Up late again, angst keeping the stupefying calm of sleep out of reach. I feel like I am in middle school again for the amount of a social life I have any more. I need for the picture to be compete is for me to not have any facial hair while I sit and read 1-2 full novels a night never leaving my room. Well when i pay my library fine tomorrow before work I can get the books i need. Then if I shave I will be full circle to me 10 years ago or so.
I am sitting alone in my room(big surprise) in the dark listening to death cab for cutie, glad it is not the weakerthans or I would be good and depressed...though they are sounding like a good next choice.
I am just trying to wear my self out mentally and emotionally to match the tired limbs that pass for my meat shell atm. Then I can pass into some listless slumber until I am compelled to another 10 hour day of work. I know I should work on some thing rewarding. Either some of my writing, study something, or at least lose my self in some distraction. I seem to short a muse though. While most of the time I am fairly self driven. I am not terribly ambitious. Trying to be in balance with life around me, and live at peace with myself I shed most of my angst. However lately I think I need to hone a much more sharp ambition. I am tired of not having much despite working hard most of the time. I relieve that the double edge sword of being a none materialist is not having much. I guess I replaced things with people and now I do not have any one to inspire me. I relieve how truely poor I have become. I do not need to get more money per say, but rather need to be more demanding of what I expect of life..to force me to do more of what i am sure I want to do, but am trying to be to humble to demand from life. Not to say i do not demand much of myself I always push my self hard, however I need to work smarter not harder. To being happy with the surrounding of my current life.
Life is not just lived in goals down the road..but more in what our daily life is made up of. I still have some worthwhile people in my life...I just never see them. All things follow the path of least resistance. I need to make it easier for the things in life I find to be worth while to be easier to access in my daily life so I do not feel like some much of a shell. To remember what it is to be human, not the autonomic I have become that brings room service.
I am sitting alone in my room(big surprise) in the dark listening to death cab for cutie, glad it is not the weakerthans or I would be good and depressed...though they are sounding like a good next choice.
I am just trying to wear my self out mentally and emotionally to match the tired limbs that pass for my meat shell atm. Then I can pass into some listless slumber until I am compelled to another 10 hour day of work. I know I should work on some thing rewarding. Either some of my writing, study something, or at least lose my self in some distraction. I seem to short a muse though. While most of the time I am fairly self driven. I am not terribly ambitious. Trying to be in balance with life around me, and live at peace with myself I shed most of my angst. However lately I think I need to hone a much more sharp ambition. I am tired of not having much despite working hard most of the time. I relieve that the double edge sword of being a none materialist is not having much. I guess I replaced things with people and now I do not have any one to inspire me. I relieve how truely poor I have become. I do not need to get more money per say, but rather need to be more demanding of what I expect of life..to force me to do more of what i am sure I want to do, but am trying to be to humble to demand from life. Not to say i do not demand much of myself I always push my self hard, however I need to work smarter not harder. To being happy with the surrounding of my current life.
Life is not just lived in goals down the road..but more in what our daily life is made up of. I still have some worthwhile people in my life...I just never see them. All things follow the path of least resistance. I need to make it easier for the things in life I find to be worth while to be easier to access in my daily life so I do not feel like some much of a shell. To remember what it is to be human, not the autonomic I have become that brings room service.