I'm feeling substantially better today. I think a major part of me getting so sick was the total lack of anything healthy entering my body over the past six weeks. In addition to my forced fast, I have had one and a half cigarettes since Saturday night and they weren't worth the effort. I've given them up for the time being. Don't be suprised to see them come back but, for now, they're gone. Currently having a bagel and a bottle of water which is, quite possibly, the biggest meal I've had in 4 days. 
Watched American History X last night and went to bed upset. Not because of the content of the movie per se. I mean yes racial conflict is horrible and the ignorance that sets up that sort of violence is a sad, sad thing, but I grew up in that mess. I saw that kind of ignorant garbage on a daily basis. So, sadly, I'm not that shocked by it. What upset me was that it sent me to bed with my ex on my mind. Who not only loved that movie, but decided he was that kind of an idiot, after the birth of our daughter. And the whole thing just pisses me off that someone could choose to be that ignorant, especially when I know you're smarter than that. But I suppose I chose to be ignorant when I knew better than to be involved with such an ass hole. And yes, I'm greatful that I don't have to have any involvement with him anymore, and it's been 4 years since we've seen each other and over a year since we've spoken so I should be over this by now, right? Why won't he fucking go away?! Why is it that the people that hurt me the most are the ones I carry around with me the longest? i know time and blah, blah, blah and he'll always be a part of my life because of my daughter and whatever and that's fine. I just wish he didn't still have the ability to get to me.
I didn't sleep well and I woke up feeling depressed but I'm feeling more focused now and for me that's the way it goes. Some day I'll be able to figure out how to be happy and make my brainwork at the same time... trouble is I think my brain is the source of much of my unhappiness. Oh well, a girl can dream.
Watched American History X last night and went to bed upset. Not because of the content of the movie per se. I mean yes racial conflict is horrible and the ignorance that sets up that sort of violence is a sad, sad thing, but I grew up in that mess. I saw that kind of ignorant garbage on a daily basis. So, sadly, I'm not that shocked by it. What upset me was that it sent me to bed with my ex on my mind. Who not only loved that movie, but decided he was that kind of an idiot, after the birth of our daughter. And the whole thing just pisses me off that someone could choose to be that ignorant, especially when I know you're smarter than that. But I suppose I chose to be ignorant when I knew better than to be involved with such an ass hole. And yes, I'm greatful that I don't have to have any involvement with him anymore, and it's been 4 years since we've seen each other and over a year since we've spoken so I should be over this by now, right? Why won't he fucking go away?! Why is it that the people that hurt me the most are the ones I carry around with me the longest? i know time and blah, blah, blah and he'll always be a part of my life because of my daughter and whatever and that's fine. I just wish he didn't still have the ability to get to me.
I didn't sleep well and I woke up feeling depressed but I'm feeling more focused now and for me that's the way it goes. Some day I'll be able to figure out how to be happy and make my brainwork at the same time... trouble is I think my brain is the source of much of my unhappiness. Oh well, a girl can dream.
Probably because we aren't hard drives. When someone has that kind of impact on your life, AND you have a child together...they will always be on your mind, in one fashion or another. Glad that you're feeling better, and take care!
Like Loslope says... people that have the largest impact on your life, whether good or bad, are often the ones that we have a hard time letting go of. I think it has to do with conscience and wanting to let things go cleanly. When things go badly it's tough to let that go easily.