Happy new year everyone!!
I spend the first hour of the new year crying.
I spend new years with my closest friends and at midnight my best friend started crying because she couldnt call her mom for the first time this year. I started to cry too and I didnt stop for another hour. It took another friend about half an hour to finally calm me down. More about that later. It was nice to let it all out, though. I dont think it was just for my friends mom and the whole situation surrounding it, but I think it was about everything that happened in the last few months. At work, at home, everything.
I didnt end up speaking at the funeral for my friends mom. Even walking into that room felt like too much for me and I could hardly breathe. It was a beautiful service though with lots of people talking about her and how wonderful she was. Everyone was crying the whole time, but it was good.
Love:
Now this is complicated.
I have a friend. Hes a really good friend. My best male friend actually.
We started off as colleagues about 7 months ago. We had fun, it was nice working with him, no feelings, just fun.
He was then asked to manage another store, so we no longer worked together, but we live pretty close to each other, and we both love going out. So we still saw each other about 3 or 4 times a week.
One night he told me he wanted to have sex with me. Hes an attractive guy but when I became store manager I made a personal rule, never sleep with anyone from work , so when we started working together I told myself time and again, no, it cant happen, dont pursue anything, your job comes first, lets just keep this friendly, and hes probably not even interested anyway . Turns out he was. This came as a total surprise to me, I did not expect it at all. But, after the shock had worn off we did end up having sex.
We continued having sex and drinking together for a few months, and nothing really interesting happened until the end of November. By then we saw each other almost daily, sleeping over too, leaving for work together, just spending loads of time together. So our relationship started to change a little bit too. We just never talked about it. As my friends mom died he was always there for me, not really saying anything but just coming over when he knew I was having a hard time.
The night my friends mom died he called me up crying. Something really bad had happened at work and he had lost his job. The fact I was the first one he called obviously meant something.
We kind of talked about this one night when we were insanely drunk. I dont even remember the whole conversation, but it went something like: okay, we both know theres more going on, but we dont know what, so lets not put a label on it.
After one night of particularly amazing sex about two weeks ago I told him we had to talk. It couldnt really go on the way it had. We both knew there was much more going on than just friendship, we actually love each other, but Im not in love with him. I told him this, and we decided wed be better off being friends because we value the friendship more and dont want to ruin things by trying something.
After this talk new years happened. He was there too, among all my friends. He was the one I wanted to cry too, he was the one who comforted me, who held me when I cried and who told me he loved me.
I think I regret saying I dont want to try being together.
I know Im not IN love with him. I know starting something would be a bad idea because the friendship has developed too far to have something romantic going on. I know I dont want him out of my life if it ends. I know it will end.
But above everything else, I dont want to lose him. I dont want him out of my life. I still want to see him as often as I do know. But if either of us starts dating someone that will end and I desperately dont want it to.
I spend the first hour of the new year crying.
I spend new years with my closest friends and at midnight my best friend started crying because she couldnt call her mom for the first time this year. I started to cry too and I didnt stop for another hour. It took another friend about half an hour to finally calm me down. More about that later. It was nice to let it all out, though. I dont think it was just for my friends mom and the whole situation surrounding it, but I think it was about everything that happened in the last few months. At work, at home, everything.
I didnt end up speaking at the funeral for my friends mom. Even walking into that room felt like too much for me and I could hardly breathe. It was a beautiful service though with lots of people talking about her and how wonderful she was. Everyone was crying the whole time, but it was good.
Love:
Now this is complicated.
I have a friend. Hes a really good friend. My best male friend actually.
We started off as colleagues about 7 months ago. We had fun, it was nice working with him, no feelings, just fun.
He was then asked to manage another store, so we no longer worked together, but we live pretty close to each other, and we both love going out. So we still saw each other about 3 or 4 times a week.
One night he told me he wanted to have sex with me. Hes an attractive guy but when I became store manager I made a personal rule, never sleep with anyone from work , so when we started working together I told myself time and again, no, it cant happen, dont pursue anything, your job comes first, lets just keep this friendly, and hes probably not even interested anyway . Turns out he was. This came as a total surprise to me, I did not expect it at all. But, after the shock had worn off we did end up having sex.
We continued having sex and drinking together for a few months, and nothing really interesting happened until the end of November. By then we saw each other almost daily, sleeping over too, leaving for work together, just spending loads of time together. So our relationship started to change a little bit too. We just never talked about it. As my friends mom died he was always there for me, not really saying anything but just coming over when he knew I was having a hard time.
The night my friends mom died he called me up crying. Something really bad had happened at work and he had lost his job. The fact I was the first one he called obviously meant something.
We kind of talked about this one night when we were insanely drunk. I dont even remember the whole conversation, but it went something like: okay, we both know theres more going on, but we dont know what, so lets not put a label on it.
After one night of particularly amazing sex about two weeks ago I told him we had to talk. It couldnt really go on the way it had. We both knew there was much more going on than just friendship, we actually love each other, but Im not in love with him. I told him this, and we decided wed be better off being friends because we value the friendship more and dont want to ruin things by trying something.
After this talk new years happened. He was there too, among all my friends. He was the one I wanted to cry too, he was the one who comforted me, who held me when I cried and who told me he loved me.
I think I regret saying I dont want to try being together.
I know Im not IN love with him. I know starting something would be a bad idea because the friendship has developed too far to have something romantic going on. I know I dont want him out of my life if it ends. I know it will end.
But above everything else, I dont want to lose him. I dont want him out of my life. I still want to see him as often as I do know. But if either of us starts dating someone that will end and I desperately dont want it to.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
crimsonpetals:
Sounds all very complicated and devestating 
Big hugs Miss. I don't really have any advice to offer. Only you know how you're feeling, which sucks I know because alot of the time we don't actually know what we are feeling 
Maybe not seeing each other as often, and focusing on something else, will put things into perspective. You sound very emotional over the whole thing, and maybe that's because of everything else that's been going on too. I know 'I' don't make wise decisions when I'm emotional. Hope it works out for the best, what ever that might be.
Big hugs Miss. I don't really have any advice to offer. Only you know how you're feeling, which sucks I know because alot of the time we don't actually know what we are feeling Maybe not seeing each other as often, and focusing on something else, will put things into perspective. You sound very emotional over the whole thing, and maybe that's because of everything else that's been going on too. I know 'I' don't make wise decisions when I'm emotional. Hope it works out for the best, what ever that might be.
megglatron:
I wish I had some useful advice, or could just make everything all better for you. I certainly know where you're coming from. Unfortunately, life is full of dodging and taking bullets to the heart.