gen05

There are these periods of my life when I realize how alone I am, that I have been dating these people, seeing these nice enough people who aren't it. 'It' being who the fuck knows what. My Mum says she dated people just for the hell of it till she found Dad, that I take it too seriously, that we as a generation take it all too seriously. She's probably right but I'm not sure how to be any other way than what I am. I seem to have this habit of losing people, chasing important people away. I know everyone has exes and they can hardly ever see each other, let alone be friends afterwards but I had that. I was friends with my first love for years after we hooked up and I took forever to figure out that he'd never love me back, that he was in fact still in love with his ex girlfriend who in turn was never going to love him back either. I hung onto the pain of that for years, I didn't know I carried it with me, I just continued to be angry at him, my friend, at stupid little things, any excuse to blame him for being a bad friend, when really I was the bad friend. He forgave me so many times for being an ass to him and yet I could never forgive him for not loving me back. And this last time, this last shitty thing I said to him... I guess it finally cracked him, or at least zapped him from wanting to forgive me yet again. So now he's gone. I think about calling him but as much as I want him around, I feel like he's probably happier without me and my bullshit drama.

I'm a selfish person. We deserve to be alone and wallow in our own selfish self-pity.