"Hunting Bears" is an instrumental by Radiohead (for those of you who may be unfamiliar). I can't readily think of a better piece of music to use as my personal theme song for the week.
I've spent a lifetime trying desperately to not rock the boat. I can't even really explain why anymore. I assume there's some little nugget of childhood experience that set me down this path. I've decided that I'm not concerned with the why. It really doesn't matter. I made a giant leap when I moved west. I thought by deciding upon--and following through--on and act so grand, that all of the little hang-ups that I've let rule my life to this point would seem like small potatoes and melt away. I left my old comfort zone and found a new one. It seems as though no matter how far away from home I plant myself, I haven't truly been able to uproot all of the quirks and personality flaws that held me back in Ohio. They are all right here with me now. In a very short time, I have become comfortable enough in my new home, that I'm afraid of going for the brass ring. I could lose something that I've come to hold dear if I do. If I don't, then I'm falling back in line with old patterns of regret that haunt my sleep.
Sleep, by the way, is something that I have not found easily this past week. Wherever it went, it took my appetite with it. That's not completely a bad thing. I've lost a little weight, and that has been a goal of mine for a while. I can't say that I totally recommend the method, however. I resorted to putting myself into a controlled coma yesterday. Those of you who stop by here often know that I'm prone to doing that. No, I'm not proud. But I desperately needed the rest. Between 7:30am Saturday and roughly 7pm that same night, I was in a percocet/xanax induced sleep. I woke up long enough to check my email and finish up season 2 of Boston Legal, then at about 1am, I cashed it in again with some more xanax... I don't know when I woke up this morning, but I was still groggy when I did.
It's a difficult time of year to be over two thousand miles away from the people who truly love you. The loneliness that creates is only made worse when you need a warm, comforting, hug...and there's nobody around to give one.
I'm hoping that I'll learn from this experience. I've hoped that in the past. I told myself that I would, but here I am all over again.
To anyone reading this, if you don't do it already, seize the day...every day. Whether it goes right, or whether it goes wrong, in the end you'll at least know that you gave it your best shot.
I'm in love with someone who probably doesn't feel the same about me... she wouldn't answer her phone today, and hasn't returned the message I left. Perhaps she knows. Perhaps I've already made things weird.
Drug and alcohol fueled rant over...
I've spent a lifetime trying desperately to not rock the boat. I can't even really explain why anymore. I assume there's some little nugget of childhood experience that set me down this path. I've decided that I'm not concerned with the why. It really doesn't matter. I made a giant leap when I moved west. I thought by deciding upon--and following through--on and act so grand, that all of the little hang-ups that I've let rule my life to this point would seem like small potatoes and melt away. I left my old comfort zone and found a new one. It seems as though no matter how far away from home I plant myself, I haven't truly been able to uproot all of the quirks and personality flaws that held me back in Ohio. They are all right here with me now. In a very short time, I have become comfortable enough in my new home, that I'm afraid of going for the brass ring. I could lose something that I've come to hold dear if I do. If I don't, then I'm falling back in line with old patterns of regret that haunt my sleep.
Sleep, by the way, is something that I have not found easily this past week. Wherever it went, it took my appetite with it. That's not completely a bad thing. I've lost a little weight, and that has been a goal of mine for a while. I can't say that I totally recommend the method, however. I resorted to putting myself into a controlled coma yesterday. Those of you who stop by here often know that I'm prone to doing that. No, I'm not proud. But I desperately needed the rest. Between 7:30am Saturday and roughly 7pm that same night, I was in a percocet/xanax induced sleep. I woke up long enough to check my email and finish up season 2 of Boston Legal, then at about 1am, I cashed it in again with some more xanax... I don't know when I woke up this morning, but I was still groggy when I did.
It's a difficult time of year to be over two thousand miles away from the people who truly love you. The loneliness that creates is only made worse when you need a warm, comforting, hug...and there's nobody around to give one.
I'm hoping that I'll learn from this experience. I've hoped that in the past. I told myself that I would, but here I am all over again.
To anyone reading this, if you don't do it already, seize the day...every day. Whether it goes right, or whether it goes wrong, in the end you'll at least know that you gave it your best shot.
I'm in love with someone who probably doesn't feel the same about me... she wouldn't answer her phone today, and hasn't returned the message I left. Perhaps she knows. Perhaps I've already made things weird.
Drug and alcohol fueled rant over...
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Why are you so far away from family right now? Is it because of your work? I hope you start to feel better.
*virtual hug* sorry, it's the best I can do.
Or else.