I have something to say to more than "just a few" people.
You are fucking ugly.
You're UGLY.
You hurt my eyes.
Now I'm not asking you to be pretty. I'm just asking you to stop looking like an Alabama crack whore.
So here are some obvious problems I see.
1) You're hair is fried. Fix it. Fried means it's kinda fuzzy, usually thin, and even when you've JUST washed it and dried it, it's so stiff it can still stand up on its own.
Try: Deep conditioner. Find the stuff that they tell you on the bottle to only use once a week. Use it everyday until you can tell a difference, then taper off to the once a week deal. You'll usually have to shower and wash your hair with normal shampoo, then put the deep conditioner in and leave it in for 5 minutes before you wash it out. In this time, it helps to find something else to do... save washing your body for this time, shaving your legs... playing with the vibrating ducky. Whatever. Just keep it on for at least the full fucking five minutes. Please.
2) Stupid hair colors. Your hair's color looks stupid. I promise. Some people can pull off outrageous hair colors. I can't. And unless you're incredibly hot (which you're NOT you ugly ass bitch) YOU WILL LOOK LIKE SHIT! If you do decide to put some fucking outrageous color -or- bleach it white-blonde, it's your own damn fault.
Try: Don't fucking do it in the first place. Don't dye your hair yourself. If your hair is -really- bad (for example, it's fried, dyed a stupid color, and has a perm with highlights) then save up some money and treat yourself to go to a professional hair stylist. They are smart. If you -really- just -have- to have a crazy color, they will be able to look at your skin tone and say, "Actually, since you have a bit of rosasia, neon red is just going to make it more obvious. What about a blue? Or purple?"
3) Problem number 2 is usually followed by this: you haven't fucking done your roots. Chances are, your hair actually isn't fushia pink. Imagine that. So when your hair grows out, it's OBVIOUS. And it makes you look AWFUL! Now if you had dyed your hair color a color around your normal color, you wouldn't have this problem. But ya do. Because you decided to look like a crack whore.
Try: If you MUST have that stupid hair color, have the money to take care of it! You don't get a house when you don't have the money to maintain it. So don't get a stupid hair color (which "protects you from the rain" persay constantly, unlike your house) unless you have the money to maintain it.
4) No one wants to see you naked. Really. You have ass dimples. You have thigh dimples. Promise. Those are gross. Now no where in this am I saying I'm perfect. I have the thigh/ass dimples from hell. But, then again, I don't go around shaking my ass in public/on the internet, now do I?
Try: Keeping your fucking clothes on. Stop wearing short skirts and shorts. You can in fact look sex AND modest at the same time. Really. Leaving things to the imagination is much sexier than showing off your ass dimples.
5) Your make up is a disaster. You're have natural red hair and are wearing bubble gum pink lipstick. You have blue eye shadow up to your eyebrows. You, in fact, have NO eyebrows and pencil them in.
Try: Go see a makeup counselor. They are free at stores like Ulta, Sephora, and all those makeup counters at the mall. Yes, you're "expected" to buy the makeup they used at the end. But you don't have to. I never do. I write down what they used on me, and what I liked. I write down the products I think I'll be able to wear with every outfir and occasion, and I skip the products that aren't going to get used often. I write down the prices. Then, when I have money, I come back and buy the make up "outfit" piece by piece, as -I- like it. If you don't feel comfortable getting your makeup done in public, you can come to me. Trust me, I'm only a bitch about alabama crack whores when they don't try to improve themselves.
So, there you go. Five problems and five tips for the ugly women out there who look like Alabama Crack Whores.
I'm going to start posting make up tips every day, or every time I post, or some combination of that.
Where to apply eyeshadow:
[center]
[/center]
You need at LEAST two shades, but three shades is what really works best to make your eyes pop and that's what I've shown before. If you...
1) Only have two shades...
2) Want to make something other than your eyes pop (like your lips)
3) Want a SUPER casual look (like just throwing something on to pick your kid up from school
Skip the darkest, third, color, and just use the lightest color and medium color.
These three colors should all be around the same family. They don't have to be different shades of the same color at all, but doing that makes it more idiot proof. Some colors mix VERY well together. Like put purples and blues together. And Greys and blues. But that's another day.
First, you'll apply your lightest color to your entire eyelid. Your eyelid goes from your eyelash line up to the crease where your eye socket bone is.
Second, in a "semi circle" above that, apply the medium color. It kind of ellipses out at the sides. The ellipse makes a more sexy, dusty eye look and is more idiot proof than trying to make the wide eyed a bushy tail pattern (which I'll do later). Don't make it too pointy or too, well, obvious. And don't pick a color too dark.
Third, use just a biiit of the darkest color into your crease.
Fourth, take your finger and rub it across your crease.
In the left eye in the photo, I didn't do step four so you can see exactly where to put it. The right side is an example of it in green. BTW, green is an INCREDIBLY flattering color for your eyes and, get this, it's in season for the trends. w00t.
So, there's your basic eyeshadow application. Any picture you see me in, if I'm wearing makeup, I have used that pattern. Period. I do not deviate. Even for halloween costumes, I have yet to really go crazy with my makeup (I've always done things like princess).
You are fucking ugly.
You're UGLY.
You hurt my eyes.
Now I'm not asking you to be pretty. I'm just asking you to stop looking like an Alabama crack whore.
So here are some obvious problems I see.
1) You're hair is fried. Fix it. Fried means it's kinda fuzzy, usually thin, and even when you've JUST washed it and dried it, it's so stiff it can still stand up on its own.
Try: Deep conditioner. Find the stuff that they tell you on the bottle to only use once a week. Use it everyday until you can tell a difference, then taper off to the once a week deal. You'll usually have to shower and wash your hair with normal shampoo, then put the deep conditioner in and leave it in for 5 minutes before you wash it out. In this time, it helps to find something else to do... save washing your body for this time, shaving your legs... playing with the vibrating ducky. Whatever. Just keep it on for at least the full fucking five minutes. Please.
2) Stupid hair colors. Your hair's color looks stupid. I promise. Some people can pull off outrageous hair colors. I can't. And unless you're incredibly hot (which you're NOT you ugly ass bitch) YOU WILL LOOK LIKE SHIT! If you do decide to put some fucking outrageous color -or- bleach it white-blonde, it's your own damn fault.
Try: Don't fucking do it in the first place. Don't dye your hair yourself. If your hair is -really- bad (for example, it's fried, dyed a stupid color, and has a perm with highlights) then save up some money and treat yourself to go to a professional hair stylist. They are smart. If you -really- just -have- to have a crazy color, they will be able to look at your skin tone and say, "Actually, since you have a bit of rosasia, neon red is just going to make it more obvious. What about a blue? Or purple?"
3) Problem number 2 is usually followed by this: you haven't fucking done your roots. Chances are, your hair actually isn't fushia pink. Imagine that. So when your hair grows out, it's OBVIOUS. And it makes you look AWFUL! Now if you had dyed your hair color a color around your normal color, you wouldn't have this problem. But ya do. Because you decided to look like a crack whore.
Try: If you MUST have that stupid hair color, have the money to take care of it! You don't get a house when you don't have the money to maintain it. So don't get a stupid hair color (which "protects you from the rain" persay constantly, unlike your house) unless you have the money to maintain it.
4) No one wants to see you naked. Really. You have ass dimples. You have thigh dimples. Promise. Those are gross. Now no where in this am I saying I'm perfect. I have the thigh/ass dimples from hell. But, then again, I don't go around shaking my ass in public/on the internet, now do I?
Try: Keeping your fucking clothes on. Stop wearing short skirts and shorts. You can in fact look sex AND modest at the same time. Really. Leaving things to the imagination is much sexier than showing off your ass dimples.
5) Your make up is a disaster. You're have natural red hair and are wearing bubble gum pink lipstick. You have blue eye shadow up to your eyebrows. You, in fact, have NO eyebrows and pencil them in.
Try: Go see a makeup counselor. They are free at stores like Ulta, Sephora, and all those makeup counters at the mall. Yes, you're "expected" to buy the makeup they used at the end. But you don't have to. I never do. I write down what they used on me, and what I liked. I write down the products I think I'll be able to wear with every outfir and occasion, and I skip the products that aren't going to get used often. I write down the prices. Then, when I have money, I come back and buy the make up "outfit" piece by piece, as -I- like it. If you don't feel comfortable getting your makeup done in public, you can come to me. Trust me, I'm only a bitch about alabama crack whores when they don't try to improve themselves.
So, there you go. Five problems and five tips for the ugly women out there who look like Alabama Crack Whores.
I'm going to start posting make up tips every day, or every time I post, or some combination of that.
Where to apply eyeshadow:
[center]
[/center]
You need at LEAST two shades, but three shades is what really works best to make your eyes pop and that's what I've shown before. If you...
1) Only have two shades...
2) Want to make something other than your eyes pop (like your lips)
3) Want a SUPER casual look (like just throwing something on to pick your kid up from school
Skip the darkest, third, color, and just use the lightest color and medium color.
These three colors should all be around the same family. They don't have to be different shades of the same color at all, but doing that makes it more idiot proof. Some colors mix VERY well together. Like put purples and blues together. And Greys and blues. But that's another day.
First, you'll apply your lightest color to your entire eyelid. Your eyelid goes from your eyelash line up to the crease where your eye socket bone is.
Second, in a "semi circle" above that, apply the medium color. It kind of ellipses out at the sides. The ellipse makes a more sexy, dusty eye look and is more idiot proof than trying to make the wide eyed a bushy tail pattern (which I'll do later). Don't make it too pointy or too, well, obvious. And don't pick a color too dark.
Third, use just a biiit of the darkest color into your crease.
Fourth, take your finger and rub it across your crease.
In the left eye in the photo, I didn't do step four so you can see exactly where to put it. The right side is an example of it in green. BTW, green is an INCREDIBLY flattering color for your eyes and, get this, it's in season for the trends. w00t.
So, there's your basic eyeshadow application. Any picture you see me in, if I'm wearing makeup, I have used that pattern. Period. I do not deviate. Even for halloween costumes, I have yet to really go crazy with my makeup (I've always done things like princess).
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