So we just watched the new remake of Red Dawn. First, let me say that this was, without a doubt, the most terrifying movie I have ever seen. Though it is laughably awful in concept, writing, acting, special effects, and casting, it does contain something that's far more telling about the world we live in today than any movie in recent memory.
The movie was originally supposed to feature China as the enemy that takes over a large swath of the U.S., but due to the fears of the filmmakers of incurring Chinese displeasure, they completely ruined the plausibility of the film by making NORTH FUCKING KOREA the bad guy. That's right, North Korea somehow takes over the entire West Coast of the United States. Oh, and Russia takes over the East Coast... presumably by somehow using a Harry Potter spell to apparate over Europe and the Atlantic. So the fear of China is so great that we can't even make a movie pretending that they're our enemy, and Hollywood filmmakers, whose careers are tied to the success of a movie at the box office, are more willing to torpedo their own film rather than even make-believe that China (the only rival to the United States in the world today, and coincidentally a communist totalitarian state) is our enemy. That frightens me. When we were staring down nuclear obliteration at the hands of the Soviets, we had no qualms making countless films, from Bond to Batman to Rocky, depicting the valiant 'mericans whooping some commie butt. But now, we are so terrified of fiscal retaliation from our enemy that we cower at even mentioning them. Is China the modern equivalent of Sauron? Can we not say their name to "darken the light of day" here? Are they "The country who cannot be named"? Sack up.
Now, to the awfulness of the movie itself. A few things really sucked, and a few things inexplicably sucked:
1. The lack of the entire U.S. military. Seriously. One minute we're basically rewatching "Friday Night Lights" and the next minute there are literally hundreds of 1960s-era cargo planes flying over Spokane, WA dropping North Korean paratroopers. Where the fuck did these things come from? Did we just shit-can our entire SUPREME FUCKING DOMINANCE OF THE AIR for a day? Did the entire Air Force just happen to take that day off? Then there are no ground forces in the entire movie. The only pseudo military forces that show up are some retired Marines, who are inexplicably wearing middle eastern shemaghs, and talk like they're the hottest shit to ever pick up an M4. Because being a Marine makes you an expert at Unconventional Warfare...
2. North Korea's amazing lack of using a drop zone. Seriously, they drop thousands of paratroopers from their magic planes onto highly wooded neighborhoods. Being a paratrooper myself, this is something you kind of want to avoid. The entire invasion force would have broken legs and be hung up in trees. In the original, they dropped on open areas like football fields and farms. Not this one. Nope...
3. Within 5 minutes of the airborne drop, they North Koreans are running around in Humvees and tanks, blowing shit up. Did they fucking teleport all that equipment there? What the fuck?! Which brings me to my next issue:
4. The North Koreans are using all U.S. hardware. Aside from the AK-47 (required to ensure you know they're bad guys), every piece of equipment the North Koreans have is from the U.S. They're driving Humvees, using M2 .50cal machine guns, and (my personal favorite) driving around M1 Abrams battle tanks, despite the fact that a M1 Abrams is worth more than the entire goddamn GDP of North Korea!!
Now, I highly suggest you watch this film (when it's free on Netflix, which shouldn't be too long). I love it when a film is so fucking terrible that I can write a whole blog post tearing it apart. Please mock it, and mock the actors in it, and the producers and directors of it. Mock anyone who distributed it and who wrote it. It is a disgrace to the memory of Patrick Swayze, and needs to be constantly remembered as the reason that pussification of film should never been tolerated.
The movie was originally supposed to feature China as the enemy that takes over a large swath of the U.S., but due to the fears of the filmmakers of incurring Chinese displeasure, they completely ruined the plausibility of the film by making NORTH FUCKING KOREA the bad guy. That's right, North Korea somehow takes over the entire West Coast of the United States. Oh, and Russia takes over the East Coast... presumably by somehow using a Harry Potter spell to apparate over Europe and the Atlantic. So the fear of China is so great that we can't even make a movie pretending that they're our enemy, and Hollywood filmmakers, whose careers are tied to the success of a movie at the box office, are more willing to torpedo their own film rather than even make-believe that China (the only rival to the United States in the world today, and coincidentally a communist totalitarian state) is our enemy. That frightens me. When we were staring down nuclear obliteration at the hands of the Soviets, we had no qualms making countless films, from Bond to Batman to Rocky, depicting the valiant 'mericans whooping some commie butt. But now, we are so terrified of fiscal retaliation from our enemy that we cower at even mentioning them. Is China the modern equivalent of Sauron? Can we not say their name to "darken the light of day" here? Are they "The country who cannot be named"? Sack up.
Now, to the awfulness of the movie itself. A few things really sucked, and a few things inexplicably sucked:
1. The lack of the entire U.S. military. Seriously. One minute we're basically rewatching "Friday Night Lights" and the next minute there are literally hundreds of 1960s-era cargo planes flying over Spokane, WA dropping North Korean paratroopers. Where the fuck did these things come from? Did we just shit-can our entire SUPREME FUCKING DOMINANCE OF THE AIR for a day? Did the entire Air Force just happen to take that day off? Then there are no ground forces in the entire movie. The only pseudo military forces that show up are some retired Marines, who are inexplicably wearing middle eastern shemaghs, and talk like they're the hottest shit to ever pick up an M4. Because being a Marine makes you an expert at Unconventional Warfare...
2. North Korea's amazing lack of using a drop zone. Seriously, they drop thousands of paratroopers from their magic planes onto highly wooded neighborhoods. Being a paratrooper myself, this is something you kind of want to avoid. The entire invasion force would have broken legs and be hung up in trees. In the original, they dropped on open areas like football fields and farms. Not this one. Nope...
3. Within 5 minutes of the airborne drop, they North Koreans are running around in Humvees and tanks, blowing shit up. Did they fucking teleport all that equipment there? What the fuck?! Which brings me to my next issue:
4. The North Koreans are using all U.S. hardware. Aside from the AK-47 (required to ensure you know they're bad guys), every piece of equipment the North Koreans have is from the U.S. They're driving Humvees, using M2 .50cal machine guns, and (my personal favorite) driving around M1 Abrams battle tanks, despite the fact that a M1 Abrams is worth more than the entire goddamn GDP of North Korea!!
Now, I highly suggest you watch this film (when it's free on Netflix, which shouldn't be too long). I love it when a film is so fucking terrible that I can write a whole blog post tearing it apart. Please mock it, and mock the actors in it, and the producers and directors of it. Mock anyone who distributed it and who wrote it. It is a disgrace to the memory of Patrick Swayze, and needs to be constantly remembered as the reason that pussification of film should never been tolerated.