I've lived on my own now for over 10 years--ever since I moved up to Seattle for grad school. Since then I've gone from assorted apartments to owning my own condo. I can't drive due to eyesight issues, so I've mastered the bus system, and have Yellow Cab on speed dial. Happily, I also live in an area where a bunch of friends live, so when I'm out with them, someone is almost always going my way when it's time to go home. Financially I've had some lean times that included a year of unemployment followed by bankruptcy, but for the most part I've always been able to pay my bills when I needed to, without having to constantly borrow or be supported by friends or family. My social circle is an active one, with frequent outings or movie or game nights, etc--but I can also find my own entertainment if need be.
In short, through my efforts over the years, I've become very self-sufficient--but as time goes on, I worry that this is another way to say "static," and worry about what my life will be like down the road. The choices I make seem to lead me towards a solitary life. At parties, I often circulate because I don't have anything to say. At clubs, I dance in part because I have a hard time hearing over the music--but other people manage, and they make connections while I'm out on the floor. I decide I want to see a movie or play poker or rent anime or see a play or whatever, and I do these things on my own if no-one wants to do them with me. Which can be good--you shouldn't not do something just because no-one is doing it with you. But then again, if the choices you make often end up with you doing things alone, deliberately or not, at some point you need to think about what you're doing if you want a different outcome.
I have introvert tendencies, but I'm not really an introvert, I don't think--maybe it would be easier if I was. But I like people, I like company. I can even be high maintenance sometimes, as embarrassing as that is to admit. I get lonely when I'm on my own for too long. I invite people to do things before doing them on my own. I like to think I'm a giving person, who is not stingy with support or affection to those I care about. My intent is to form connections and relationships--but my decisions and actions sometimes seem to bely that intent.
It's like on some level I don't trust people, and I have to do it all myself. But on another level I yearn...I yearn to just let myself go, lose myself in a group or with a person, and see what it's like to truly be a part of something bigger than myself--not just share space for a little while and then go back to my space afterwards. I just worry I'm too set in my ways to take that opportunity should it present itself. Or I worry I'll go too far the other way, and become needy.
A friend from college once told me she got the impression I was always sitting in the back of my head, detached and dispassionate, thinking carefully before taking any action. Another person once told a different friend that he thought I was a nice guy--but that I seemed to be waiting for something. I'm doing my best to not let life pass me by--but I don't want to reach the end and find I left everyone behind either.
But then it's probably easier on a person to be the one who leaves, than to be the one left.
Heh, this got a little more serious than intended. I have plenty of friends. I have people who enjoy my company. I may go home alone every night, but tomorrow is another day, and anything might happen. And I have at least learned one thing over the years: not making a decision under the excuse of wanting to keep your options open is worse than making a decision you regret later. At least something happens when you choose, instead of wasting your life waiting for some perfect option to come along. So that's something!
In short, through my efforts over the years, I've become very self-sufficient--but as time goes on, I worry that this is another way to say "static," and worry about what my life will be like down the road. The choices I make seem to lead me towards a solitary life. At parties, I often circulate because I don't have anything to say. At clubs, I dance in part because I have a hard time hearing over the music--but other people manage, and they make connections while I'm out on the floor. I decide I want to see a movie or play poker or rent anime or see a play or whatever, and I do these things on my own if no-one wants to do them with me. Which can be good--you shouldn't not do something just because no-one is doing it with you. But then again, if the choices you make often end up with you doing things alone, deliberately or not, at some point you need to think about what you're doing if you want a different outcome.
I have introvert tendencies, but I'm not really an introvert, I don't think--maybe it would be easier if I was. But I like people, I like company. I can even be high maintenance sometimes, as embarrassing as that is to admit. I get lonely when I'm on my own for too long. I invite people to do things before doing them on my own. I like to think I'm a giving person, who is not stingy with support or affection to those I care about. My intent is to form connections and relationships--but my decisions and actions sometimes seem to bely that intent.
It's like on some level I don't trust people, and I have to do it all myself. But on another level I yearn...I yearn to just let myself go, lose myself in a group or with a person, and see what it's like to truly be a part of something bigger than myself--not just share space for a little while and then go back to my space afterwards. I just worry I'm too set in my ways to take that opportunity should it present itself. Or I worry I'll go too far the other way, and become needy.
A friend from college once told me she got the impression I was always sitting in the back of my head, detached and dispassionate, thinking carefully before taking any action. Another person once told a different friend that he thought I was a nice guy--but that I seemed to be waiting for something. I'm doing my best to not let life pass me by--but I don't want to reach the end and find I left everyone behind either.
But then it's probably easier on a person to be the one who leaves, than to be the one left.
Heh, this got a little more serious than intended. I have plenty of friends. I have people who enjoy my company. I may go home alone every night, but tomorrow is another day, and anything might happen. And I have at least learned one thing over the years: not making a decision under the excuse of wanting to keep your options open is worse than making a decision you regret later. At least something happens when you choose, instead of wasting your life waiting for some perfect option to come along. So that's something!
You are amazing and my bff! (best fucking friend)
I don't think you are detached and screw the person that does. You are engaging, handsome, intelligent, stubborn as a mule, and a lot of fun!