I started this year with the intent to invest some quality time in myself, to set aside an hour or so each day for things I was passionate about. I pulled out my sketchpad and charcoals, cleaned off my drafting table, tuned my guitar, and stacked several books I had been meaning to read on my bedside table. I was excited! (I even decided to start a blog) For the first time in several years I was getting a handle on things, I was going to start moving forward again. I felt secure, ready to start on an adventure that I could be proud of.
“The best-laid plans of mice and men…”
That was when my best friend got sick. Caylee was easily the greatest thing to happen to me in over twenty years. We first met in 2010 and instantly connected with one another. At 34 I was feeling very much alone and extremely lost. The world no longer made sense to me, I had nothing in common with my old friends and as much as I had honestly tried, I couldn’t make a real connection with anyone new. Caylee had been shuffled from house to house, family to family, for a long time and it showed. She was isolated simply because nobody ever knew how to act around her; although in my heart I don’t think anyone ever truly tried to understand her. Caylee had a lot of quirks and it would often take several days before she would unclench and relax around someone new. She could innately sense when a person was being fake and had absolutely no patience for such people. If you invested yourself into her though, if you truly wanted to understand who she was then you would meet one of the greatest friends you could ever have.
Caylee loved the warm summer days and the snowy winter days equally because who you spent it with was what mattered. Caylee didn’t care if she was eating Burger King in a parking lot or a home cooked meal on the porch because the food always took second place to the company you were keeping. And if she considered you her friend than she would always greet you with the largest smile you had ever seen. Caylee was the one who reminded me that true friends accepted each other for who they were, nothing more and nothing less.
You may have picked up on my constant use of the past tense while writing all of this and I wish I could say that this was a grammatical error on my part. Originally the doctors told us they caught it early and everything would be ok but the next three months of test results and exams proved to be a difficult spring. Barely a week ever went by when we didn’t spend at least one night in the emergency room and Caylee quickly grew to loathe the hospital and especially the drive down there. There was one stretch though where we thought the medications were finally working and everything seemed to be improving. It was a magical two weeks where the old Caylee came back to me and everything was as it should be. We had awoken from the nightmare and now an exciting summer was opening up in front of us. Caylee had developed just one very small side effect though and so we made an appointment to see her Doctor for a routine check and a small adjustment to her meds. She never made it home.
Looking back I sometimes wonder if Caylee had known that she was dying and hid her pain just so we could enjoy those final two weeks together as if they were those first two weeks when we had met so long ago. Caylee was all about enjoying life, about appreciating each day for what it was and not grousing about what it could have been. As for myself, I now get out of bed each morning and look on top of my bookcase where I keep a wooden framed picture of Caylee surrounded by her favorite toy, her collar, and a clay impression of her paw. Then I grab my keys and my wallet and head out into the world with the memories of a dear friend and all the lessons she taught me about how to live.
