Well, I'm new here and couldn't figure out what to put in this space. Here's the letters I've written to the local alternative newspaper; they're pretty funny. I've written three over the years, and all three were published! This one is new, and just went out today...Iwonder if it'll make the cut for next week's issue?
Hello, folks! The Mercury's a great rag, and the Best of Estacada articles were flippin' hilarious -- but I am shocked - shocked I say - that two incredible stories were somehow missed by your team of crack reporters. I'm sure there's a joke in there about "crack" and "your reporters," but I just can't find it....
1) O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing cable on July 27th! Ann Romano, why have you forsaken me? That's hilarious. Celebrity wrongdoing? Check! Pathetic celebrity wrongdoing? Check! Overly sadistic court system? Check! I wonder what shows he was watching? Only you can tell us, Ann Romano.
2) You covered the fire at Chinatown stripclub the Magic Garden back in May, but didn't mention the much larger fire last month at Soobies, out on 122nd. Too close to Gresham? But wait, there's more -- the lingerie modeling shop Baby Dolls on Barbur burned down just two weeks later! That's three in a row - is it a team of religous nuts handing out god's wrath on Portland's best, most giving citizens? Are drunk strippers simply a fire hazard that we should all avoid? I blame Karl Rove, myself, but.... And to add just a little more action, legend has it that, back in the days when the "ladies" at Union Jacks on Burnside lived in the apartments above, there was a tragic fire with no survivors - and the top two floors have been left as gutted, burned out wrecks to this day as a memorial to those lost, tired souls! Is it a Portland tradition to regularly purify its sins by torching temptation?!
Hello, folks! The Mercury's a great rag, and the Best of Estacada articles were flippin' hilarious -- but I am shocked - shocked I say - that two incredible stories were somehow missed by your team of crack reporters. I'm sure there's a joke in there about "crack" and "your reporters," but I just can't find it....
1) O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing cable on July 27th! Ann Romano, why have you forsaken me? That's hilarious. Celebrity wrongdoing? Check! Pathetic celebrity wrongdoing? Check! Overly sadistic court system? Check! I wonder what shows he was watching? Only you can tell us, Ann Romano.
2) You covered the fire at Chinatown stripclub the Magic Garden back in May, but didn't mention the much larger fire last month at Soobies, out on 122nd. Too close to Gresham? But wait, there's more -- the lingerie modeling shop Baby Dolls on Barbur burned down just two weeks later! That's three in a row - is it a team of religous nuts handing out god's wrath on Portland's best, most giving citizens? Are drunk strippers simply a fire hazard that we should all avoid? I blame Karl Rove, myself, but.... And to add just a little more action, legend has it that, back in the days when the "ladies" at Union Jacks on Burnside lived in the apartments above, there was a tragic fire with no survivors - and the top two floors have been left as gutted, burned out wrecks to this day as a memorial to those lost, tired souls! Is it a Portland tradition to regularly purify its sins by torching temptation?!