funkabella

i think ive finally lost it. well i guess "lost it again" would be more appropriate. i sit here alone, but more alone than i ever thought i would be. i am so drained, i am so empty i dont know what i can give you anymore. i dont know if i ever gave you anything at all. i hate it when you 2nd guess yourself and things you do, anytime you question yourself......and ive been doing that every time i turn around lately. i dont know if yes is yes or yes is no or even yes is maybe.....i dont know anything anymore. its been a long time coming i do suppose. karma getting back at me for so many things. i never thought id feel this shattered, whos really here for me. dont tell me your there because your fucking not ok? your not and you know it. one person i trust. 1 single person. i trust nobody i thought i did because RIIIIITE im 2nd guessing everything. everything you say to me i take with a grain of salt because i think its bullshit, like the life ive led for 6 fucking years. i was a mistake someone made, and i shoudl have been erased. i'm not being fucking emo or drama filled im being fucking real because my fucking life is falling apart and im standing back and watching as it sucks me down with it. i'm not sure what to do. i dont want to go into specifics but i do ya know, its like where do i begin, where is the starting line, its one big blur now and its getting to be way to much. i used to be able to run away from it, but i cant now. running away from it is running away from me and gee that doesnt work to well because everywhere i go there i am LOL i physically feel like i am dying. how can mental stress reep such havoc on you, how much can you REALLY AND HONESTLY take? can you take what you get ALWAYS ya know? because i seriously am at the point of not being able to take another single god damn thing. i know this is so needed info but i have thrown up 12 times today and its only 9 and i woke up late LOL how very productive of me. ive cried the entire day except for when i got to talk to you. and you changed the subject and it was nice. i love how i use the word you and it could mean SO many poeple but really the person i trust is the person that knows they talked to me today and i hope your back is better so how do i keep going seriously.......how do i live on my own? how do i put shattered pieces that are so sharp they are slicing me as we speak. nobody can help me, i have to help myself but i need to be steared in the rite direction, which way is that btw lol can you help me? can YOU help me? because i want you to. i want you to help me so badly..........im begging for it even if i say nothing. i dont know what to say where to go what to do i cant eat i cant drive. i need a map, tell me where to go, how to get back on the road i was supposed to be on, or maybe get me on the feeder road next to it? LOL i miss my dog and i cant go HOME. i have no home anymore. its gone. typeing that made me cry. i have no where. i have nothing. when the "love of your life" doesnt want you anymore, what do you do. how do you move on. how do you function. can you please tell me. throw me a life preserver cuz im drowning faster than you know. i feel like i have so much i need to get out but i cant ya know its like blocked and so i do other things to fill the void and its all bullshit. i just want a normal life with normal things and a job thats good and i want a boy that loves me for me no matter what i do how neurotic i am i just want pure love with nothing attached. i want to cook dinners for a boy and have him tell me im great and talented and encourage me. i need stability and safety. i need realness. im scare i will never find it again. im scared to open up to you. i dont know what to say because what if it makes me vulnerable and then i get kicked in the gut like your love bites. guess what LOVE FUCKING BITES. fuck love bites. fuck one nite stands, fuck buddies, lies, manipulation, using people for shit, mind fucking, being a fuck puppet, saying you love someone when you tell everyone you love them YOU FUCKIGN CAN NOT LOVE EVERYONE YOU JUST FUCKING CANT. its not possible. fuck people that thrive off drama and say they dont FUCK YOU. fuck makeup on a pillow when your coming to visit, fuck standing me up fuck being alone fuck everything. except you. the one person i trust. i hold you in high esteem. so no dont fuck you. i have to go throw up.
enjoy my entry. i know i didnt.