Attempting to maintain balance
I talked to my manager with some candor today, if not as much as i would have liked, and decided to wait a bit before making any rash decision about quiting my job. I am only working part time as it is. If cannot discipline my self to shoulder the annoyance of some boorish behavior by some mid-level managers for life, I am in need of more humility. Not to be dis empowered by sure pettiness of course either. The option to leave will always remain, no need to cross that bridge so impetuously as I may have in the past. I am not a kid any more, and I have born the weight of much less acceptable levels of incompetence before. I have a lot on going on in the next month with adding another distraction unnecessarily.
I am going to the school again tomorrow to continue jumping through hoops to get back in class this fall. Hopefully the counselor i need to see will be there. I admit am not looking forward to wading though the bureaucracy. It is more appealing the prospects of not growing and stepping out of this mire of meritocracy I seem to have let me self be trapped in for to long. I do not presume to achieve any real note academically. I do need to step over the lines society has drawn in the sand. I know they are really meaningless but with out making the gesture I will be handicapping my ability to contribute some of merit to the continuity of human history no matter how minor.
I also had a very potent reminder of my own physical limitations after i pulled my shoulder last sunday. The humbling since of my limitation coupled with the unavoidable grasp of entropy prods me to pursue with more vigor a means of maintaining my needs more effectively. I have never had much concern for working more then to sustain my self. Often though a blend of social and physical labor. Precluding those opportunities I have often lived on less. I do not take charity well, my own childhood was riddled with petty quid par quo games of never giving me things with out holding it against me last to pressure me to her inclinations. She seemed to think it was a valid means of handling the duties of motherhood. In retrospect I can understand the scrambling to use whatever leverage she could to get things done. The world is harsh place, the idea that nothing is free, and everything has a cost of potent concepts. She would not say that is what she was trying to do, but actions, especially to children have far more weight then the words that accompany them. The lessons of needing to barder your way though life is not with out merit. Coming from ones mother with consistent frequency, it acts to tempter the spirit of altruism however. I learned the importance of the dependency that comes with gifts and boons. The implied debt to the giver of the gift. I became weary early in my life to unsolicited indulgences. Knowing that most likely the giver would if not then, at some future time require some compensation, ofter far exceeding the value of the gift received. While there is neither nothing wrong with "returning" the favor, mush as you learn to identify and steer clear of salesmen resiting there pitch, I became of charity. A gift given as a token of admiration, respect, or love is praise worthy. Much like that sleazy guy offering to buy you a drink at the end of the bar, you can sense the attempts and coheresion. The intent to control you. If you are welcome to the trade, no harm done, but there sit lingers that danger when let others impact there control on you.
My family are a stuborn people, and I resented the controlling nature of most charity. Thus i grow to avoid it, preferring ofter hardships to the veil of implied debt. I grow to accept aid and help from friends i had learned to trust over the years as i have grown up, but I have always maintained an aversion to the indebted nature of not providing for yourself.
This bringing me to my point, that i do not find it acceptable to depend on others if i have it in my power to provide for myself. Tactically I cannot sustain my life plan i have pursued some what actively mostly passively continuously. I need to focus on providing form myself more from my social, intellectual, and experiences rather then those with a stronger physical requirement. Inheritable these pursuits typically come with my lucrative rewards. Not merely in coin, but in the social acolytes i find myself developing more taste for as I age. I am desiring the empowerment that comes from challenging ones self in an arena that matters
I talked to my manager with some candor today, if not as much as i would have liked, and decided to wait a bit before making any rash decision about quiting my job. I am only working part time as it is. If cannot discipline my self to shoulder the annoyance of some boorish behavior by some mid-level managers for life, I am in need of more humility. Not to be dis empowered by sure pettiness of course either. The option to leave will always remain, no need to cross that bridge so impetuously as I may have in the past. I am not a kid any more, and I have born the weight of much less acceptable levels of incompetence before. I have a lot on going on in the next month with adding another distraction unnecessarily.
I am going to the school again tomorrow to continue jumping through hoops to get back in class this fall. Hopefully the counselor i need to see will be there. I admit am not looking forward to wading though the bureaucracy. It is more appealing the prospects of not growing and stepping out of this mire of meritocracy I seem to have let me self be trapped in for to long. I do not presume to achieve any real note academically. I do need to step over the lines society has drawn in the sand. I know they are really meaningless but with out making the gesture I will be handicapping my ability to contribute some of merit to the continuity of human history no matter how minor.
I also had a very potent reminder of my own physical limitations after i pulled my shoulder last sunday. The humbling since of my limitation coupled with the unavoidable grasp of entropy prods me to pursue with more vigor a means of maintaining my needs more effectively. I have never had much concern for working more then to sustain my self. Often though a blend of social and physical labor. Precluding those opportunities I have often lived on less. I do not take charity well, my own childhood was riddled with petty quid par quo games of never giving me things with out holding it against me last to pressure me to her inclinations. She seemed to think it was a valid means of handling the duties of motherhood. In retrospect I can understand the scrambling to use whatever leverage she could to get things done. The world is harsh place, the idea that nothing is free, and everything has a cost of potent concepts. She would not say that is what she was trying to do, but actions, especially to children have far more weight then the words that accompany them. The lessons of needing to barder your way though life is not with out merit. Coming from ones mother with consistent frequency, it acts to tempter the spirit of altruism however. I learned the importance of the dependency that comes with gifts and boons. The implied debt to the giver of the gift. I became weary early in my life to unsolicited indulgences. Knowing that most likely the giver would if not then, at some future time require some compensation, ofter far exceeding the value of the gift received. While there is neither nothing wrong with "returning" the favor, mush as you learn to identify and steer clear of salesmen resiting there pitch, I became of charity. A gift given as a token of admiration, respect, or love is praise worthy. Much like that sleazy guy offering to buy you a drink at the end of the bar, you can sense the attempts and coheresion. The intent to control you. If you are welcome to the trade, no harm done, but there sit lingers that danger when let others impact there control on you.
My family are a stuborn people, and I resented the controlling nature of most charity. Thus i grow to avoid it, preferring ofter hardships to the veil of implied debt. I grow to accept aid and help from friends i had learned to trust over the years as i have grown up, but I have always maintained an aversion to the indebted nature of not providing for yourself.
This bringing me to my point, that i do not find it acceptable to depend on others if i have it in my power to provide for myself. Tactically I cannot sustain my life plan i have pursued some what actively mostly passively continuously. I need to focus on providing form myself more from my social, intellectual, and experiences rather then those with a stronger physical requirement. Inheritable these pursuits typically come with my lucrative rewards. Not merely in coin, but in the social acolytes i find myself developing more taste for as I age. I am desiring the empowerment that comes from challenging ones self in an arena that matters