fred

So it seems like lots of people are out of it, or in need of updating but they don't know what to say. That includes me somewhat.
I'm just feeling run down, even though for the most part I'm really stoked about my new job. It's kind of like overstimulation where I end up feeling tired and cranky at the end of the day. I think overall though it's a very good thing.

Sunday: the word of the day was sneaky.
My parents came over to visit on sunday. My dad had been in chemo for the last few months and Ihad been visiting in the hospital regularly. Since he finally finished (all recovered and good) I was tired of dealing with it and stopped keeping in touch the last couple of weeks. I'm just kind of burnt out from it I guess.
Part of it also I'm telling him about how I'm going out partying and he's telling my I'm blowing it, so I just don't bring it up. It's kind of a drag to give constant updates when probably monthly is better.
Anyway, when he came over he was talking about my brother,. At one point he said, "He's getting kind of sn.." and I was thinking "sneaky" in my mind, thinking it applied to me. My dad actually said, "He's getting kind of snappy", which could kind of apply to me too also in a way.
So I'm feeling sneaky in the sense where I'm self-conscious about my social efforts where for a long time I made no effort at all, or hadn't the slightest effort at pre-meditation.
Later that day I was doing a kind of japanese/english lesson with this japanese girl. She handed me her electronic dictionary and the word on the screen was "sneaky".
So maybe I am getting sneaky. I'm just used to being a reclusive kind of freak. You gotta start somewhere.

Monday: there were a lot of photos. Many times at my first day at the new job, then later that night people out of town were visiting my grandma so there were even more.
I notice in photos I have this kind of pained, tired uncomfortable look on my face a lot of the time. It's the sight of trying, and failing. Exactly what I'm trying, or why I'm not even sure. I don't like forced smiling. I should really just not care. I should really strive to be a ruder more obnoxious person. It would make my existence more comfortable. My dad and brother are good at it, it should be easy. There's kind, and then there's a very lame version of "nice". It's where you're concerned about other people approval and you paralyze your sprit for some empty consolation.
The problem is I'm with all these new people where I can't quite (or haven't yet at least) crossed that threshhold of comfortable. I should make it a goal to really offend someone and get it over with.

Today: After work I did some indoor go-kart racing which was pretty cool. Once again, more photos. I purposely decided to not smile, or even look at the camera. Instead it came out with this ludicrous expression on my face which was unintentionally funny and way more interesting than a fake smile. I didn't offend anyone though. I should have just walked out after it was over without saying goodbye. Instead people stood around for about 20 minutes making ackward conversation before I finally decided to just leave.