I had dinner with my new house mates last night (I'm moving in there in 10 days time), and it was quite nice to get to know them all a bit more. We had super-garlicy garlic bread, followed by lasagna and then cake for desert. It was all very yum, even though I didn't eat very much because my tummy has been a bit sore lately (maybe a bit of a bug, but that's something I don't want to think too much about).
I think my new house mates are nice, but they all seem quite... I'm going to call it 'emotionally mature', which is something I don't think I am (so I'm kinda surprised out of all the people they interviewed that they picked me to move in). I'd define emotionally mature as having a solid, strong, big personality where you're quite sure of yourself, and a lot of experience dealing with and interacting with other people. I'm always impressed/intimidated by people like that, because for me, I think it's quite hard to maintain my personality sometimes when I'm around other people. I'm not saying that I fade into the background, but I know that my personality will change based on the people I'm around at the time, and I'm never certain exactly how to interact with them. It always feels new, like I'm covering uncertain ground... Or more like I'm participating in a sport that everybody else knows how to play 'cause they've been playing for ages, but I'm bumbling along, still trying to figure it out. And then when I've got the ball, i.e. am the centre of attention in whatever social situation, I freak out a little bit sometimes because I don't know what's going on, and I'm probably going make a wrong move, and everyone's going to notice and be thinking behind their smirks and grins that yup, this guy doesn't know the rules at all. I'm not saying I have a misanthropic view of other people (although I have been tempted to join the misanthrope group lately), 'cause it's not always malicious, but I just feel that people can often see me for what I am, which is this stay-at-home, timid, immature kid (and fuck, I'm 32, but I so feel like a kid sometimes).
And for a bit of armchair self-analysis, it makes sense that I'm like that. Growing up, I went to a different school every year, sometimes more than one school per year (I've honestly lost count, but including high school and uni, I know I've been to at least 15 different schools, maybe 16 or 17). ***Note to parents, prospective parents, etc - don't move your kids around that much, it will seriously fuck them up!*** At every school I had to somehow make new friends, and I'd usually hang out with the loser kids 'cause they were less threatening, but then after 6 months or a year, it was off to a new city, country, whatever, to do the whole thing all over again.
And after a while I just gave up. I don't know when, but I started to think what's the point of making friends, they're all interchangeable, there's no point to making lasting relationships. So as a kid I stopped trying, and I think that now as an adult I'm paying for it. I honestly have no idea how people become friends. If you stop and think about it, it is kinda hard to answer, but you'd probably just *know*, even if you can't explain it. For me, I'm clueless. I'm stupid at making and maintaining friendships and constantly feel out of my depth when it comes to dealing with people. I look at people who can relate and connect and whatever with each other and I'm always thinking that I missed out on getting the instruction manual.
And so, getting back from the tangent I went off on, I'm a bit nervous about moving into my new place and being able to emotionally 'keep up' with my new house mates. I know it could potentially be good for me 'cause I could certainly do with more experience, and it could be one of those challenge/rewarding things, but I'm also kinda scared too. I'm putting myself into a position where if I drop the ball, make a wrong move, these people will be thinking 'What have we done? Why the hell did we pick this guy to move it? He's an idiot.' Okay, they're probably too nice to think that, but that's definitely what I'll be thinking.
I think my new house mates are nice, but they all seem quite... I'm going to call it 'emotionally mature', which is something I don't think I am (so I'm kinda surprised out of all the people they interviewed that they picked me to move in). I'd define emotionally mature as having a solid, strong, big personality where you're quite sure of yourself, and a lot of experience dealing with and interacting with other people. I'm always impressed/intimidated by people like that, because for me, I think it's quite hard to maintain my personality sometimes when I'm around other people. I'm not saying that I fade into the background, but I know that my personality will change based on the people I'm around at the time, and I'm never certain exactly how to interact with them. It always feels new, like I'm covering uncertain ground... Or more like I'm participating in a sport that everybody else knows how to play 'cause they've been playing for ages, but I'm bumbling along, still trying to figure it out. And then when I've got the ball, i.e. am the centre of attention in whatever social situation, I freak out a little bit sometimes because I don't know what's going on, and I'm probably going make a wrong move, and everyone's going to notice and be thinking behind their smirks and grins that yup, this guy doesn't know the rules at all. I'm not saying I have a misanthropic view of other people (although I have been tempted to join the misanthrope group lately), 'cause it's not always malicious, but I just feel that people can often see me for what I am, which is this stay-at-home, timid, immature kid (and fuck, I'm 32, but I so feel like a kid sometimes).
And for a bit of armchair self-analysis, it makes sense that I'm like that. Growing up, I went to a different school every year, sometimes more than one school per year (I've honestly lost count, but including high school and uni, I know I've been to at least 15 different schools, maybe 16 or 17). ***Note to parents, prospective parents, etc - don't move your kids around that much, it will seriously fuck them up!*** At every school I had to somehow make new friends, and I'd usually hang out with the loser kids 'cause they were less threatening, but then after 6 months or a year, it was off to a new city, country, whatever, to do the whole thing all over again.
And after a while I just gave up. I don't know when, but I started to think what's the point of making friends, they're all interchangeable, there's no point to making lasting relationships. So as a kid I stopped trying, and I think that now as an adult I'm paying for it. I honestly have no idea how people become friends. If you stop and think about it, it is kinda hard to answer, but you'd probably just *know*, even if you can't explain it. For me, I'm clueless. I'm stupid at making and maintaining friendships and constantly feel out of my depth when it comes to dealing with people. I look at people who can relate and connect and whatever with each other and I'm always thinking that I missed out on getting the instruction manual.
And so, getting back from the tangent I went off on, I'm a bit nervous about moving into my new place and being able to emotionally 'keep up' with my new house mates. I know it could potentially be good for me 'cause I could certainly do with more experience, and it could be one of those challenge/rewarding things, but I'm also kinda scared too. I'm putting myself into a position where if I drop the ball, make a wrong move, these people will be thinking 'What have we done? Why the hell did we pick this guy to move it? He's an idiot.' Okay, they're probably too nice to think that, but that's definitely what I'll be thinking.