I am the king of self infliction
Well kiddos, this is it. I've finally come the end of my rope. I've come to the point where I've realized that I've attached myself to too many things, tried to do too much. And yet, it does nothing to alleviate this emptiness inside of me.
I'm seeing too many friends drift away at best, and turn into enemies at worst. I'm watching the things I've involved myself with moving past me, wondering if I'll ever be able to catch up. Wondering if there's any point at all in even trying to salvage what I can, or whether to just let everything and everyone pass me by.
I think the problem is that I'm trying too hard to keep my head above water. Trying too hard to be what I think everyone wants and needs from 3000 miles away. And letting the things I should ignore occupy too much of my life. Letting what others do and say and want affect me far more than I should.
And it's burning me out. I feel like broken glass in a blender. I wake up feeling like my head's in a vice every morning from grinding my teeth while I sleep. I'm violent by nature, and every day it's becoming harder to control. The littlest things sending me into a twitching rage, sick to my stomach at what I've become.
I've taken on far more than I should have, and now I've got to cut it all away. Pare my life down to the bare minimum necessary to make it through the day.
No more books, no more music or movies. No more stimuli that do not come from inside of me. Eat, sleep, and batter my body in the gym every day until I cannot move. Take control of myself again. Burn out all these feelings, burn away all of what I am right now.
I don't expect all of you to understand all of this, and I won't bore you with further rambling or detail. This is no one's fault but my own. As Rollins said, "I am the king of self infliction."
This will be one of my last posts for a while. Over the next week, I'll be finishing up what I can, and tying up any loose ends I can do from here. I'll apologize in advance for any birthdays I might miss, and offer a wish for happy holidays for everyone a bit early. Everything that I've said I'd do before New Years, I'll be trying to finish before the month is out.
And if I end up losing contact with anybody, or losing a way to re-establish contact once I've gotten my head where it needs to be, it's been an honor, a privilege and a pleasure to know all of you. All of my accounts will still be open, and I'll try to look in every couple of weeks or so.
I'll see you all again, sometime next year.
Aber jetzt muss ich allein laufen
Well kiddos, this is it. I've finally come the end of my rope. I've come to the point where I've realized that I've attached myself to too many things, tried to do too much. And yet, it does nothing to alleviate this emptiness inside of me.
I'm seeing too many friends drift away at best, and turn into enemies at worst. I'm watching the things I've involved myself with moving past me, wondering if I'll ever be able to catch up. Wondering if there's any point at all in even trying to salvage what I can, or whether to just let everything and everyone pass me by.
I think the problem is that I'm trying too hard to keep my head above water. Trying too hard to be what I think everyone wants and needs from 3000 miles away. And letting the things I should ignore occupy too much of my life. Letting what others do and say and want affect me far more than I should.
And it's burning me out. I feel like broken glass in a blender. I wake up feeling like my head's in a vice every morning from grinding my teeth while I sleep. I'm violent by nature, and every day it's becoming harder to control. The littlest things sending me into a twitching rage, sick to my stomach at what I've become.
I've taken on far more than I should have, and now I've got to cut it all away. Pare my life down to the bare minimum necessary to make it through the day.
No more books, no more music or movies. No more stimuli that do not come from inside of me. Eat, sleep, and batter my body in the gym every day until I cannot move. Take control of myself again. Burn out all these feelings, burn away all of what I am right now.
I don't expect all of you to understand all of this, and I won't bore you with further rambling or detail. This is no one's fault but my own. As Rollins said, "I am the king of self infliction."
This will be one of my last posts for a while. Over the next week, I'll be finishing up what I can, and tying up any loose ends I can do from here. I'll apologize in advance for any birthdays I might miss, and offer a wish for happy holidays for everyone a bit early. Everything that I've said I'd do before New Years, I'll be trying to finish before the month is out.
And if I end up losing contact with anybody, or losing a way to re-establish contact once I've gotten my head where it needs to be, it's been an honor, a privilege and a pleasure to know all of you. All of my accounts will still be open, and I'll try to look in every couple of weeks or so.
I'll see you all again, sometime next year.
Aber jetzt muss ich allein laufen
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I know we will keep talking.
Plus I need to see you on webcam all dressed up
just remember, some friends aren't there all the time. they're just there when you need em to be.
you take care of yourself and yours.
as for putting it all down. be careful with that. maintain some kind of balance.
see you when we see you.
v