fusionface

Winter sucks balls. I've been in such foul mood. I don't even feel like talking to anyone right now. Mostly, I'm just feeling the Ohio drudge. I'm not satisfied at all w/where I'm at and what I'm doing in life. I need to find a way out so bad it fucking hurts. I'm damn tired of the midwest. I need to leave. Not that I haven't wanted to leave this state for about 10 years already. Fucking A. Basically, I need to find a way out of this office worker/drone in a cubicle BS that I've been doing for over 3 yrs. I know that I should be able to make some bills doing what I love to do most, but its been a series of ill-fated opportunities and frankly, I'm just too-fucking pissed. Sometimes I just feel like I'm gonna explode....drive off the side of a cliff laughing and drooling like a lunatic crazily sucking from a jar of moonshine gripped in my hand...hellbent on destroying everything I ever had that was good to me....yeah.....so anyways....I've come somewhat close to that when I took my Astro-van on to the highway and pushed it to 110 when I was too drunk to even walk let alone drive. Sometimes I just say fuck it. I've been a little frustrated w/shit as all I want to do is get paid for art and music. That's fucking it. I don't want to do this worker-bee bullshit any longer. But yet I will continue to do just that. Some people are satisfied w/growing up, going to college, getting a degree, setting off to work some bullshit, boring ass job for 10- 20 years or so, getting married, having kids and then growing old and weak just to watch themselves die shitting their pants in a god-awful nursing home that their own kids put them into cause' the kids didn't want to take care of mommy and daddy anymore. To me its all a fucking moron's guide to living. The American Dream fucking died in the 50's. At least the textbook version of it did. Yeah, so I'm fed up w/corporate America and the life I have because of it. There's so many other things I could be doing w/my life other than working for the man. I want to be the man- as in, I work for myself, bitches. I want to be invloved w/shit that's ineresting to me and other people. I just want to get my shit out there so bad that its stupid....but I guess I'm the only one to blame.....Hopefully some hard work will pay off sooner or later. I told myself that this is my year to get my shit together. We'll just have to see if I can stay true to my goals.
-sigh-
I'm done now. I just need to get some words out of my brain every now and then.....as if anyone even cared.



So now I'm watching And All That Could Have Been and instantly I'm feeling so much better. NIN is the reason I wanted to become a rockstar in the 1st place...its the reason I'm still here existing in this form at all. Its all I need to get myself back in the mix. Goddamn I want to be on stage so bad. I've gotten a taste of what it feels like to sit up behind a drumkit on a stage in front of 10,000 or so people and goddamn it feels so right. Fuck being nervous. It feels like home. This is reason why I get so frustated w/my life...I get just a little taste of what is possible and what could be- what I know is something I'm truly capable of getting myself involved in, and then I go back to my daytime reality. Things have happened in my life and to me that would make alot of men jealous, and more than a handful of people have told me that they wish that they could live the life that I live...which to me, is just irony at its best, because, you, the whole time I'm sitting here bitching about how I'm not even close to being satisfied. And I'm not...I suppose when it gets down to it, I want to live by the old saying about Sinatra- "It's his (Frank's) world, we're just living in it" But I do realize it could be so much worse than what it is, and I am grateful for what I do have..exceptionally grateful. Its just that when a man has a vision, a purpose, a knowing of what he needs, then he'll work until he gets it or die trying....and apparently I'm not dead yet. Yeah...I'm a bit of an asshole.