gentleman_corpse

I came across a folder recently, spilling out gobs of old writing and drawings like it were your first plate of food at a chinese buffet. Reading some of this stuff was pretty interesting, but alarming in its vulnerability. I realize that most writing reflects the situations/emotions that the author is going through at the moment, but this stuff read like a satirical science fiction diary of every problem, hope, fear, and emotion i've ever had. And through it I realized this:

REALIZATION: I fall "in love" with every colorful, eccentric, pretty odd but in a charming way girl that makes the mistake of smiling at me the wrong way, regardless of how nice, mean, or generally despondent they act towards me.
(this is an over exaggeration. if you fit the above description, it does not necessarily mean that i am in love with you)

This comes to me as no real surprise, but i guess i just never noticed it before. The effects are usually immediate and a bit overwhelming, and sometimes by the end of a single conversation, i'm handing this near-stranger a piece of my beating inner chest thingie. I just kind of toss it in her general direction, trying to be nonchalant about it, hoping that she'll pick it up, fold it up nicely, and stick it in her pocket for safe keeping, but getting offended when she mistakes it for a bit of rubbish on the ground. Its not intentional on my part, and she certainly didn't ask for it. I realize that it is a stupid and illogical situation to be in, but logic has little pull on this subject.

Perhaps its all some kind of payback. After all, how many countless hearts have inadvertently broken wielding those destructive words "i just wanna be friends" at someone i am close to, and then just acting like it all never happened. I can't really comfort them, that will just start this whole ordeal over again. So not really knowing what to do, i try my best to just brush it off. After all, I am quite understanding when it all happens to me, and am quite good friends with many girls i once had a crush on, and vice versa, so she should be okay, right? But it doesn't always work that way, does it? Just two nights ago i came across a girl that used to be obsessed with me, but i didn't know until it was quite a bit too late and our friendship imploded rather awkwardly. I spent the whole show avoiding eye contact as if she were a basilisk. I still feel bad about it, but what do you do?

Is this all some sort of revolving door karma? I don't know if or how karma works, but i feel that they've been forgetting to send me my last few paychecks.

Anyway, I love you, whoever you are (especially if you are a colorful, eccentric, pretty odd but in a charming way girl )

J