fred

Hey!
I just met 6 suicidegirls in person tonight!
(...and some guy named Mike? )

After work I decided on a whim to head north and check out the SG DVD signing at the Tower Records on Sunset Blvd.
Well seeing them all in the flesh and blood with their personalities in effect they were all even more attractive then just plain pixel photos. I would have smelled them but I didn't get close enough.
It always trips me out to see people in real life after seeing them on the internet first.

I hope I didn't freak out London by saying, "Hi, I'm Fred." Her journal is the only one I really follow out of the girls there.
Stormy was cute as a button. Shera was the scariest out of all them, meaning I'd bet she'd be most likely to do something to embarass me. She didn't though, so she's cool too.

Missy was very friendly and nice. She asked me "How did you find out about the site?" Maybe because she was thinking "What's this guy doing here?" (I have not single tattoo, piercing or bit of fashion style), but it was said in a completely nice way. I told her I was old skool and she thanked me and shook my hand.

Sicily and Snow I didn't say anything to, but they both seemed really cool. Sicily seemed kind of bemused by my presence but in a nice way.
And Snow, I was tripping out too probably. Wow her eyes in person are beautifully entrancing.

Well, it took over 3 hours of driving but it was worth it. I was kind of regretting that I didn't talk more with people in line or the girls, but the main thing was just to go on a lark and out of curiousity.
On the way back I did a lot of thinking, about the last couple of weeks especially, so that made it even more worth it.


About two weeks ago my friend Tom from New Orleans came to visit. Yeah, New Orleans. Well, like we all know they're having some problems down there, so his flight to return on Sunday is indefinitely delayed.
The real cosmic thing about it all is how it all worked out.
I'd just broken up from a long term relationship and had had basically had no social lfe at all. It was a real heavy one-on-one thing for all that time.
The first week after the breakup I found a cool group of foreign exchange students that had a party. I met a lady that just came back from where I'd lived in Japan 10 years previous. That was a start.
Then *boom* again out of the blue a week later Tom drops out of nowhere and tells me he's in town.
And ever since there have been freaky coincidences all over.
It's synchronicity city.

So, anyway now it's like I just had a social life dropped on my head again. I've been going to series of bars, clubs, and strip clubs to get back into the swing of things. I'm not going to follow this path (long term at least) but man I just had to get out, just to get out.

At work I'm really going kind of apeshit. I'm almost daring them to fire me, because I just cannot stand another few years in some soul draining environment. I blatantly work on my resume. I spent 3 hours for lunch today at the library doing job hunting.
I either want contract work where I work my ass off and then have my own time for a few months, and free from political BS. Or else just work for a halfway sane company that knows what they're doing, has cool people, yet don't try to work you to death. Maybe that doesn't exist I'm starting to think.

I started taking some new supplements: DHEA, gingko biloba, and zinc. The DHEA made me feel kind of edgy so spontaneously I ended up stop drinking coffee.
On the illicit side I got stoned once and most likely soon to be more. For alcohol, it's good I guess but only in moderation. I really am not down at all on the hangover scene.

So anyway Tom's been helping me get out and about, and also help me work on the house some when he's not a lazy bastard.
Considering that his house could be under 10 feet of water giving him a place to stay helps him. His dad is staying here too.

This is definitely one of those times when everything changes all at once. I was in a *long ass* rut, so it's about time.
Now I'm getting this smorgasboard of past experiences and things while trying to make a new life.

Driving back tonight I was thinking about my life in general. How there are these phases and these periods that are basically just long term reactions to events. There might be a handful of people or experiences that can drastically shape who you are.
Now I just want to figure out: who the hell am I and the what the hell am I doing?
There are the reactions that you might have at various times and then there's the intentionality of determing who you are outside of influences. Then there are the aspects you might choose to drop, but then there are the scars and baggage that you just have to own up to because there's just no getting around it.

Getting radical is find I guess, for a while.
What I want now is integration.
Where you know exactly who are, what you do and what you want. Where you gather your various guises, habits, intentions, history, qualities and either throw them on the fire and watch them burn for good, or else patch it all up and add it to the collection of who you are.
Maybe I'll read Herman Hesse's Steppenwolfe again...

I also had a very long stream of thoughts about what's brought me to this site and what it means for me.
I'd spew out some more but I think is enough for now.