fred

I had a jager experiment tonight.
Sometimes on Friday night I decide to kick back with a few drinks, a bottle of wine, or a six pack of imported beer. Tonight I thought I'd get a bottle of jagermeister. I heard it actually has something in it that qualitively makes it different.
I know from past experience that tequilla makes one more likely to go apeshit, so the theory was intriguing.

Well, after a couple of glasses on the rocks I at first felt all giddy and very light headed. Wow, there is something to it after all. Maybe they process nitrous oxide through the distilling process....
But then after less than an hour I mysteriously became more sober than when I first started drinking.
I figured that it just required more to be consumed then. An usual side effect was that I really wished I had some good weed. I'm not sure how much the jager or my own circumstances contributed to this impulse.

At the moment I am officially "half-crocked".

I'm not yet at the point where I really want to socialize. A couple of weeks ago I was toying with various forms of flirting -- the grocery store, book stores, restaraunt waitresses. It was uplifting but there's been a guilt upswing and heavy emotional baggage downpour lately, so for now I'll count on more progress within the next few months.

I was talking to my brother about the diffierence between a beer and wine buzz not that long ago. Chalk up jager as it's own category then I suppose.

I'm on my own now.
I was considering going to portland this weekend. I'll go after I get my crap together. It'd be too hectic as it is.

In other news, I had the realization that I'm proceeding in an odd direction. My latest journal entry reflects this.
It's not bad but I have to brace myself for the consequences. A few times in my life shit went crazy. This is a time like that.
It's no use in relying on anything or expecting things to be as they always have been.
Razed horizon landscape re-birth is more style anyway. Freedom to die alone is... romatic. It provides a no-fault existence.

I was listening/watching Janes Addiction's latest. I'm not sure what to think.
Initially it was slightly disappointing. Then again times have changed, along with myself.
I think all things considered it's actualy pretty good, but not like how they once were.
I had to be half-crocked to get a more definitive viewpoint.
I happened to catch The Doors on TBS or something a couple of nights ago. A double nostalgic moment - recalling my original 13 year old idolization of Lizard King and then my '91 experience with my first girlfriend watching the movie when it first came out.

This year will have great changes...
I want to be in a very different place by the end of the year. I'm going on at least 3 trips.
Coachella is one, portland at one time will be another. And then another one.
This is my "drunkard" point of view.
Will it persist or not? Add this question to the ages...

~~~~~
holy crap....
I finished the whole bottle of jager off.
Didn't expect that. I'll move on to a couple of bottles of steinlager now.
I'm listening to tool/perfect circle now too....


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2/28 12:30pm update:
Oh what a cringeworthy day...
What kind of moron poisons themselves so they feel like ca-ca and function at diminished capacity? I am that moron.
The contrast between Friday night after work after a hard week when a few drinks seem so enticing and comforting...
versus the foggyheaded, regret filled nausea where your entire soul feels blemished.
That's quite a contrast.

I tend to blow off steam like that every 4 to 6 weeks.
3/1 Monday is the start of another healthy clean-living cycle. I'd already gone 6 weeks no coffee or alchol, back to the grindstone.