gigglefuckbunny

Dear Pessoa,

I detest the word love. Im bothered how people just throw around that word. They just love everyone. And well I dont define love in a way that you can just throw it around like that. I get very irritated when I get an IM from an ex saying people love you. I just want to tell her to fuck off. She lies about so much shit and I just cant stand her uttering that word. I think shes just in love with love itself.

I cant stand that stupid line I never met anyone like u. Yes thank you, I know I am that fucked up. We dont need to classify me in my very one category do we? We are all different so of course you never met someone like me.

I would really like a sign or something to put on me that will make people understand straight off the bat I dont want you to say I love u or some clich line. I would like guys and girls to stop hitting on my in school and online. I dont want to be with anyone right now. I just want to be an old fart.

Its upsetting that I always had the best fun with guys. I want to have fun and play some street hockey with the boys and I cant because the guys I use to hang with live too far away now. So I try to make other friends and I find they get all mad at me that I rather be friends. They say stupid comments like ur special and I like u a lot and I want to be more then just a friend. So I try to look for some other tom boys like myself. And I find they either want to fuck me too or I just cant find them. And regular girls I just cant stand.

Girls have driven me nuts since grade school. They like to play house and shit that I cant stand. It has just gotten worse these days. They talk about marriage. For gods sake we're only 20! You have so much time to think about stuff like that later. Everyone I knew from High School is flashing an engagement ring at me. And then they ask that stupid insecure questions like so wheres your ring. . . do u have a boyfriend? Reality all these girls are going to get divorced by age 25. I think people find marriage a way to be social or something. Its pretty sick in my opinion.

I find the only reason I cry and whine about wanting someone to hold me is because I am really sad deep down inside. And somehow I got this sick twisted idea that a boyfriend or girlfriend will make it better. Reality of the matter is only you can make yourself happy.

So whats my plan? To be happy to fake a grin and deep down be crying like I always do. Heh. . . no Im going to put my energy in something else then in my problems. Im going to dance. Im going to have fun. I plan on goals of running a mile under 5minutes. Things like this will burn stress and just chill me out. And about me pushing my art to the side because Im too depressed well its time to just forget about it. Im going to push myself no matter what to draw every day for an hour or two. No matter what Im going to work hard in my art and use that as an emotional outlet. When I want to cry and rant I will do something productive instead of curling in fetal position to cry. Because crying wont fix the problems. Ive been doing that for two years so far and its not helping anything. Everyday it seems to get worse. I have lost my identity because of depression and it hurts. The only thing I can use to describe me and what I do is depression. I dont want to use that for a word. I want to be happy and do something with myself.

I dont expect to not be depressed after all this therapy of running and getting in art to disappear. I know I will always be a little sad. I think thats just part of me. It is what makes me create the bitter sweet images I do. . .

Better outlook from yesterday,
Candy