NOTE: This is a re-post from another blog we have. Our friend and now roommate @kazumi mentions to people she is living with her "photographer and his wives", which usually gets some attention. We're used to it, but people are always curious how it works. To be frank, I really have NO idea, it just does, and I wouldn't trade it for anything/one.
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We've been asked on occasion how we started, and what it was like getting where we are now in our polyamorous relationship. Did we start out this way? Have we always done things the same, did we change, and what changed? All typical and valid questions.
So! I had been thinking about the topic at work this evening and decided I'd do a semi sorta hope I remember what the fuck I was doing & when & in what order post. Yes, this will be in my typical rambling in circles ADD manner, get over it!
So, lets see here. Did we start out this way? In a word, yes.
When I met Deni all those years ago, she was concerned that when I found out she liked girls as much as I did I may not want her any more. I was fine with it, and the fact that she was pretty much lesbian didn't really bother me. Male or female, if someone can take my girl from me I either did something wrong or couldn't do anything about it, the result would be the same, so I wasn't worried about it.
So, from the get go we embraced the idea that we could feed her need for punani, allow me to share in that fun, and enjoy sex with each other at the same time without destroying what we had. And there is where our search started, even before we were married. The wonderful thing about our relationship was that we were more like best friends hanging out and perving on women than a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. I'd see a hot woman and mention it to her, and instead of the incredibly heavy for such a small purse upside the head, I'd get an "ooooh, she looks tasty!". While our ideal woman was not the same, our general tastes in looks and more importantly attitudes where the same.
The area where we met and spent our 1st couple years together was pretty sparse when it came to people that were like us, even now if you search the area on this website you wont find much. Smalltownitis is prevalent in that community and always will be. Still, we started out on AOL and the chat rooms there, primarily in the F4F & BiF4BiF rooms. Deni & I became fixtures in one particular room and made friends with several women around the country, a couple we occasionally chat with today years after the fact. Unfortunately Deni cannot type well and felt as if people were judging her for it and left me to do much of the typing and eventually the interacting.
Over time we made a few connections in our area and after moving from the middle of BFE desert CA to Ventura, we met our 1st woman offline. Now this wasn't to be our first encounter, just a meeting over drinks and some idle chit chat. She was a wonderful lady and we wish things could have progressed from there. However things happened in her life shortly there after that prevented us from seeing her again.
There were a few connections here and there over the next couple years, seems as many people as there are in & around Ventura, at that time people just weren't into meeting much. In fact the entire time we were in CA the only encounter we had was totally unplanned with a couple of my coworkers, just with no direct contact. We did the State Street thing in Santa Barbara with a guy & girl we were friends with, got WAY too hammered, and at our hotel it turned into a game of who can make their girl cum the loudest. They won, as judged by the applause coming from the rooms around us. Fun times.
We did have an opportunity to pop our cherry on our last night in CA, but we passed on it. Our hostess for the night was quite a little hottie, someone we'd known for a couple years and was a good friend. I'd joked to Deni about asking her to come join us in bed that evening, and she seemed to really like the idea but was afraid our lady friend would be offended. She knew her better than I so I let it go, but as it turns out she was totally into the idea. Too bad we found this out a couple weeks later when I was talking to her on the phone,... She's definitely one we added to the "kick yourself for not doing:" list.
So! Washington here we come. I wont go into numbers, names, or the pervy things we did, but I will say this. Washington is a SHIT load more interesting than CA! In the handfull of years we searched in CA, we met the one lady. In the 1st year we were in WA, on a little fucking island even, we met a lot of people in this area and all around Puget Sound. Folks are a bit more open minded up here it would seem.
We started out with the folks on AOL, then we started using the Excite personals which was free until it was bought out by a company that made it into a pay only service. We met a couple dozen people off that site alone in the few months we were on there.
Now, back on topic, we had laid out some basic ground rules ahead of time so we could be sure we came through the other side in one piece. Once we had had an encounter or two we edited our rules as needed as we learned what we liked, what we didn't, and where our limits needed to be. Honestly, there weren't many changes, if we got along with someone well enough to bang them we were pretty much OK as neither of us has issues with giving/getting enough attention. We're pleasers and it was all about making our playmate very, VERY happy. That was just us and the fact that we were only playing with single women may have played a large role in that.
We did find our first steadyish relationship in that 1st year, a woman we saw on & off for the next few years as our situations allowed us to be together. This was someone we both loved, and still do to a minor extent. She's not in our life anymore, but we keep in touch. Those experiences can happen and there is where your rules will really make the difference between staying together or having a critical meltdown. Regardless, this is what every couple goes through when they are new to the lifestyle, whether they are soft swinging or rollin a full blown swap situation, your perception of what it will be like and what it IS like are rarely the same. Be prepared for that and you'll be ok.
After Excite went to shit, we banged around a couple other sites until we found a small website called Adult Friend Finder. This was in '99 & back then there was that site, friend finder, and one other all run by the same parent company. Now there are a couple dozen sites all run by the same company. Anyway, we got on this crazy website and immediately started making connections all over the damned place. In those early days of that website we met a lot of people at little meet & greets and the occasional party held down in Tacoma, WA. Our 1st party was at a roadhouse for someones birthday where over 200 members of this website turned out. It was somewhat in-fucking-sane, definitely not what we expected, overwhelming, but still a lot of fun. We were hooked!
Over the next couple years we met literally hundreds of people offline. Most of them at some event or another, but still, the networking was what made this all work for us, either via the chat rooms or at meets/parties. Regardless of the website, the random pinging of profiles didn't really work when it came to meeting playmates, too little interaction.\
Over this time we made several connections, and made a few really good friends, many we are still in touch with in some form or another. We grew as a couple, explored, expanded our horizons, learned what we liked and didn't like, and what was simply out of the question. We found that couples that don't do full swap aren't real popular with "real swingers", whatever that means. We figured out that while house parties with people we knew were fun at first, it really depended on the people there as to whether we'd stick around for the "fun". And eventually we found that we really enjoy swing clubs, those that are run well at least.
Some years back Deni & I were sponsored in to New Horizons, a local swing club. We loved it! the place was well put together and has all kinds of fun things to enjoy (we loved the indoor pool!), great company, and NO PRESSURE. It was fantastic. You arrive in time for dinner, see who's there, say hi to people you know, say hi to people you don't know, enjoy dinner with either/or, and see where the evening goes. We've been a number of times, the last few with Jamie (our 3rd), and never once had sex with someone else. But the ability to see and be seen, or not,... The energy in the place is undeniable and it is easy to let go and just run with it. Very primal and pure this sex thing, great times!
As for how we did it relationship wise. We were just ready to give it a shot really. We were curious, and we both knew we could leave at any time, had the option to play or not, what we wanted to do was entirely up to us and whomever we were interacting with IF we decided to interact at all. It was very relaxed, and really it didn't call for any sort of a rule change as by the time we decided to try a real club we were at a point where our rules were very stable.
Now, we had been seeing some people here and there, and with a few of the ladies, particularly the married ones, I was not welcome to join in the festivities so Deni was playing alone. This was fine and was always part of our particular rules from the outset as we knew there would be those situations. However Deni wasn't keen on me going out on my own just yet, and it was some time before I was let off the leash a couple times. Turned out that while fun in the end, was a vivid reminder of why I HATE dating. So much easier when it's the two of us together with my wife hooking them and me reeling them in. Over all it was a good thing, it allowed us to explore and learn, even a hard lesson or two as Deni found out when she finally got ahold of her ideal woman and choked, she was not amused & told Deni to go fly a kite,... It took some work to get over the rejection of a fantasy, further evidence that some fantasies are hard to live up to.
During this time the meet & greet that was near us, well nearish, took and hour and a half to get there, closed shop and we were left with no events in our area. So, Deni & I decided to start our own meet and see what happened. As luck would have it we started a good thing and over the years we have done it we've had the longest running meet North of Seattle for over 10 years now. We met many new people, made some solid connections, and have made some great new friends. By some miracle we haven't had any real problems either (knock on wood!). Granted, it's come up a time or twenty to tank the whole thing since we've been doing it so long and attendance has taken a definite downturn over the last year. But the reality is it's the one night a month we get to be out with people who don't think we're freaks, people we can be open around, and when we're lucky, our freaky friends can make it out and spend an evening.
It was at our meet that we came across Jamie (that networking thing again!). She'd been to the old meet a couple times (we were never there at the same time tho), and had come out to our meet once before, but it was the 2nd time around was when Deni took notice of her and we started talking. We got gradually closer and were at the point where she was at our house more than hers when we started talking about having her become more than a "friend". Having had a girlfriend already it wasn't a new concept, but we still needed to talk about it. It was about this time that Jamie was seeing a couple other people and we decided if we were gonna do this we'd better do it now. So, in December of 2008 we asked her if she'd like to be our 3rd full time. She accepted, and we have been in a poly-fidelous relationship ever since.
It's not always easy, it's not always fun, and in reality anyone who thinks this is a great idea is likely to be in for a big surprise. Keeping one woman happy is work, keeping TWO happy is a fook'n career!
Seriously, it has it's ups & downs like any relationship, just more complex and you have to handle two peoples interests and feelings at the same time no matter what you are doing. This is where our rules had to be re-examined. Overall we didn't change much other than the fact that we don't play with other people unless all of us are into that person and they are into all of us, no exceptions. In the years we have been together there have only been two people that made the grade, and it still didn't go down.
Getting where we are now wasn't a short road, it had it's curves and switchbacks, and a fair share of "dips", but overall we have had a great run of it and are looking forward to what the future brings us.
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As a postscript item, Deni & I celebrated out 20th anniversary in February, and out 8th with Jamie. I had custom rings made for the three of us and presented Jamie her ring with her mom and grandmother attending. Not quite a ceremony, but we are bound to each other all the same.