affect vs effect?

i just cannot get that one. please someone explain it to me in a catchy way that will stick in my head and keep me from looking stupid every time i write a work email.

example: sending us those files a week late will _____ our schedule. or the _____ of you not proofing this right now will be me beating you...
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i have worked so much in the last three weeks. this morning i had to do the math on how many hours are actually in a week to make sure i hadn't messed up my timesheet.

uggg, i think i have swine flu, or at least some kind of flu type thing. i think it should have a much worse sounding name though, like elephant flu or maybe semi-truck flu. i feel like i got run over by a semi-truck full of elephants and then one of the elephants got out and is having a sit-in on my mid-to-upper chest area....
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someone stole my chair matt at work! you know the flat plastic thing you stick under your chair so it rolls around nice. i can get another one, but that is not the point. who does that!?

i love agatha christie books! i know that is so last century, but they are fun. plus they are so short i can read one in two days. or one day if i stay up all night and drag around like a slug the next day. i am trying to read them all in chronological order.

i am almost done with lord edgeware dies (1934)....
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siff is finall over! i saw 55 movies, which is less then i thought i would, but near the end i started to get a little burnt out. that, and work i had been putting off began to loom.

if you get a chance, here are some great movies you really should see:
departures
swimsuit issue
moon
dead snow
black dynamite
every little step
oss...
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gone to siff. see you 6/15.

i can't sleep, so i guess i'll just go to work early. i think that is a sad state of affairs for several reasons.