gdon

This is truth. This is life. If you dont like whats written here keep your chide comments to yourself because Im not in the mood. Im probably doing the worst Ive ever been right now, at this moment in time 8:09pm. Im pretty irritated with just a lot of things today. Mainly myself. I have so much running through my head and nowhere to put it so some of it will be puked out in the form of letters that may or may not form a coherent thought pattern. I havent decided yet.

Hmmm......it all started last week I guess. Apparantly, I am not allowed to touch, or even think about touching, anything without it just falling to shit. In my hands.

Mainly work. I love work. You know why? Its the only thing that misses me when Im gone. Truly, it hurts without me so it gives me purpose.

But, there hasnt been a single job Ive worked on this past week that I didnt personally fuck up with my own hands. And when work goes bad, my whole mind goes with it. I become paranoid and Im convinced that everyone is out to hurt me or manipulate me in one way or another. Why does that happen? I dont know. Probably because I dont have anything else in my life. At all.

You know what causes it all? I try too hard. And then I fuck up. I cant just let anything be. I have to fix it or do it better or make it nicer. And i try and try and try and I fuck and fuck up. And I fuck up. Everything.

I wonder if I just dont deal with failure well. I dont know. I fail miserably at friendships and relationships, I might as well fail miserably at work. I wonder where that comes from. Is it a trait you inherit or something ingrained in you as a child? I dont know. But my last evaluation said that I needed to realize that mistakes happen.

So, after that super duper shittastic week of work, I figured, hey, Ill go down to Columbus, visit some friends, have fun, fugghedaboudit. Yeah, forget about it was right. Here was the plan: go down to my buddy Bobs drink some beers and get some food and play some video games before heading out to go bowling. Drink more beer, hang out with more friends, have a better time than I would be able to remember, maybe catch the ufc fights and fall into a coma somewhere as the sun comes up. The next day would be more fun and hanging out and hopefully food. Ya wanna know what really happened?

I got down to Columbus later than I wanted because of work. I got to Bobs and there were no parking spots in front of his condo so I had to park in the visitor overflow lot. That translates into far away. Whatever. I get there and some chic I dont know is hangin out on the couch. Little did I know Bobs new girlfriend, or fuckbuddy, or whatever, was there. Not that it matters, just wouldve been nice to know I guess. This translates into: Im not gonna be myself tonight because I want to impress this chic so I can bang her. And all that is just fancy wording for not as much beer being consumed and absolutely NO video gamage. Whatever. Bowling.

Walk in. Bar under construction. No Tikki. No nobody. I imagine there werent enough sgs offering to run around half naked and make out with eachother for attention so people didnt bother with it. And if the sg columbus clique doesnt dub something cool, well, its not. The community on this site isnt much of how it was explained to me. Unless youre pretty or your close with the "in" crowd. Everyone else gets laughed at behind their backs. If you think Im wrong, open your ears at the next event. This has become nothing more than a fucking popularity contest. Just like high school. And that doesnt apply to everyone. There are some cool memebers and their are some cool ass sgs that will hang out just to hang out and not worry about being cool or being the center of attention all the time.

I call others to see where they are. I drink. I text. I drink. Others show up and stand around and decide they want to go to Vanity. I didnt drive. Do you think Bob would want to go to a strip club with this new girl that hasnt shut the fuck up since I met her. Its one thing to be nervous and talk a lot around new people but FUCK. Hell no he doesnt want to go! He doesnt want to do anything. I know what he wants to do actually, but he coulda said so ahead of time and I wouldnt have drank so much and wouldve driven my own happy ass around. But, I was too drunk to drive and needed to sit and wait. By the time I felt sober enough to drive safely, I was so pissed off that I didnt want to do anything, and I didnt feel like trying to find Vanity. I texted Copper to see if she was out and wanted to hang out but that was a bust too. Finally at something like 3am, I decided to drive the fuck home. I didnt listen to the stereo the whole way.

I slept most of yesterday. I thought about commiting myself.

Today at work. My boss told me I look like Im not there and asked if everything was ok. I said no.

I couldnt do the simplest thing today. Well, it wasnt elementary but it shouldntve been as hard as it was or taken me as long as it did. I feel like my head is being held in a puddle and all of my thoughts are murky water and fists full of mudd.

I left at 11 for lunch. Jameson was lunch today. I got back around 1 to find a letter for me from my boss. It said to leave at 2 and to call him on his cell. He had also crossed off my punch out for lunch and already written me out for 4pm. He called me before I called him to tell me how much he appreciated everything I do day to day and told me that things wouldnt get done around here if it werent for me. He wanted to give me a heads up that our year end evaluations are next week and he wanted to tell me that I would be well compensated for my efforts and will be receiving another raise and that will make me the highest paid employee here. I thanked him but couldnt find a lot of words. He wished me a happy new year and I wished the same for him.

Ten minutes later he called back to make sure I was alright. He said the distance in my voice unnerved him more than the look in my eyes. I told him not to worry about me and that everything would be alright. After asking again if I needed anything we hung up again. At that point, I could feel myself starting to well up and I got mad about it which made it worse. I dont let people see me cry. That is, if I cry at all.

After that, I texted Copper a bunch and ruined our friendship. Again. That is me trying to hard again and not just letting things be. Shes given me too many chances. I wont be able to get it back this time.

Back to work. That is what I want to leave. I fuck up four seperate projects and without so much as a step aside and saying it happens, they show all of this gratitude and want to give me a raise and I still want to leave. Something I love and actually loves me back and isnt afraid to show it. And I still want to leave it behind. I am so unhappy with living here though. I dont know what to do. I think I should tell them that I have plans for moving. But I want that raise. But its not like me to be so deceptive. I feel like a cheating whore that tells her boyfriend how perfect everything is and acts all happy at home when she knows shes not so she goes out and fucks guys that actually like showing her attention. I dont like Cleveland but I like my job. I dont like lying but I like money. I dont think I could do that though. Its just not me to be like that. Evaluations are next week so I have until then to decide. I think I should go into it and tell them how much I love the work but Ill just never be happy living here and we should start training someone in the shop to take my place. Either keep the raise or spread it out between the others in the shop that do a good job. I dont know. Its too much. Its such a great job. I didnt know it was affecting me so much until recently.

Resolutions:
stop being so dramatic
stop being paranoid
be more easy going and just let things happen in their own time instead of trying to force everything
lose fat but gain 20lbs of muscle like I did when I was in the Marines
read more books
seek help if I need it, whether it be through medication or sanitarium, or just fix it on my own
smile more for the people that deserve it
take some writing classes
stop making excuses for people that are assholes to me
spend more time with family
listen more instead of just hearing
make as much money as possible
get lots of tattooes
stop letting people that I dont think care about me get the best of me


its long but oh well. If you read it all. Thanks. I guess. And sorry at the same time. Have a safe and happy new year.