It was either this or screaming.
That's the truth.
If don't write this out I may just explode in a screaming rage. It feels that way.
Constant frog in the throat feeling.
I feel like I've fucked up everything royally with everything. The only thing that makes sense right now in this moment is that when I type it creates words. Thoughts in written form. The only thing that makes sense is when I hold down certain strings in certain places on the ukulele it makes music. And when I open my mouth I end up singing.
That's all that makes sense right now.
I dropped out of college again. This time it was lackage in the financial and planning department of my life. This is one of the few times I've felt genuinely stupid. Like a complete moron/idiot/stooge/dumbass.
I've already missed classes. Enrolled in classes late. Financial Aid hadn't come in yet. No income tax return as a back up plan. It was just like running full force into a concrete wall. Run. BAM. Run. BAM. Run. BAM!
Its so frustrating because all I want to do is fucking learn. I want to go to class and learn things and get experience so I can make films. Get that degree that makes everyone take me seriously. Makes everyone listen.
I fucking hate this so much. I've been thinking of moving back to New Mexico and going to school there. I can attend whenever I'm ready. I know people there. Things could/can/will/would happen there. They have a film program I can follow. That makes sense.
The last time I tried that I freaked/panicked and came home. I felt so liberated there. I panicked. I think I just need to man up and get it done. Make myself be ready for it. I could panic and I accept that.
I would miss everyone and everything here. [How fitting the Smashing Pumpkins just came on the radio]
My horoscope says:
"While all around you is in chaos, you can remain constant. The recipe you're after is success, and the only way to achieve it is to make sure that confidence exudes from each and every pore. Stop wondering what to do. You already know."
I'm not a certain person. I fail or fail miserably. Fuck up shit royally. Get confused. Panic. Run. Confront. Take on. Walk. And win. . . win like no one's goddamn business.
I'm me. I fuck up and try to fix it.
So for now I clasp my hands with Nevada's and kiss it on the lips but soon I'll dance with a new place and trade lips for hearts. I will be leaving and I will be ready.
I'm fixing the holes in my boat and putting a new sail up. This time I can be ready.
with love. . .
xo
That's the truth.
If don't write this out I may just explode in a screaming rage. It feels that way.
Constant frog in the throat feeling.
I feel like I've fucked up everything royally with everything. The only thing that makes sense right now in this moment is that when I type it creates words. Thoughts in written form. The only thing that makes sense is when I hold down certain strings in certain places on the ukulele it makes music. And when I open my mouth I end up singing.
That's all that makes sense right now.
I dropped out of college again. This time it was lackage in the financial and planning department of my life. This is one of the few times I've felt genuinely stupid. Like a complete moron/idiot/stooge/dumbass.
I've already missed classes. Enrolled in classes late. Financial Aid hadn't come in yet. No income tax return as a back up plan. It was just like running full force into a concrete wall. Run. BAM. Run. BAM. Run. BAM!
Its so frustrating because all I want to do is fucking learn. I want to go to class and learn things and get experience so I can make films. Get that degree that makes everyone take me seriously. Makes everyone listen.
I fucking hate this so much. I've been thinking of moving back to New Mexico and going to school there. I can attend whenever I'm ready. I know people there. Things could/can/will/would happen there. They have a film program I can follow. That makes sense.
The last time I tried that I freaked/panicked and came home. I felt so liberated there. I panicked. I think I just need to man up and get it done. Make myself be ready for it. I could panic and I accept that.
I would miss everyone and everything here. [How fitting the Smashing Pumpkins just came on the radio]
My horoscope says:
"While all around you is in chaos, you can remain constant. The recipe you're after is success, and the only way to achieve it is to make sure that confidence exudes from each and every pore. Stop wondering what to do. You already know."
I'm not a certain person. I fail or fail miserably. Fuck up shit royally. Get confused. Panic. Run. Confront. Take on. Walk. And win. . . win like no one's goddamn business.
I'm me. I fuck up and try to fix it.
So for now I clasp my hands with Nevada's and kiss it on the lips but soon I'll dance with a new place and trade lips for hearts. I will be leaving and I will be ready.
I'm fixing the holes in my boat and putting a new sail up. This time I can be ready.
with love. . .
xo
*hugs* things will get better.