A little something about me. Growing up I wasnt allowed, by this great state, to visit my father. Well, not without supervision. So, my summers were spent with my grand parents at their house in Macedonia and my dad would spend every day before and after work out there with me. It was great. They had a huge 15 acre forest in their backyard that I would go get lost in and play in trees and sometimes scare myself with my imagination. Great times. Some of, if not most, of my fondest memories of a young child are from being there. I never cared to ask all the reasons and whys of how it all came to be. Right or wrong and whatever happened thats just the way it was. And by the time I was old enough to grasp such trivial bullshit and the ins and outs of love my mom and dad had a good relationship and aside from the occasional spat they never argued or disagreed about much pertaining to me so I let it be.
Now Im all grown up and I work so much that I never even think about anything anymore. I dont get to see anyone or hangout with anyone unless they live within 20 miles of me without it having to be a big ordeal. Over the years my mom and my papaw that I spent my summers with have passed. Ive taken on work like it is my sole responsibility in life. I sometimes wonder if it isnt the ONLY thing I get any joy from in my life at the moment. I dont know. Sometimes at work its like Im just there filling up space and time and waiting for the moments when they really need me. The times where if Im not there than everything just falls to shit and nothing works and nobody knows what to do about it. Its almost addictive to be there in those times because I thrive on it I think. I was like that in the Marines too. I dont know why. Its just me.
I surround myself with people that only have continual temporary needs for me. Whatever they may be. And I do my job and everyone is happy and until next time thats it. And those things and people Ive attracted over the years have taken up so much of my time that I dont really get to see much of my family. Its my fault. I sit here trying to come up with ways to please other people that, for the most part, dont really have that much room for me in their lives. Sometimes I just dont have anyone to talk to. I mean, Ive got tons of people to talk to just not about anything that means anything. And the ones that I can physically talk to about stuff like that, I just cant, emotionally or mentally. All the people I want to talk to, just dont want to hear or dont have the time to hear it or take everything wrong and if messes everything up. So here I sit typing, at my 86 wpm with the occasional error because sometimes my fingers are too fast for my brain, and getting things out.
And I feel like I missed out because of it all. I mean, I havent even been down to Memaws house to show off my new truck or show her all the pictures I have from all the work Ive done. Papaw was a big carpenter in his offtime. He was constantly building stuff for her. I know she would be proud to see all the things Ive built over the years.
So today, while, of course, I was at work I missed a call from my dad and I didnt even need to listen to the message to know what happened. Her heart just stopped. It was two years last month on Valentines day that Papaw passed away and I cant believe that she lived as long as she did after him. There cant be another couple that were constantly more in love than they were. They truly adored eachother every single day. People dont respect eachother enough nowadays to love like that. It just doesnt happen. Too many selfish people. Im off to be by my fathers side and drive to W.Va. with him. Sometimes I get angry because I dont cry. That sounds weird. I dont though. Sometimes I get sick of the mindset that I always have to be strong for the other people around me. One of my coworkers said it to me when I was giving him a ride home today. "You dont have to be strong for me man, Im not gonna make fun of you if you cry". I wish I could find a girl that was just as strong because sometimes I need someone to lean on too.
Ive got this new Jack Johnson cd and its absolutely wonderful. The sound of that mans voice makes me think Im supposed to be with a girl that doesnt have time for me or the fun we used to have.
Now Im all grown up and I work so much that I never even think about anything anymore. I dont get to see anyone or hangout with anyone unless they live within 20 miles of me without it having to be a big ordeal. Over the years my mom and my papaw that I spent my summers with have passed. Ive taken on work like it is my sole responsibility in life. I sometimes wonder if it isnt the ONLY thing I get any joy from in my life at the moment. I dont know. Sometimes at work its like Im just there filling up space and time and waiting for the moments when they really need me. The times where if Im not there than everything just falls to shit and nothing works and nobody knows what to do about it. Its almost addictive to be there in those times because I thrive on it I think. I was like that in the Marines too. I dont know why. Its just me.
I surround myself with people that only have continual temporary needs for me. Whatever they may be. And I do my job and everyone is happy and until next time thats it. And those things and people Ive attracted over the years have taken up so much of my time that I dont really get to see much of my family. Its my fault. I sit here trying to come up with ways to please other people that, for the most part, dont really have that much room for me in their lives. Sometimes I just dont have anyone to talk to. I mean, Ive got tons of people to talk to just not about anything that means anything. And the ones that I can physically talk to about stuff like that, I just cant, emotionally or mentally. All the people I want to talk to, just dont want to hear or dont have the time to hear it or take everything wrong and if messes everything up. So here I sit typing, at my 86 wpm with the occasional error because sometimes my fingers are too fast for my brain, and getting things out.
And I feel like I missed out because of it all. I mean, I havent even been down to Memaws house to show off my new truck or show her all the pictures I have from all the work Ive done. Papaw was a big carpenter in his offtime. He was constantly building stuff for her. I know she would be proud to see all the things Ive built over the years.
So today, while, of course, I was at work I missed a call from my dad and I didnt even need to listen to the message to know what happened. Her heart just stopped. It was two years last month on Valentines day that Papaw passed away and I cant believe that she lived as long as she did after him. There cant be another couple that were constantly more in love than they were. They truly adored eachother every single day. People dont respect eachother enough nowadays to love like that. It just doesnt happen. Too many selfish people. Im off to be by my fathers side and drive to W.Va. with him. Sometimes I get angry because I dont cry. That sounds weird. I dont though. Sometimes I get sick of the mindset that I always have to be strong for the other people around me. One of my coworkers said it to me when I was giving him a ride home today. "You dont have to be strong for me man, Im not gonna make fun of you if you cry". I wish I could find a girl that was just as strong because sometimes I need someone to lean on too.
Ive got this new Jack Johnson cd and its absolutely wonderful. The sound of that mans voice makes me think Im supposed to be with a girl that doesnt have time for me or the fun we used to have.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
trickynicki:
I hope you're doing well, you can still get in touch with me anytime if you wanna talk or bitch or just shoot the shit. Who the hell came up with that saying anyways? Weird. Anyways, missed you last night, things aren't the same when you aren't around 
devilsreject:
You know, every time i get an answer like that out of you, i realize that you are a much deeper person than i ever realized to begin with, and that our perspectives match in a lot of ways.