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gangstaswan

Mule Capital of the World

Member Since 2005

Followers 76 Following 72

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Wednesday Jul 25, 2007

Jul 24, 2007
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Strangely I feel restless, unhappy, nervous, like time isn't moving correctly. Something just doesn't feel right.

Maybe it's that it's so damn hot in my apartment (Did I finally adapt to the cold weather of the primary's location?!)

Maybe it's that my flight back today was delayed two hours, nearly causing me to be late to work, actually causing me to almost pass out at work because I couldn't get lunch.

Maybe it's the serious conversation I had last night rolling around in the back of my head. Maybe it's the realization that he is actually looking for "the one." And I know I'm most certainly not "the one." While he seems certain we can enjoy each other's company in the mean time, I can't help but see it almost as waste. Oh, I'm infatuated with this boy. I don't want to lose him. I cry thinking about that possibility. But at the same time, if I know I won't be his wife or the mother of his children, why continue on? Why spend the resources on someone who isn't going to pay out in the end? (I don't think that last sentence made much sense.)

I'm so incredibly grateful for the advice he gave, but I confess, I didn't understand some of it, despite my best efforts. He kept saying something about an excuse and while I kind of think I understand, I still don't fully get it. He suggested meditation. It sounds lovely, but I feel like I just don't have the time. *sigh* I just wish I could figure out my brain. I want all the answer to just be in a little book I carry around with me.

I hate that we're so far apart. I hate that I can't shake off RS. I hate that I just want to completely give up on all of it. Just hand it back (I don't know what it is) and say, "Thank you, but no. I can't do this." And just walk away.

Complete and utter props to Primary for a) staying up way past his bed time to comfort a stupid, crazy, silly, crying girl; b) not telling me I needed to be on medication c) for actually offering advice, like real advice and not just trying to give me an answer.

Maybe it's just that when I come home I have to get after my brother for turning off lights (Mr. Ivarr we'll have this talk as well, my apologies); yell at him for using the extra dead bolt (only can be opened from inside); I'm tired of him yelling at me for not cleaning (hello I work at least 9 hours a day he doesn't even have a job); I'm tired of hearing how something in the kitchen always smells. Gah!

Maybe it's that I can't go to bed right now because I had to wash my sheets. Some days, the boobs can't even make up for the problems of being a female. Grr.

Maybe it's just that I don't know what I want (other than a puppy!).
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
nementh:
Wanna get lunch on Saturday before you have to go to work?
Jul 25, 2007
nonsense:
yes, you would think so especially since 100% liable for having made the left turn into me. but, his insurance company is taking its sweet ass time.

i'm sorry things are still blar. something for you to consider (if you will): sometimes it's not even a function of whether people are "soulmates" but a function of timing in their respective lives. and, please don't under-value yourself in the situation. you are not un-deserving of happiness and you can and will find it and it's just as much dependent on someone else taking the time to make you feel fulfilled as it does you fulfilling what he "wants" in his significant other. you are not deficient.
Jul 26, 2007

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