girlinglass

Okay, so two weeks ago I went to the Bleeding Through show I'd been looking forward to for a really long time, and while I was there I was approached by a guy who complimented me and said since we were both alone there we should hang out. I was very flattered and appreciative of his gesture. So, when the show ended I suggested we get coffee, and we ended up deciding to go to his apartment instead because I can't have caffeine late at night, and the coffee shop didn't have anything vegan I could eat. He made a comment that I am a very trusting person for going with him to his apartment on the very night we'd met, but there was just something about him that totally put me at ease and I actually did trust him to an extent, I could tell he was a good person. Well we go back there and talk and he fixes me some homemade pop and noodles, and I was really excited because I felt there was alot of promise there. Then the phone rang, and it was a girl, and he immediately explained who I was and what was going on, then said he'd call her back and that he loved her. He told me at the time that she was his 'best friend' and that they are very protective of each other.. but it was obvious to me that it went deeper than that. So I went home feeling very confused as to how I should feel. I couldn't very well get too attached knowing that he has a girlfriend already.. So I tried to tell myself that I should try to care as little as possible for him, under threat of having my heart violently ripped from my chest at some point in the future. And yet, I can't seem to help but feel this way. It may seem ridiculous considering that we've just met, but I really feel for him and I want to get to know him much better. To make matters worse, the other night we went to another show together and some of the things he did confused me even further. He gave me a comp. cd he made for me and "New Girl" by the Suicide Machines was the first track, so I deduced that he was trying to tell me something by that... and furthermore during the night, he called me 'babe', introduced me as his girl, walked with me arm and arm, invited me to spend the night there, and numerous other body language expressions... All of which I must have misinterpreted, either that or he is deliberately playing with my emotions.. I'm not sure which just yet. Ok but back to that night of the Avail show, I left kind of early because my family would kick my ass if I spent the night there, and I did not want to give in to any temptation with him while he was drinking because that would be cheap. So the whole night i am thinking about how much i want to kiss him, and I'm so happy because I think he likes me too, and when I got home that night I was thinking of him in bed, and I came really really hard. This only complicated matters. The next day when I was talking to him I asked him if I was still just a friend he goes to shows with, or if he would like me to be anything more than that.... and he said that we're still 'show-buddies'... I felt extremely disappointed that I will never even be given the chance to show him who I am, and for us to be together. It was kind of a feeling of being shot down when I'd only just gotten off the ground, and I felt like complete shit all day. I felt like he was in effect telling me I was not good enough for him, and could not even compare to this other woman whom he loved. So i was just crying, but thankfully later that night he called me and we talked for like 3 hours and he really made me feel better. But he only perpetuated the situation. He may have even made it worse for me if he truly has no intentions of ever being with me. He said that I'm adorable and he would love to be happy with me but that he is really confused right now.. .Well the longer he waits around to tell me what he wants, the more invested i become in him, and the more i have to lose. So, I'm feeling very vulnerable right now, because in the back of my mind I think it's only a matter of time until he hurts me. So, I am in a very awkward position right now that I absolutely hate that I let him put me in. I am falling for him more and more each time we talk and hang out, so the merciful thing for him to do is to break it off immediately with me if he truly does not want a relationship with me ever. And if he would like to get to know me better to find out if he would like a relationship, he should start opening up to me and tell me about his situation with this girl, and what I'm up against if I get attached to him. Have you ever felt a feeling like your chest is being pried open, your ribs violently parted, and your heart is just beating there fully exposed? This is how I feel right now. Vwery Confused!!! Let's see if emoticons can do it justice:
confused because i can't read him
sad because I'm pretty sure i will feel alot of pain, and getting my heart broken seems inevitable
Puke because I hate feeling like i have to measure up to a standard, and i hate going from feeling super confident and happy to be single, to being reduced to feeling like I'm hanging on his every word and action.
Blush because I want to do naughty things to this boy!
Kissy face because I really want to kiss him, and for it to mean as much to him as it would to me.
Happy to have met him, and to have a new friend if that's the least we will ever be, I'm grateful for his friendship.