ok so as you know, life's hell, but here's a bit of a few pick-me-ups.
Q: Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
A: "Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park",
said the redneck, "the library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the
governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers...
What you do today,
might burn your butt tomorrow"
Q: How do you confuse an archiologist?
A: Give him a used tampon, and ask him what period it came from.
The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests
(along with a statue of St. Peter)
Q. Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A. Acne at least waits till you're a teenager to come on your face.
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken!
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know"
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
sorry if i have offended anyone, i just found it randomly funny
xoxox
Frankystein
Q: Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
A: "Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park",
said the redneck, "the library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the
governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers...
What you do today,
might burn your butt tomorrow"
Q: How do you confuse an archiologist?
A: Give him a used tampon, and ask him what period it came from.
The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests
(along with a statue of St. Peter)
Q. Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A. Acne at least waits till you're a teenager to come on your face.
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken!
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know"
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
sorry if i have offended anyone, i just found it randomly funny
xoxox
Frankystein
&good luck darlin.