gangstaswan

I'm frustrated. So terribly frustrated. I'm vacillating between giving up and gritting my teeth and having one of those movie moments where the main character works out/studies/general betters himself to attain his goal.

The last week or so at work has been really stressful for everyone. Last week we had a 48-page special section to put together; it spilled over into this week. Last week I designed the two weekly products. One went smoothly, the other not so much (to the point I wanted to cry out of frustration). But we got through it, however, the coworker who got me the job kept changing my designs. It's frustrating because I work hard and put a lot of effort into what I do. I know I'm new to it and don't know all the intricacies but I don't need to be criticized for it every day.

Yesterday I started designing one of the weeklies to help out my supervisor. When I design, I generally get things on the page then firm up later after headlines have been written and the stories are done, etc. Well the coworker continually kept saying "You didn't do this. You didn't do that. You can't do this. It's not good design." OK, fine, I messed up, but can I catch a break, please?

I know she just wants the products to be the best they can but at the same time she's not the designer, I am. This is my job and my work we're talking about. I don't just slap shit on the page and say, "OK that's it. I'm not touching it again." It may take me a little longer to figure things out but I eventually realize, "Oh crap, that's missing this."

I was doing decently OK with all of the critiques until tonight. I realized I have a project running Sunday and I only have tomorrow to work on it. Great. I don't have any of the elements I need (stories, boxes, photos, etc.) so I'm just loosely placing items on the page (maybe a story here? maybe a photo there? headline over here?) and the coworker comes up behind me and says, "Don't put that story there!" Then makes a suggestion and before I can say, "OK I'll try that," has already started laying out the whole page over my shoulder ("Put that here." "Put this here"). Then she takes my sketch pad and draws it out, not once but twice.

The design is good, better than anything I would have thought up. But I don't want to use it. I'm hurt because the big boss gave me the project to work on, not the coworker. She even told me she doesn't want to design, so my question is, "Why are you?" It's frustrating because I'm trying really hard. I'm crippled because I don't know our styles and the program. If it were InDesign, I could probably do a pretty decent job. Because it's CCI, it's super strict and rigid in how it'll let you do things. There are ways to manipulate the program to gain more creative control but I don't know how to do those things yet.

I don't know what to do. I know her intent is good. I know she means well but I'm frustrated and hurting. This job is the only thing I have left. I know my family and friends love me but it's not the same. I love my job. I don't want to be upset to go to work. I know I should say something to her but what do I say? "Quit telling me what to do?" "It really hurts my feelings when you critique me so much." "Here, you design. Obviously you can do better than I can."

This whole thing really makes me question just what the hell it is I'm doing. Like, I shouldn't be designing. I shouldn't be copy editing (she'll change my headlines too). I don't know if I'd be good at writing (I'm rusty for sure). Should I even be a journalist? I just feel like I don't belong anywhere in that newsroom. And that makes me cry because journalism is the one thing that I truly love in this world.