fucko_fuckington

i found this letter saved on my computer. i dont take it to seriously anymore. i was fucked up when i wrote it. it was after a all night binger of coke and alcohol almost a year ago. i needed someone to talk to and i decided to write a letter to my ex. its fucked. i really dont feel like this anymore and it now creeps me out. drugs are bad.


If you were ever to read this, I hope you take this very seriously. I have thought about suicide lately, not because my life sucks but because your not in it. Its like that Romeo and Juliet type thing. I dont really know or understand what you did to me but I havent stopped thinking about you lately. Every night I go to bed and cant get to sleep because I constantly think on what happened and wish that I could still be with you. You havent been in my head for a long time and then all of a sudden boom, your there every night pounding my thoughts. Please stop. I wish I wouldnt have met you and our relationship never would have happened but it did. Maybe it wasnt the right time for this because I have had a lot of bad relationships before and now after. I cant find the right girl and now I believe you were it. I cant understand why I feel like this. We had some bad times where we were sick of each other and wanted to kill each other but we managed through that. I dont know if I want to get back together and I dont know if we were meant to be with each other for as long as we were. I really dont know what I want, maybe some closure or maybe I do want you or maybe its because your long gone and its like I can never have you anymore, I really cant grasp it. I do know. I cant get you out of my brain, your pounding it every night and finally I had to release it through what Im writing now. All this probably doesnt make any sense but I dont really give a rats ass. I am just going to keep writing what I think and maybe it will all come together at the end. It doesnt really help that I was doing coke all last night until around 2 but its now 6 in the morning and I cant sleep. I try to close my eyes and all I fucking see is your face. Why? Why the fuck are you always in my thoughts and dreams? Always there when I sleep. Why cant I get over you? Maybe its because you and Ryan fucked. No. I was over that. I just still dont understand why and what you see in him. That is kind of funny. Im not trying to wait out your final breakup, thats not going to happen. I have and still continue to see other women, in search of the one that gets my mind off you. I really hope I can find her because you are driving me fucking crazy. Did you put some kind of witchcraft spell on me or something? Some kind of freaky voodoo? If so take that shit off and let me live my fucking life peacefully. Sometimes I think if I move back to Florida that this will all go away. I think I like Denver to much to do that. I think its to soon for that. I have a lot of things here to look forward to. I have made a lot of good friends and if I was to go back to Florida I would get back into the same trouble that I was trying to get out of. You saw how my dad reacted when I came home with you. I would like to keep that reaction because hes proud of me for the first time and if I go home he wont have that as much unless I stay out here. I think Im running out of things to say right now and thats what I needed to get off my chest at the moment. I would feel better if you were to call me sometimes. I think that would put some things at peace with me. I just think you hate me and I dont want you to hate me. I want you to tell me if you did and maybe this will be okay or maybe Ill just fucking kill myself because I lost the only thing I really cared about. I wish I had never lied to you. If I could go back in time that would be the only thing I would change about my life, I would have never lied to you if I knew that I would have loved you this much. If I wasnt so conceded and such an asshole moving in together in the first place and got a place by myself, I think I would have been happier because I would have learned to be more responsible and not some child living with my mommy, aka you. I was such an asshole now that I think about it. I basically used you and didnt even care or just was too stupid to fucking realize it. Oh well, I really dont know what to do now. Im going to get this promotion and make a good amount of money but I just wish I could share it with you. I could care less about it. I just wish you could be there with me and be proud of me. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me. Please fucking help me out right now. I really cant stop thinking about you and its fucking me up I just want it to fucking stop. I going to stop now and try to get some sleep. Its almost 8 in the morning and I have to go to work later on.