i love my friends.
if it weren't for my friends it would all be over... i am sure of it.
our friend and housemate for the past year is going back to dreary old england tomorrow. he will be sorely missed. the cun'ned.
everyone takes lots of things for granted.
me especially. i get so caught up in my own fucking head that i forget that stuff is even happening around me.
i don't think i am the best friend i can be. but i try.
if you still want me, please forgive me, the crown of love is not upon me.
if you still want me, please forgive me, because the spark is not within me.
i say i am gonna do way more than i accomplish.
i have stopped buying things for myself. i really don't need anything else.
except probably books. knowledge reigns supreme over nearly everyone.
a business idea is burning in my brain. capital. capital is all i need. if i can even run it for a year and then live bankrupt in a gutter for 10 years i would be happy.
i am not the most business minded person.
ALL MY THOUGHTS LEAD BACK TO ONE THING.
i'm lonely.
super-lonely.
my friends are awesome. but i need something more. not better... different.
i hate fucking whinging online. boo hoo i am this... i need this... someone pull my dick...
i just need to vent. don't listen to me.
i am every cunt i always hated.
there are so many people out there who deserve to whinge. every oppressed person in every oppressed motherfucking country, rape victims, inmates, everyone who doesn't have a choice of what they are going to do in their whitebred lives on this day full of freedom and opportunity, fucking people who lived under stalinism, people who have had family/friends murdered by the fucking government or at all!, motherfuckers living every goddamned day just trying to live to the next goddamned fucked up day and anyone who doesn't even basic fucking human rights.
and here i am sitting in my fucking room full of shit that i don't need complaining that it's not enough.
but fuck. everyone has problems. my problems aren't as black and white as people who obviously suffer every damned day but they are still problems.
and they fucking make me cry.
not often. not every week. but they fucking make me cry.
not a selfish 'i will never love again' cry. (although i do cry that cry...) i cry for myself and i cry for all those poor motherfuckers i mentioned. i cry for what this world could have been and for every wasted life. i cry for lost potential.
then i stop.
and sometimes i can't cry.
cos there is so much beauty among all this cunting chaos. and you can see it if you look hard enough.
i see it everyday. not in the smile of a baby. not in a budding flower. not in a fucking shopping mall.
beauty is truth.
a bum finding a fucking dollar, seeing someone you have a secret crush on, having nothing better to do than just fucking smiling, laughing at someone, scissor-kicking burning toilet paper in your living room, getting outside of your fucking head anyway you choose, making movies in your bed, all the shit that just happens everyday all over the world.
from bethlehem to jenin the sound is so obscene...
from new york to dublin they're swinging in the wind...
and back again to the loneliness. i'm not sure if anyone can be truly happy alone. it's fucked and shouldn't be true... but i just don't know. we are pre-programmed to pair off and mate i guess. i'm scared of talking to girls incase i find out they aren't my fucking soulmate. it's like that is the only reason i should try and meet new people. to find that one beautiful person.
looks like i'll have to swim.
if it weren't for my friends it would all be over... i am sure of it.
our friend and housemate for the past year is going back to dreary old england tomorrow. he will be sorely missed. the cun'ned.
everyone takes lots of things for granted.
me especially. i get so caught up in my own fucking head that i forget that stuff is even happening around me.
i don't think i am the best friend i can be. but i try.
if you still want me, please forgive me, the crown of love is not upon me.
if you still want me, please forgive me, because the spark is not within me.
i say i am gonna do way more than i accomplish.
i have stopped buying things for myself. i really don't need anything else.
except probably books. knowledge reigns supreme over nearly everyone.
a business idea is burning in my brain. capital. capital is all i need. if i can even run it for a year and then live bankrupt in a gutter for 10 years i would be happy.
i am not the most business minded person.
ALL MY THOUGHTS LEAD BACK TO ONE THING.
i'm lonely.
super-lonely.
my friends are awesome. but i need something more. not better... different.
i hate fucking whinging online. boo hoo i am this... i need this... someone pull my dick...
i just need to vent. don't listen to me.
i am every cunt i always hated.
there are so many people out there who deserve to whinge. every oppressed person in every oppressed motherfucking country, rape victims, inmates, everyone who doesn't have a choice of what they are going to do in their whitebred lives on this day full of freedom and opportunity, fucking people who lived under stalinism, people who have had family/friends murdered by the fucking government or at all!, motherfuckers living every goddamned day just trying to live to the next goddamned fucked up day and anyone who doesn't even basic fucking human rights.
and here i am sitting in my fucking room full of shit that i don't need complaining that it's not enough.
but fuck. everyone has problems. my problems aren't as black and white as people who obviously suffer every damned day but they are still problems.
and they fucking make me cry.
not often. not every week. but they fucking make me cry.
not a selfish 'i will never love again' cry. (although i do cry that cry...) i cry for myself and i cry for all those poor motherfuckers i mentioned. i cry for what this world could have been and for every wasted life. i cry for lost potential.
then i stop.
and sometimes i can't cry.
cos there is so much beauty among all this cunting chaos. and you can see it if you look hard enough.
i see it everyday. not in the smile of a baby. not in a budding flower. not in a fucking shopping mall.
beauty is truth.
a bum finding a fucking dollar, seeing someone you have a secret crush on, having nothing better to do than just fucking smiling, laughing at someone, scissor-kicking burning toilet paper in your living room, getting outside of your fucking head anyway you choose, making movies in your bed, all the shit that just happens everyday all over the world.
from bethlehem to jenin the sound is so obscene...
from new york to dublin they're swinging in the wind...
and back again to the loneliness. i'm not sure if anyone can be truly happy alone. it's fucked and shouldn't be true... but i just don't know. we are pre-programmed to pair off and mate i guess. i'm scared of talking to girls incase i find out they aren't my fucking soulmate. it's like that is the only reason i should try and meet new people. to find that one beautiful person.
looks like i'll have to swim.
somethin' filled up my heart with nothin'
someone told me not to cry.
[Edited on Jun 12, 2005 12:18AM]