someone that isn't even around. The last three have all been like that.

The first of which, she not only broke up with me, she spread malicious rumours about me being some kind of abusive monster (This was hard to convince to the people that knew me, due to my rampant pacifism).

Two weeks later she got engaged to her ex-boyfriend.

The second of which I got pulled into the drama between two friends of mine. I should have stayed away from that one altogeather, but I was easly seduced by this girl. She was terribly abusive though. She wanted a slave, not a boyfriend. I tried to get out of this relationship FIVE TIMES, but she would wind up reeling me back in. It was when I discovered that she was only in love with my penis that I got out of there for good. In fact I moved 250 miles away to get away from this girl.

And now we come to the most recent. A girl that captivated me with her intelligence and she really seemed to care about me. I couldn't read her though, she just wanted to shut herself out, her excuse; to protect me. However, I would later discover that whatever I needed to know, she would post in her journal. Her public journal. Even private events that happened between us was under possible public scruteny. Worst thing about that was, it was her version of the "truth." Her justification for this was that it was "her journal, she pays to keep it." Um yeah, but when your posting things on a public forum, it's nice to show a little respect to the people around you by NOT making them look like the biggest assholes on the plannet. I mean, come on, if you want to write a bunch of shit about someone and how much you think they suck at any particular time, write it in a private little book that only you can look at an put it under your bed. Don't post it up for the whole world to see and judge, unless that's what you want. If you do choose to do so, then, I'm sorry, but when you are refering to OTHER PEOPLE, you have to keep it 'fair and balanced.' Anything else is libelous.
Plus she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend. At first, I didn't really mind her talking about him constanly, but after a while, it got really old. Really old.
Another thing, she would do these favors for me, that she really didn't need to do. I didn't ask for any of it. Now I owe her big time apparantly. I have no problem paying her back, but I don't appreciate it when some one holds favors over my head like that. Don't do me any favors if you're gonna be like that.

Ugh sorry about the rant, I've just been in a self reflective period lately.

I'm taking a brake from dating and sex for a while.

At least utill I figure out what it is that I want in another person.