gigglefuckbunny

"Holy"
by The Golden Palaminos

I eat only sleep and air
And everyone thinks I'm dumb
But I'm smart because I figured it out

I am slimmer than you are
And I am burning my skin off
Little by little
Til I reach bone and self
Until I get to where I am essential
Until I get to where I am

Food doesn't tempt me anymore
Because I am so full of energy and sense
I can even pass by water now
Because I am living off the parts of me that I don't need anymore
I could feel the slow drips of pain before
Swirling inside where my lungs should have been
Now I'm clean inside

I threw out hundreds of things that I didn't need anymore
All my dresses and bras
Stupid things like jeans and socks
Most days I float through the house naked
So I can see myself in the mirrors
I have hundreds of them everywhere
They talk back to me all the time
They keep me true and pure
They make sure I'm still here

When I knew what I had to do
I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
And ate them page by page
So I could take my words with me

I can finally control my life
And even death
And I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe

This is my greatest performance
And all the actresses who won my parts will say,
"How wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
How wonderful to go on that kind of a journey,
And not care if you come back to tell the story."

I scratch words on the walls now
So people will visit this museum and know how someone like me ends up like this
They'll say there is art in here somewhere

Everything that comes out of me is sacred
Every tear, every cough, every piss
Everything that comes off of me is sacred
Every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair
Starvation is sacred
And I scratch my bones against the windows at night
I light candles and feel myself evaporate

This body's a little church, a little temple
You can't see me now because I've gone inside

My family doesn't call anymore
My friends don't call anymore
They can't hurt me anymore
Only I can
And that's okay
I don't need them anymore
I can live off of me
I speak to me, I dance with me
I eat me

When they find me I'll have a little smile on my face
And they'll wrap me in a white cloth
And lay me in the ground
And say they don't understand
But I do
I don't hurt anymore
I'm not lonely anymore
I'm not sad, I'm not pretty anymore
I made it through

I feel so holy and clean
When I stretch out on the floor and sing
Sometimes God comes in for a minute
And says I'm doing fine
I'm almost there

Every day I get a little closer to vanishing
Some days I can't stand up
Because the room moves under my feet
And I smile because I'm almost there
I'm almost an angel

One day when I am thin enough
I'll go outside fluttering my hands so I can fly
And I will be so slight
That I will pass through all of you
Silently
Like wind