Last night my whole family fell apart...
I always knew that yeah my family was pretty fucked up but, this...this is just beyond me. Although, I think that i am so used to seeing, hearing, and experienceing dysfunction that I could barely muster a tear. I could only hold a shocked face for a moment. It was quickly followed by rational thought and reasoning. Just cold, no emotion. I'm not going to mention what has happened. I cant, i cant even say it. All i can do is think it and thats the one thing i want to stop doing. I find myself playing out this perverse scenario in my mind and it just...its nothing. I cant even bring myself to believe that this has happened. Everything around me is so surreal. I keep waiting for the whole world to crumble down around me. I tried to nap yesterday and it flooded my dreams. I tried to sleep last night and found myself taking little cat naps and eating in large quantities. Just gorging myself trying to push it all down and away. I'm really fighting it off. I'm really struggling against just throwing my hands in the air and completely letting go of my sanity. The only thing that keeps me on this plane is her. My little girl. She has the potential for a great life. She's intelligent as hell and gorgeous to boot. I cant see myself just falling off the deep end and ruining any ounce of her. I want her to know and feel that happiness and love i never experienced. I want her to feel it her whole life and never know desperation, depression, and disgust. I want to definitely make her aware of all the perverse realities of life and have her be very well rounded in her knowledge, but I never want her to experience THIS kind of pain. It all seems too much. It seems as though I have carried 5 people on my shoulders for the longest time and none of them were me. While preaching about health and morality i was smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, alot of drugs, indulging in bulemia, and playing out this little Mind Game Carnivale with every male i came in contact with. And yes i do believe that bulemia is an indulgence. Bulemics gorge themselves on every tasty treat and dinner and then vomit in order to control, not only their weight, but their lives. I saw it/see it as the only area of my life i can really control. I wont lie, I have stopped and started again several times in the last few months. I have begun smoking again, but really, who could blame me if they knew? Who could look at the details and furrow their brow at me for a puff of a smoke or a suck on a bowl of dank? I think the only reason i actually digest anything is because i smoke. Event still sometimes that doesnt even work.
Sigh
A friend of mine, the only one I've told so far, told me i should definitely write a book, it would sell millions. I told her that i dont think i could ever do it and be completely honest. There are things about me that i've never even said outloud. I could really see writing them down in a book for the whole world to read. Heh.
What now? Do i bear the burden and bottle it all up as I always do? I think i can take it...
I hope i can take it.
Just keep smiling and maybe the spirits will go away and leave this place alone.
I always knew that yeah my family was pretty fucked up but, this...this is just beyond me. Although, I think that i am so used to seeing, hearing, and experienceing dysfunction that I could barely muster a tear. I could only hold a shocked face for a moment. It was quickly followed by rational thought and reasoning. Just cold, no emotion. I'm not going to mention what has happened. I cant, i cant even say it. All i can do is think it and thats the one thing i want to stop doing. I find myself playing out this perverse scenario in my mind and it just...its nothing. I cant even bring myself to believe that this has happened. Everything around me is so surreal. I keep waiting for the whole world to crumble down around me. I tried to nap yesterday and it flooded my dreams. I tried to sleep last night and found myself taking little cat naps and eating in large quantities. Just gorging myself trying to push it all down and away. I'm really fighting it off. I'm really struggling against just throwing my hands in the air and completely letting go of my sanity. The only thing that keeps me on this plane is her. My little girl. She has the potential for a great life. She's intelligent as hell and gorgeous to boot. I cant see myself just falling off the deep end and ruining any ounce of her. I want her to know and feel that happiness and love i never experienced. I want her to feel it her whole life and never know desperation, depression, and disgust. I want to definitely make her aware of all the perverse realities of life and have her be very well rounded in her knowledge, but I never want her to experience THIS kind of pain. It all seems too much. It seems as though I have carried 5 people on my shoulders for the longest time and none of them were me. While preaching about health and morality i was smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, alot of drugs, indulging in bulemia, and playing out this little Mind Game Carnivale with every male i came in contact with. And yes i do believe that bulemia is an indulgence. Bulemics gorge themselves on every tasty treat and dinner and then vomit in order to control, not only their weight, but their lives. I saw it/see it as the only area of my life i can really control. I wont lie, I have stopped and started again several times in the last few months. I have begun smoking again, but really, who could blame me if they knew? Who could look at the details and furrow their brow at me for a puff of a smoke or a suck on a bowl of dank? I think the only reason i actually digest anything is because i smoke. Event still sometimes that doesnt even work.
Sigh
A friend of mine, the only one I've told so far, told me i should definitely write a book, it would sell millions. I told her that i dont think i could ever do it and be completely honest. There are things about me that i've never even said outloud. I could really see writing them down in a book for the whole world to read. Heh.
What now? Do i bear the burden and bottle it all up as I always do? I think i can take it...
I hope i can take it.
Just keep smiling and maybe the spirits will go away and leave this place alone.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
yeah i agree...its hard to let go and do what is best for your own life, not whats best for them.