Trigger Warning: Talk of Sexual Abuse.
This is intended as a discussion and not a judgement.
Constantly, I am seeing people on Suicide Girls misconstruing the purpose of this site and the nature of consent. While it is most certainly a sexually charged site, it is, by no means, a sex site. This subtle nuance to the label seems to create a perceived grey zone of what consent looks like here. It’s a site for alternative models, some of which happen to be sex workers. It’s not a sex worker site.
I’m no expert or psychiatrist, but I certainly have thoughts on this, because it bothers me a lot.
Let’s take a small example that most members will relate to; a male member is enjoying reading the posts and looking at the pictures. He sees a post/picture he likes, so he comments. Within minutes, that model sends him a DM with a message akin to, “Hello Sweetie. Thank you for liking my picture. Where are you from?” He answers and the very next message back is, “If you want to see more of me, join my OF and I have naughty content and will give you the girlfriend experience.”
I know this has happened to many of us male members. Most of us get a little insulted by it and think: “All she cares about is money, she doesn’t want to know me, I’m not just a wallet.” Maybe we report her, but most likely we respond politely or don’t respond. Or maybe some of us go for it, because why not?
The underlying current, though, is that she asked for consent and was clear about her intent. Insulted though a member might be at something he may interpret as preying on his loneliness, desperation or horniness, he was given the option to accept or decline before it went any further, be it pictures, sexts, videos or whatnot. He was allowed to choose the extent he wanted to go in terms of sexuality, relationship level or trust.
Let’s flip this with another example, and it’s going to get NSFW here:
A Hopeful/Model posts a picture. A male member sends her a positive message on her post. Something like, “Wow. You’re beautiful.” Perhaps he messages her, or she messages him. She obviously wants to build her fan base and perhaps earn some money in tips or redirect him eventually to another site she may be a part of. Or she is just being polite and friendly. It goes back and forth civilly and perhaps with a bit of flirtation. “Thank you for the compliment, Handsome!”
Suddenly, the member switches gears and the next message is “Gawd, I really want to shove my c*ck in your *$$.” No preamble, no warning, nothing. Just instantly violating the conversation. Instantly ignoring trust, decorum, or that there is another human being at the other end of the conversation. He instantly ignored consent and put her in a bad place without her choice.
All he had to write was, “If I wanted to make this conversation dirty, would you be ok with it?” That’s it. A simple question of consent. She can accept, refuse, set boundaries or whatever. And then he abides by it.
What makes the second example so much worse, is that many, if not ALL, women on this site have suffered sexual abuse, rape or assault in their lives. They have a very real reason to interpret the above example as a male not even noticing her defenses. A male who can’t or won’t see that she has been in very real situations where her consent wasn’t even considered. It isn’t even a small step to connect his behaviour in a simple DM conversation to triggering events in her past or even current life.
What is her option at that point? Block him or report him? No easy mental task if she is an assault survivor. Tell him his comment is unwelcome and risk his anger and wrath and name calling? Continue and try to monetize his behaviour? Most importantly, why is she once again responsible for having to agonize over another male’s ignorance?
This is why posting pictures of genitalia is reported and removed, because it removes the chance for consent. Certainly, the male pictures, maybe not all the female ones. Because it is a site for nude female modelling after all. We all know that this is something that occurs in this site.
This non-consensual manner can occur in comments on blogs, photos, or photosets. It can occur in inappropriately named #tags. It can occur in group chats. It isn't limited to DMs, but it is certainly prevalent there.
Even more extreme than the offensive DMs and crude comments and lewd photos are the behaviours of some people towards models in livestreams. The occasional reprehensible behaviour, comments, and actions of a few ‘fans’ on the livestreams goes far beyond removing consent. They directly intend to cause harm with their words and actions. We have a name for people like that: psychopaths. They need to be reported and banned and hopefully some sort of counselling and compensation is provided for the model who had to endure it.
Finally, another point that seems to keep coming up: Just because a model poses nude does not mean she has to consent to revealing absolutely anything about her life or to create a conversation or relationship. She may already be overcoming previously unscalable climbs just to post those pictures. She may be deathly afraid of so many things that comes from putting herself out there. We need to respect that.
Sure, this site is about a supportive community and modelling. Sure, models benefit by having likes and interests that members can connect with. Sure, money sometimes is expected to change hands. But no one, not anyone, has the right to force anyone to do something they are not comfortable with. This community should understand that better than most.
Male members: If you read this and you can honestly say that you are respectful of boundaries and consent, and that none of this applies to you, then I applaud you, because I can’t say that about myself. I know I have made mistaken violations to consent that I hope I took the lesson from. It is, in fact, the catalyst for me wanting to make the world a better place and for trying to address other men on this topic. There are enough of us wanting to do things the right way that we can spread the word and help hold each other accountable, for the sake of everyone we care about.
If you read this and what I wrote doesn’t sit well with you, I suggest you examine why and do some introspection. Perhaps this is a call-out to something you need to be better at. It isn’t too late to become a champion and not an accidental scoundrel. There are many people who are willing to help you grow, to improve. Be open, listen to the feedback, and work on fixing it. None of this is meant to be confrontational, only helpful.
Female Members, models and Hopefuls: If this resonates with you, then please say so. I think a lot of men aren’t aware of the breadth and depth of this issue. You don’t have to, but a dialogue will help this issue gain focus. If you know of someone who could benefit from reading this post and subsequent comments, you can feel free to mention them in the comments. Or, if that puts you in a place where you feel unsafe or called-out, then I invite you to DM me directly and give me the name of someone you would like mentioned and I will mention them in the comment and leave you protected. I will protect you and your anonymity, and I won’t heap abuse onto the person. I’ll just mention them in the comments, and they can take from it what they will.
I know I didn’t even come close to covering this topic in enough detail, but I am hoping at least one person reads this and it helps them cease unwanted behaviour.
Peace and love to you, my friends and future friends.
