So I've been thinking about dying lately. My brothers, my friends, my grandparents, people I loved, now gone. Nice people, caring people, loving people. According to the latest astronomical data, our solar system crosses the galactic equator on December 21, 2012. A numerologist's dream right? 12.21.2012. All prime numbers. If you add up the year, you get 5, the number of perfection, according to the Templar Knights. I wonder what will happen that day? I've heard all kinds of crazy speculation. The earth's magnetic poles will switch. Our atmosphere will be blown away by the combined linear solar wind of the Galaxy. The Earth's temperature is not rising due to global warming, but our continuing proximity to the "Milky Way", etc. etc. etc. "In the midst of life we are in death, etc."
You know what I think will happen? Nothing. The wheels will keep rolling. Good ol' Earth will keep spinning, and I'll probably keep living. I wonder, why do these other people die, while I still live? It's a puzzling question. Not that I believe that I deserve to die or anything stupid like that, but the randomness is hard to comprehend.
My whole thesis is based upon the premise that there exists a fundamental evil and a fundamental good. But, as we all know, living life is like rolling dice. Some people live, some people die.
It just seems so bizarre. Sure, it would be nice to believe in some kind of plan or whatever, but the more I study, the more I research, the less convinced I become that there's really anything out there but chance. The exact opposite of what I expected to find. I thought to deepen my faith. Unfortunately I find it lessened everyday.
I'm just so tired. Maybe I just need to like sleep for a week straight or something. It's sometimes seems like I'll never be awake again. Or, at least, not awake like I was when I was a kid, playing in my band. I come home from work and just kind of want to go to sleep. Sure, I interact, I watch the Giants' games at my local pub, I go out on Saturday night, I play my guitars, I like to cook, blah blah blah.
But, when I really reflect. When I really think deeply about what it is I really want to be doing in my free time, it's sleeping. I read somewhere, probably on the AP, that Americans simply do not get enough rest. I don't know about y'all, but I just can't fit in 8.5 hours of sleep. I'm usually lucky, between work, my studies and my desire to socialize, to get 5-6 hours a night.
You know what I think will happen? Nothing. The wheels will keep rolling. Good ol' Earth will keep spinning, and I'll probably keep living. I wonder, why do these other people die, while I still live? It's a puzzling question. Not that I believe that I deserve to die or anything stupid like that, but the randomness is hard to comprehend.
My whole thesis is based upon the premise that there exists a fundamental evil and a fundamental good. But, as we all know, living life is like rolling dice. Some people live, some people die.
It just seems so bizarre. Sure, it would be nice to believe in some kind of plan or whatever, but the more I study, the more I research, the less convinced I become that there's really anything out there but chance. The exact opposite of what I expected to find. I thought to deepen my faith. Unfortunately I find it lessened everyday.
I'm just so tired. Maybe I just need to like sleep for a week straight or something. It's sometimes seems like I'll never be awake again. Or, at least, not awake like I was when I was a kid, playing in my band. I come home from work and just kind of want to go to sleep. Sure, I interact, I watch the Giants' games at my local pub, I go out on Saturday night, I play my guitars, I like to cook, blah blah blah.
But, when I really reflect. When I really think deeply about what it is I really want to be doing in my free time, it's sleeping. I read somewhere, probably on the AP, that Americans simply do not get enough rest. I don't know about y'all, but I just can't fit in 8.5 hours of sleep. I'm usually lucky, between work, my studies and my desire to socialize, to get 5-6 hours a night.
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you know that verse from Corintihians? It's used in a lot of wedding ceremonies. at least verse 11. Anyway, yeah, I think though, that the reason I like to sleep is much more mundane, unfortunately. My roomate and I drink a lot of wine and scotch throughout the week, so every morning we drag ourselves out of bed to our respective jobs and just try and pretend other people don't exist.
I like the poem, even though rhyming couplets not associated with a Nordic Epic poem usually seem forced.
To be honest, by the time we make it to Friday, we're both just so exhausted with the effort to act normal in a corporate hell that it's all we can do to have our dinner night on Saturday. It's so exhausting to be fake. I never realized this until I joined the corporate world. In my band, I could drink, smoke dope, take as mauch vicodin or demerol as I wanted, and nobody gave a fuck as long as I covered the bass parts.
As a music major, playing the AltblockFlote, manuevering my fingers around the bass was relatively easy, so 5 vicodins, 2 shots of Vodka, a couple of valium and whatever else I happened to get my hands on, did not really impede my musical sensibility.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well when I'm forecasting budgets. But whatever, I'm too damn old to go back, too young to go on, so right now, I'm just making it through. Someday, I'll be old and broke, living in a rooming hotel with everybody else who thought that they would certainly die young, and then, I figure I'll just drink cheap gin and watch daytime TV until God decides to let me rest.
and i feel you... i work in legal services now, for almost the past 2 years... it a sad place, to see all those who have settled, and like, that's it for them. i continue to plan my escape! and music i am trying to make it be.
the best way out is always through, as they say!