gingerkiss

I'm having one of those not so joyful reflections.
No particularly reason or maybe far too many reasons.
My mind is so dense with thought and feeling it's hard to distinguish one from the other.
Anyhow, it's just a feelingI just wish not to wake up from my next cycle of sleep.

Maybe, it has something to do with my womanhood.
Maybe, it's my being too sober for all the drinking I've done this past week.
Maybe, I hate that I'm still finding myself messing up.

Now that I'm older, it seems that for every step backwards I fall onto during my progress forward is more divesting than the last.
As adults we learn from our mistakes so not to repeat them and
we're also suppose to take what we can from that learned situation (along with taught information)
and be able to apply all that discovered knowledge to situations (even though it may be nothing like the first lesson learned) to keep us from making a NEW KIND of mistake. You follow?

Why do I allow myself to destroy my very essence. How is it that I can't follow my own encouragement and guidance. How is it that I have so many people in my life that love and adore me, yet I can feel absolute loneness at times. Am I the only soul that has these contemplations.