genevieve

sometimes, i swear, justin just rubs me the wrong damn way...and he's the only person who can just irritate the fuck out of me like that. it's not even I think he's doing it on purpose, but grr if he doesn't burn me up. its stupid too. just stupid little things about him that are grinding on my nerves.

i think maybe i'm a little lonely. I suppose its my own damn fault. being so reclusive. i dont like meeting new people, and most of the new people I meet are just disappointments on a personal level. In a way I've exiled myself into this little niche. well two or three, really...and there's no crossing the lines i've drawn for myself. sometimes there is no ignoring your emotions anymore...no matter how long you attempt to sustain numbness...fearlessness...faith....

i've answered quite a few quizzes today...emails, bulletines, and such. And I kept coming across the question, "What do you fear?" Most of all, I fear Hell. I know many people in this world don't. Many don't even have a beliefe system. And I know its a bit mind boggling to look at me and think that I actually carry around this guilt for my actions and fear of the consequences. The actual fear that God will not forgive me. That he keeps a special eye on me, making me more accountable for my actions than others. seems a bit schizophrenic, no? Delusions of grandeur causing paranoia and guilt. Funny how the moment I begin to question it, I fear Hell more, fearing I've lost my faith.

Its late. I miss extensive emotional connections with mankind. Though, that feeling was quite scarce to me, I miss it none the less.