I am very appreciative of all the love and concern expressed upon reading my last journal entry. That entry was a fluke in a way because i cannot even believe i brought myself to put all of that out there for people to read.
I received alot of offers to talk whenever needed and i really wish i could but i am not really able to verbalize how i feel about that stuff or anything else personal for that matter. Its an extremely difficult thing for me to express how i feel and/or am hurt with regards to personal matters. Even with the people i am closest with, i am unable to express emotion outwardly unless it is anger. I save despondency for closed doors and closet walls.
Honestly, i am a little embarassed by the last entry. I seemed to be a raving lunatic however, i needed to get that stuff out. i needed to stop saying it all in my head and under my breath through tears. It was driving me mad that morning and if i hadnt got it out i mightv'e driven to my mother's house. lets leave it at, "i mightv'e driven to my mother's house."
Turns out, my mother is stupid. She called me on Friday and just couldnt understand why i had gotten so upset with her. I tried to explain it to her and she says, "Well, thats all you had to say in the first place." Funny thing is, I DID SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I tried to explain circumstances to her several times and the conversation went nowhere. And in the end, as always, I'm the irrational one. Just ask her. She explain it to you between nodding off and spilling her coffee on her lap.
Anyway.
I figure since i have quit smoking, and trust me i will NEVER go back, I know that i CANT just have one or just have one drag, I am D O N E with nicotine, that i will be saving about $3-$4 per day. Thats around $90/month, and that will have to go towards the additional cost of daycare. I am done crying about any of this money shit. I will do this. I will do this well and her father will not win because i will prove unequivocally that we do not need him.
I have also decided that i am dont holding my tongue on anything. While cleaning the apartment the other day i found a card that Lyrics father, WILLIAM DAVID TANNER, 2427 PARK PLACE DR, GRETNA LA 70056, ( just in case anyone reading decides to go on a murderous rampage anywhere in the area ), it had a little guy sort of figure on the front holding a book snd the caption read, "Let me tell you a story about the perfect mother..." and when you open the inside it says, "There was you. The end." He had also taken a picture of me lying in the grass and put some photoshop filter on it, probably color pencil or something, and wrote, "I know the trials of life can get us both down. You take very good care of Lyric and me. Love Always, Will." This was at a point in time when Lyric was first born and I was trying to make some assemblance of a family with this fucked up boy. Anyway, when i found the card i wanted to tear it up. Instead i got an envelope, addressed it to Will, stuffed the card in it and on the flap wrote, "I dont want this anymore," and sent it on its merry way with the postman. Point is, I'm done with it. I've been done with him and now i am done with his mother as well. There is absolutely no reason i have to associate with her. She aids and abeds him in is irresponsibilty and I wont let her get away with being a coward anymore. I will not try to keep the peace. I will yell at you if you piss me off and i will let you know if you have wronged me. Dont talk down to me or tell me what i will do.
Lyric came home. We got her almost all of the studio Ghibli anime films. Totoro, Kiki's delivery service, Spirited Away, havent gotten Castle in the sky yet. God blessed us and gave me Saturday and Sunday off due to the almost impending doom of hurricane Dennis, so we went downtown and walked around with Lyric showing her different shops and things. We havent done that in AGES. We went into this obnoxious toy shop and i bought her a little duck that swims. (Lyric has always like rubber ducky and/pr duck stuff.) Then we went over to aquarium of the americas. we went to see how much it was to get in and the signs said $16/adult $9.50/child . I was so disappointed that it would cost so much and to make it worse Lyric kept telling me that we needed to go find the aquarium so she could see the sharks. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to hear a 3 year old say something like that and you cant afford to deliver? Well, i decided to put it on credit and take her anyway and figure it out later. We went to window and I, very weakly, told the woman we needed 2 adults and a child. She looked at me and said, "Six dollars."
"Excuse me?"
"Six dollars."
"Six dollars more?"
"No," she flashes me a little coupon book, smiles slyly, and repeats,"the total is six dollars."
Holy crap! Literally! The lord walked with us saturday through the aquarium. We then decided since we had spent almost nothing on the aquarium, to go to see Howl's Moving Castle. Another studio Ghibli cartoon. (Will eventually get it on dvd or vhs, for Lyric of course ) It really was a great day, a geat weekend really.
I'm pretty happy and resolved at this point in time. Thanks for listening.
I received alot of offers to talk whenever needed and i really wish i could but i am not really able to verbalize how i feel about that stuff or anything else personal for that matter. Its an extremely difficult thing for me to express how i feel and/or am hurt with regards to personal matters. Even with the people i am closest with, i am unable to express emotion outwardly unless it is anger. I save despondency for closed doors and closet walls.
Honestly, i am a little embarassed by the last entry. I seemed to be a raving lunatic however, i needed to get that stuff out. i needed to stop saying it all in my head and under my breath through tears. It was driving me mad that morning and if i hadnt got it out i mightv'e driven to my mother's house. lets leave it at, "i mightv'e driven to my mother's house."
Turns out, my mother is stupid. She called me on Friday and just couldnt understand why i had gotten so upset with her. I tried to explain it to her and she says, "Well, thats all you had to say in the first place." Funny thing is, I DID SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I tried to explain circumstances to her several times and the conversation went nowhere. And in the end, as always, I'm the irrational one. Just ask her. She explain it to you between nodding off and spilling her coffee on her lap.
Anyway.
I figure since i have quit smoking, and trust me i will NEVER go back, I know that i CANT just have one or just have one drag, I am D O N E with nicotine, that i will be saving about $3-$4 per day. Thats around $90/month, and that will have to go towards the additional cost of daycare. I am done crying about any of this money shit. I will do this. I will do this well and her father will not win because i will prove unequivocally that we do not need him.
I have also decided that i am dont holding my tongue on anything. While cleaning the apartment the other day i found a card that Lyrics father, WILLIAM DAVID TANNER, 2427 PARK PLACE DR, GRETNA LA 70056, ( just in case anyone reading decides to go on a murderous rampage anywhere in the area ), it had a little guy sort of figure on the front holding a book snd the caption read, "Let me tell you a story about the perfect mother..." and when you open the inside it says, "There was you. The end." He had also taken a picture of me lying in the grass and put some photoshop filter on it, probably color pencil or something, and wrote, "I know the trials of life can get us both down. You take very good care of Lyric and me. Love Always, Will." This was at a point in time when Lyric was first born and I was trying to make some assemblance of a family with this fucked up boy. Anyway, when i found the card i wanted to tear it up. Instead i got an envelope, addressed it to Will, stuffed the card in it and on the flap wrote, "I dont want this anymore," and sent it on its merry way with the postman. Point is, I'm done with it. I've been done with him and now i am done with his mother as well. There is absolutely no reason i have to associate with her. She aids and abeds him in is irresponsibilty and I wont let her get away with being a coward anymore. I will not try to keep the peace. I will yell at you if you piss me off and i will let you know if you have wronged me. Dont talk down to me or tell me what i will do.
Lyric came home. We got her almost all of the studio Ghibli anime films. Totoro, Kiki's delivery service, Spirited Away, havent gotten Castle in the sky yet. God blessed us and gave me Saturday and Sunday off due to the almost impending doom of hurricane Dennis, so we went downtown and walked around with Lyric showing her different shops and things. We havent done that in AGES. We went into this obnoxious toy shop and i bought her a little duck that swims. (Lyric has always like rubber ducky and/pr duck stuff.) Then we went over to aquarium of the americas. we went to see how much it was to get in and the signs said $16/adult $9.50/child . I was so disappointed that it would cost so much and to make it worse Lyric kept telling me that we needed to go find the aquarium so she could see the sharks. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to hear a 3 year old say something like that and you cant afford to deliver? Well, i decided to put it on credit and take her anyway and figure it out later. We went to window and I, very weakly, told the woman we needed 2 adults and a child. She looked at me and said, "Six dollars."
"Excuse me?"
"Six dollars."
"Six dollars more?"
"No," she flashes me a little coupon book, smiles slyly, and repeats,"the total is six dollars."
Holy crap! Literally! The lord walked with us saturday through the aquarium. We then decided since we had spent almost nothing on the aquarium, to go to see Howl's Moving Castle. Another studio Ghibli cartoon. (Will eventually get it on dvd or vhs, for Lyric of course ) It really was a great day, a geat weekend really.
I'm pretty happy and resolved at this point in time. Thanks for listening.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
my friend jsut came back from china where he bought pirated dvds of all of the movies for like $18, so if you want ill try to burn them to dvd for you if you need any, just lemme know