beware this might make u sick . . . just dont read it if u like to imagine I'm so much happier and better then this. . .
Well I guess I will be a virgin a few more years. . .I just realize I have lost every bit of interest in sex (and everything else for that matter). I look at ppl and think there cute but I just dont want sex. I rather shrivel up and die then have sex with someone. Deep down I hate to say it but I'm a hopeless romantic. I want the first time to be special which is just a pathetic on my part. I mean who can ask for something like that in our time? I wanted the first time to be with someone I care for. Of course I didnt think I would marry them but I hope it just be a special moment. Maybe later that week the romance might end but I like it to be with someone I care about. Not just some one night stand. I hate being so girly about it and wanting that first time to be special. I like to get over this and get drunk and have sex with someone already. Why must I be silly about it and want it to be with someone I love and why does the person I love be a cheater and girl? Why can't I be normal? Silly to say normal because theres no such thing as "normal its mainly what u think is normal and theres nothing right now normal. In my life ur not allowed to like the same sex and u should never even think about socializing with liars. But why do I do it? Why must a crawl in the hole? Why can't I just see the hole and walk around it?
To top it all off I feel so alone. My friends have been becoming non existence these days. Ever since my second to last relationship I have been pushing away ppl. Now I feel so alone. I always use to feel kinda alone even when I had friends but now I am really feeling it. The ppl I hang out with are just ppl I hang out with. I cant call them friends and I doubt they would call me a friend. Just a girl that they go to raves with. Just a person they get wasted with. If I would die tomorrow no one would come to my house and ask were I was. Why would anyone care? I really need to get out of buffalo this spring break but theres no where I feel welcomed and thats a bad thing bc I know I am at the edge and I know this feeling I have inside will just make me do something stupid like kill myself. I have thought about jumping in Niagara just way too much these days its just not funny any more.
Month by month my cutting sprees are coming closer. It use to be just every six months and then once a month and then just twice a month and now Im at twice a week. ::sighs:: All I want is some peace and a hug. I wish for a physical hug. I dont want to ask for it. I just want to get grabbed and held tight. It would mean so much to me to feel some sort of warmth. I could really use some positive energy right now and theres no where I can get it.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. . . no?
Well I guess I will be a virgin a few more years. . .I just realize I have lost every bit of interest in sex (and everything else for that matter). I look at ppl and think there cute but I just dont want sex. I rather shrivel up and die then have sex with someone. Deep down I hate to say it but I'm a hopeless romantic. I want the first time to be special which is just a pathetic on my part. I mean who can ask for something like that in our time? I wanted the first time to be with someone I care for. Of course I didnt think I would marry them but I hope it just be a special moment. Maybe later that week the romance might end but I like it to be with someone I care about. Not just some one night stand. I hate being so girly about it and wanting that first time to be special. I like to get over this and get drunk and have sex with someone already. Why must I be silly about it and want it to be with someone I love and why does the person I love be a cheater and girl? Why can't I be normal? Silly to say normal because theres no such thing as "normal its mainly what u think is normal and theres nothing right now normal. In my life ur not allowed to like the same sex and u should never even think about socializing with liars. But why do I do it? Why must a crawl in the hole? Why can't I just see the hole and walk around it?
To top it all off I feel so alone. My friends have been becoming non existence these days. Ever since my second to last relationship I have been pushing away ppl. Now I feel so alone. I always use to feel kinda alone even when I had friends but now I am really feeling it. The ppl I hang out with are just ppl I hang out with. I cant call them friends and I doubt they would call me a friend. Just a girl that they go to raves with. Just a person they get wasted with. If I would die tomorrow no one would come to my house and ask were I was. Why would anyone care? I really need to get out of buffalo this spring break but theres no where I feel welcomed and thats a bad thing bc I know I am at the edge and I know this feeling I have inside will just make me do something stupid like kill myself. I have thought about jumping in Niagara just way too much these days its just not funny any more.
Month by month my cutting sprees are coming closer. It use to be just every six months and then once a month and then just twice a month and now Im at twice a week. ::sighs:: All I want is some peace and a hug. I wish for a physical hug. I dont want to ask for it. I just want to get grabbed and held tight. It would mean so much to me to feel some sort of warmth. I could really use some positive energy right now and theres no where I can get it.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. . . no?
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
P.S. I (and probably a lot of other people) can identify with your feelings about your life. I even have some wicked self inflicted scars. All I can say is, there's probably nothing a complete stranger can say to make you feel any better but if it helps, you're not alone.
I don't know if that made much sense but I tried
[Edited on Apr 12, 2003]