gangstaswan

What's worse than waking up at a quarter after five in the morning? realizing you've had the pokemon theme song stuck in your head for the last hour.

I've been up for almost two hours. Not a big deal to people with normal jobs, but for me this is the middle of the night. I went to bed at 2:30 ish so that means I've had less than three hours of sleep. *sigh*

I can't stop thinking about RS, the life we had together, the life we had planned to have together. I miss everything: him (duh), the cat, his family (as crazy as they were but they were like mine so it felt familiar), hearing about his job, hanging out with his coworkers (even though they're idiots a good portion of the time), going kayaking and to the beach (even though I hate the beach I liked it because he liked it).

And now some other woman is in my place. He holds her at night and kisses her and probably scratches at her thigh while spooning. She gets to play with the cat. She'll get to be the new gf the family meets.

Koleeta came over tonight for a date. It was awesome. We watched "Knocked Up," which was probably both a good and bad idea. It made me laugh and we got to bitch about how stupid boys can be, but it also made me realize I want to be pregnant with my man beside me while I'm yelling at doctors for being stupid.

Sad thing is, I just don't think my life partner exists (I say life partner because it's someone I would share my life with, it's just something more than being a husband). I'm ready to find him, well I was. Now I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all the time, which totally interferes with work. I don't ever want to date again. I can just see myself telling any guy who even thinks of asking me out to go fuck himself.

Any time I hear a love song or see a romantic scene in a movie I think, "That's bullshit. Men don't feel that way about women. They say they do, but just so they can get laid." Fuck, I'm so bitter right now.

I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to let go and walk away. I'm so tired of people saying, "You'll get back together. You were so good for each other." It's bullshit. He found someone new. He says she makes him happy which kills me because it's like he's saying I never did. And he gets to travel with her, which I never could because I always had to work to keep myself afloat. Now I could travel, I have a great schedule and almost three weeks of paid vacation and I feel like I have no one to share these things with.

I know what you're thinking, "But Gangsta, what about the Primary?" The truth is he's six fucking hours away. I can't do long distance. Neither of us wants to move so what the fuck are we supposed to do? Who do I call in the middle of the night if I'm sick and need someone to come take care of me? Everyone is so far away. And I don't feel comfortable asking anyone to come babysit me when I'm sick during the night or even when I'm just lonely.

Gawd, I wish my aunt would just smack RS up the back side of his head and ask him just what the fuck he thinks he's doing. He had an amazing woman with a hot bod and a brilliant mind and he threw it away. I was trying to patch things up when he just decided he didn't want to see me ever again. I have to wonder if that's when he med her. Or did he meet her before we broke up in March? Is that why he was the one to suggest a break? Is that why he was so quick to end it all?

Part of me wants to know when and how he met her. What does she look like? Who is she? Why does she make him so damn happy? The majority of me doesn't even want to know she exists. Why couldn't he have just told me, "Hey, look, I don't want to hang out with you. It would be just too weird." Instead of saying that in June when I asked if we could go out for coffee, he tells me, "Coffee might be good. I won't have time for a couple weeks, but I'll let you know" (or something to that effect). Two weeks turned into two months. Admittedly I was distracted with the Primary, but I still thought about him all the f'ing time.

Then when I finally worked up the courage to ask, "Long time no talk. Still want to grab coffee?" I got, "On my way to San Diego for the weekend." Boy that answered the fucking question.

Then when I finally got frustrated with the vague answers, I asked, "Look, can you just tell me where I stand? Be honest. Don't worry about my feelings." His answer, "Look, I'm not sure what you're looking for. I've been seeing someone and between traveling with her and work, I've been real busy." Again, not quite an answer. I told him, "I'm looking to know if I stand a chance, which it looks like I don't. I want honesty when I ask if we can hang out." (There was a third part but hell if I can remember it.) The he tells me, "I have a new girlfriend I'm happy with. We could hang out, but it would be weird."

It took me being upset and three months for him to fucking just say that. That should be my first clue that he isn't good enough for me. And yet, I just can't shake it. I want to call him every day. I think about what we'd be doing at random parts of my day (like now he'd have been at work for at least half an hour and I'd be sleeping on his side of the bed because it's warmer).

Did I just suppress all this because the Primary came along and stopped the tears? I wish I had known three months ago what I know now. Why couldn't he just fucking tell me? How could he get a new girlfriend so fucking quickly? Did he ever really love me? If so how did he just fall into the arms of another woman?

Yes, I'm being unfair. I fell into the arms of another man, but with the stipulation that if RS came back, that's it, all bets are off. I think about him every day (as I've said about three times now). I'm back to crying every day.

His birthday is a week from today. I had wanted to take him to dinner but obviously that plan is out the window. I want to talk to him yet I don't because I can tell I'll just get more bullshit. Should be easy to forget him but I can't.

I think about how we almost ran off to Vegas to get married in January. If we had, I would have been home with him the night I started fucking things up. I think about how I thought I was pregnant that month (turns out antibiotics can throw everything off) and if I had been, we'd have had the baby by now and again I wouldn't have gone out that night.

I hate playing these head games with myself. I try to stop and yet the thoughts just keep coming. I don't know what to do. I really don't.