fred

Well... here it is. 2:24am

I've been going to bed between 2 and 3 am every night.
I've been stuck in the oddest and most unproductive and vaguely self-destructive patterns lately.
Not lately, just ever increasingly for the last... couple of years.

I only got 5 hours sleep last night, so you'd think I'd be dead tired and eager to get home to go to bed early.
All that happens is when I get home I nod off for about 5 to 20 minutes and then after I'm not feeling that tired.
What's the lamest is that I continually think to myself, "OK it's 11pm, midnight, 1am time to go to bed."
But I find some kind of thing to occupy my time.

And you'd think that after sitting all day in front of a computer I couldn't stand it anymore when I get home.

Well, there's no point in questioning. I should say there's no point in nagging myself to do something that I won't do for whatever reason. It's bad enough that I keep doing this without giving myself grief over it.
Actually I'm surprisingly able to deal with the lack of sleep. It's only bad first thing in the morning, and right now when I still feel restless yet needing to go to bed.

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I think it's weird how nowadays you can have virtual nostalgia. A longing memory of things that only happened on the internet.
I just visited a web site of a girl that reminded me of a lot of things. It reminded me not only of things that I've lost in myself, but things that I've forgotten that I've lost. It's too complicated to explain at this late hour.

When you're close to something every day, it's easy to not notice how things are gradually changing.
And if you don't notice they're changing it's easy for yourself to not change.
When does a rut, begin to be the basic pattern of your entire life?

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Here's a blatantly obvious observation tonight that I should really get to the bottom of:
I have still not gotten over or adjusted to the events from over 2 years ago.

I feel like I need a dramatic change.
Here are some ideas:
Hide out for a few months, go on an extreme diet and exercise regiment and then come back with muscles.
Sell and get rid of everything possesion I have and then go on a long trip.
Die.

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I think the older I get the more I'm struck by the futility of not enough time. Everything seems so time consuming.

By the way, I'm thinking of letting my membership here expire by Dec 5. This site is a habit I'm not sure I want to continue.
I've seen plenty here come and go and come and go, etc.

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