giggles

Had sex on Thursday, kind of felt like guilt sex (like Chris was just dong it cause he felt guilty for getting caught with porn on the computer and pills) He even tried to get into new positions to mix it up, and we couldn't get the new positions done (Made me feel like a fat cow, so not in the mood by then)

Had awesome sex on Saturday, then had a bad dream (Dream: Went on computer found more porn on his internet, tried to call him realized his cell was at home so tried to call my dad to tell him to call me, went to our office/craft room found our ipod so i knew he was in there went on laptop out there found more porn and dating websites and such was hysterical in my dream, still trying to call but couldn't get it to work)

Had another talk last night.................The porn on the internet was out of habit. He saw his dad do it all the time just look at porn online and growing up with that and not hearing his mom get angry or upset made him think that it was a normal thing to do (yet another reason i hate his parents) He told me that he really gets no pleasure out of it and he hates that he did it and that he is sorry he did it and sorry that he hurt me.

Still can't understand how a man can look at porn and not get aroused, it was like just something else to look at for him, he wasn't even back logging it in his head for use to masturbate later or get no ideas for us to try. He said he would go to a site he knows find a link, look at something interesting and find another link and so on, that's why there was sooo many pages and all wayyy different. (The MILF and rape and wife swap thing still creeps me out, but he wasn't searching for anything or any body type specifically.

I asked if there was anything i could do to help him, he said no just be myself (we already got parent controls on the computer and re-hid the keys for the pill box and I changed the code) Being myslef hasn't stopped him in the past so what makes it different now?

I did ask a favor of him......to show me that he is still attracted to me either by compliments of touchy feely stuff. I really do feel like crap after this whole thing. Just yuck