A few thoughts on "life".
Life is weird. I have clear memories of driving with my dad in the front seat looking out at all the cars and "tripping out" on the idea of "humans". The idea of here we all are: how? why? Kids don't need drugs for that kind of thing, it's natural.
I remember asking my mom once, "What happens when you die?". Adults can't handle questions like that.
One thing about life is that there is always a context that frames any given period of your life. This has been what I've noticed about my own life. In my own life things tend to run in cycles of roughly three years. For example here is a list starting from high school:
- Moved to San Clemente from San Diego. Went to public school for the first time for junior high and first year HS. Good and bad times. Lived the beach lifestyle. (three years)
- Moved back to San Diego. Hard time readjusting to new environment. New HS. Isolated first year, some friends next year. Senior year started to have fun and party. (three years)
- post HS. Dealt with what to do after school. Lot of time alone again. Going to TJ, working at pizza hut. Getting stoned, other substances. Part time jobs, junior college. Working to get into real college. Trying to get out of house. Hard knocks, wild trips, free time. (four years)
- university. Finally made it. The best peak yet. high pressure, highly social environment. First love, living large, good friends. Struggling and fun.(three years)
- japan. taking a chance at end of limb. rollercoaster life and relationship. who needs drugs when you're living in a foreign country, it's intense enough.
yet more expansion. A feeling of arrived in a way. emotional disaster. drink like the natives. outsider for real now. see the world. alienating adventure. heart rending breakup. world travels. (almost three years.)
- back in the USA. reverse culture shock. broke again. get a job. back to computers. learn the ropes. get over the ex, who's next. filipino drama girl. NYC road trip. UK business trip. (2 1/2 years)
- new apt. before crash. deeper in the computers, the isolation. looking for prospects, latin flirtation flameout. (1 1/2 years)
- my car crash, just after the market. no more drinking. new job. death in family. back with the standby. takin care of old folks. unemployment, takin it easy. fully institutionalized by now, who needs a social life. another new job, NOW (2 1/2 years and counting)
Didn't really intend to summarize that much, but I tend to get anally thorough. It's over twenty years... ugh.
That was very compressed. My life seems kind of trivialized or something. maybe that's the best attitude though.
My original point is that at any given time there is an emotional background. Normally the previous phase begins the background of the next. Then as the previous girlfriend, place, job, etc. fades from view a new situation has already slowly begun to form. There are the fears, desires, joys and pains of any given time.
For me that really defines the time. No matter where you were it's those emotionaly conditions, those relationships that define how it really was at that time.
And you put them all together and you have, your life.
My fears, hopes have all changed a lot. The seasonal emotional background keeps changing slowly like clouds. Once cloud passes, another comes by. It's sunny. It's raining. It's cold. It's hot.
If there is anything I would really like it's the kind of clarity that inspires action. It's too much obligation and expectation nowadays. I need a clear goal and a feeling of just *having* to do it. Desparation can be great motivator and I lack it. Desparation is know slight discomfort, but the kind of discomfort that can be tolerated indefinitely.
It's all leveled off. No great highs or lows. I don't even question it that much anymore, just accept it.
What to do? Again it's lack of clarity. The tradeoff? more stability.
That is my life for now.
That's enough for now. Like I was going to figure something out anyway, ha. Another day is coming up. It's good to keep it in perspective.
I've dwelt enough. Not trying to sound mopey. Put the binoculars back and get out the microscope now...
Life is weird. I have clear memories of driving with my dad in the front seat looking out at all the cars and "tripping out" on the idea of "humans". The idea of here we all are: how? why? Kids don't need drugs for that kind of thing, it's natural.
I remember asking my mom once, "What happens when you die?". Adults can't handle questions like that.
One thing about life is that there is always a context that frames any given period of your life. This has been what I've noticed about my own life. In my own life things tend to run in cycles of roughly three years. For example here is a list starting from high school:
- Moved to San Clemente from San Diego. Went to public school for the first time for junior high and first year HS. Good and bad times. Lived the beach lifestyle. (three years)
- Moved back to San Diego. Hard time readjusting to new environment. New HS. Isolated first year, some friends next year. Senior year started to have fun and party. (three years)
- post HS. Dealt with what to do after school. Lot of time alone again. Going to TJ, working at pizza hut. Getting stoned, other substances. Part time jobs, junior college. Working to get into real college. Trying to get out of house. Hard knocks, wild trips, free time. (four years)
- university. Finally made it. The best peak yet. high pressure, highly social environment. First love, living large, good friends. Struggling and fun.(three years)
- japan. taking a chance at end of limb. rollercoaster life and relationship. who needs drugs when you're living in a foreign country, it's intense enough.
yet more expansion. A feeling of arrived in a way. emotional disaster. drink like the natives. outsider for real now. see the world. alienating adventure. heart rending breakup. world travels. (almost three years.)
- back in the USA. reverse culture shock. broke again. get a job. back to computers. learn the ropes. get over the ex, who's next. filipino drama girl. NYC road trip. UK business trip. (2 1/2 years)
- new apt. before crash. deeper in the computers, the isolation. looking for prospects, latin flirtation flameout. (1 1/2 years)
- my car crash, just after the market. no more drinking. new job. death in family. back with the standby. takin care of old folks. unemployment, takin it easy. fully institutionalized by now, who needs a social life. another new job, NOW (2 1/2 years and counting)
Didn't really intend to summarize that much, but I tend to get anally thorough. It's over twenty years... ugh.
That was very compressed. My life seems kind of trivialized or something. maybe that's the best attitude though.
My original point is that at any given time there is an emotional background. Normally the previous phase begins the background of the next. Then as the previous girlfriend, place, job, etc. fades from view a new situation has already slowly begun to form. There are the fears, desires, joys and pains of any given time.
For me that really defines the time. No matter where you were it's those emotionaly conditions, those relationships that define how it really was at that time.
And you put them all together and you have, your life.
My fears, hopes have all changed a lot. The seasonal emotional background keeps changing slowly like clouds. Once cloud passes, another comes by. It's sunny. It's raining. It's cold. It's hot.
If there is anything I would really like it's the kind of clarity that inspires action. It's too much obligation and expectation nowadays. I need a clear goal and a feeling of just *having* to do it. Desparation can be great motivator and I lack it. Desparation is know slight discomfort, but the kind of discomfort that can be tolerated indefinitely.
It's all leveled off. No great highs or lows. I don't even question it that much anymore, just accept it.
What to do? Again it's lack of clarity. The tradeoff? more stability.
That is my life for now.
That's enough for now. Like I was going to figure something out anyway, ha. Another day is coming up. It's good to keep it in perspective.
I've dwelt enough. Not trying to sound mopey. Put the binoculars back and get out the microscope now...
at least you know who you are and where you've been.