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funkmunky

Metro Detroit, Michigan

Member Since 2004

Followers 87 Following 101

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Saturday Dec 25, 2004

Dec 25, 2004
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I can't deal with this anymore. i've been crying for the last hour. and i can't stop, can't think about anything else, can't breathe, can't eat...

this morning was the first Christmas in seven years that i haven't awakened somewhere in the general vicinity of my wife... and I have no one to blame but myself. I destroyed us, and waited too long to attempt rebuilding on the debris of the relationship I toppled with my lies.

for those of you caught unawares by this, I am currently separated from my wife, Yelena on SG (well, no longer active, but still), since May of this past year, when I told her to get out of my house, and my life, because I didn't want her in it anymore. I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought the choices I'd made were correct...

...I thought a lot of things that were dead wrong. And now I'm living (barely) in the results of those thoughts, and the actions that came from them.

I've come to realize that it wasn't because I cheated on her, that she won't forgive me. In fact, she told me to my face that she could've put that aside and moved on, a long time ago, and worked with me to make things right.

No, it was that I spent months and months lying to her about it, hiding my actions, making up excuses for being gone late at night, attempting to control every aspect of my life in an effort to maintain... something. I don't know what. But, I know now that whatever that something my deranged mind was striving for was, it was NOTHING compared to what my relationship with my wife could've been, if I'd given it the attention it deserved.

The whole situation is part of an even larger "life crisis" i've gone through this past calendar year, and even earlier... but the rest of the stuff, the losing of my job, the estrangement from my father, the avoidance of my family for months and months... all this is nothing when held up against the huge jagged hole I tore in myself when I didn't come to my senses in time to hold on to even a scrap of what could've been and nurture that into a renewal between us...

So, now you know. FunkMunky is a cheater, and a liar, and a bastard, and doesn't deserve your love, because there's no changing of hearts in life. People are what they are, and "it is what it is", and you would all do well to steer clear of me until I get up the nerve to get out of here. --Funk
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
endedben:
Today has been slightly better. I hope it has been for you. I just don't want to think about New Years...how awful is that going to be for us? This is the worst week possible.
Dec 26, 2004
neuroticanne:
Hey!
I grew up in Livonia!! biggrin
Jan 14, 2005

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